Woke up with a stuffed nose, a heavy feeling in my head and a gloomy and rainy day. Last night while drinking with some friends, I had a sudden burning sensation in my chest. I wonder if that's what you call heartburn. It was nothing like anything I ever felt though, so I got scared. My friend went to buy me some hearburn medicine while I sat on the stairs outside the bar. It only lasted for about 30 minutes and afterwards wondered what all that was about.

My friend Michael is like a brother to me. We've known each other since we were five and went to school together. He's visiting me now so this week we've been kind of busy, going to Osaka and Kyoto and bar hopping. Although I've known him since I was 5, we weren't always this close. I used to see him across the room at school thinking he was one strange dude. He must've been thinking the same about me. We were both fat kids at school and both on the shy side. I don't really remember when we started hanging out, but it must have been around the time space invaders came out...you know the video game. We started going to the game arcades and eat together. Then we went to different junior high schools and we sort of drifted apart. We were so into different things. I was into new wave and alternative music. He was into disco or something like that. He was into guy stuff. I was into girly stuff. He loved movies like Jaws and Alien. My favorites were Yentl and Xanadu.

When I finally discovered the fact that I was gay, I told him. He seemed confused. He ended up being gay himself in the end. We started going to gay bars together. We hung out. He became an alcoholic. He started having problems. He started to become bitter and pessimistic about everything in life. I was the direct opposite, becoming stronger and more positive than anything else. One day I had enough of his bullshit and told him to get lost. He was an alcoholic, had a problem and too many issues for me to handle. I told him I loved him, but he needed to help himself. One of our last conversations were like this.

'S, I want to just kill myself. Nobody loves me'
'Mikey, you've been saying that for months'
'I should just die, no one would care if I died anyway'
'I care ok. If I didn't I wouldn't be listening to your bullshit for all this time so just get it through your thick skull'
'You don't love me! If you did, you wouldn't be saying that!'
'Mike, if I didn't care about you, I wouldn't say anything. But I love you and that's why I'm telling you the truth. You are totally fucked up and have to get your act together! You don't want to kill youself. You just want pity and you're feeling sorry for yourself that's all!'
'Fuck you! You don't understand anything!If you loved me you wouldn't be saying that so fuck you!'
'Fuck you Mike! I'm telling you the truth! Get some help asshole!'
'Fuck you'
'Fuck you too and call me when you get better. If you want to kill yourself, go right ahead! See ya later!'
'Fuck you!!!'

Three years later, we were back to being friends again. He finally realized he had an alcohol problem. I was glad he realized it and was trying to do something about it. Ever since, we've been friends. He still has issues and he's the most negative person I know. But he's like a brother to me...he's family...a family member that has problems. Through action, I hope he learns to look at the positive sides of things, not the negatives. I pray that one day he can learn to let go of his anger and focus on the present and what he can do to create change in his personal life.

Fast forward to last night. He took me to a bar he frequents and I'm glad I went. He was welcome at that bar and as far as I could see, he was in his element. There were guys in drag, a woman who was now a man, some straight guys, and other types that my friends and I don't normally talk to. It was a different world that I didn't know existed. The gay world usually puts focus on good-looking men with beautiful bodies. My friends and I frequent places with the best-looking guys. This bar where Michael goes to, had none of your typical gay people there. They were like a group of outcasts that didn't feel welcome in the world...even in the gay world. And they welcomed Michael with open arms and he fit right in there with them. He found his place in the world called nichome. He finally made a connection with someone...a man that used to be a woman and a drag queen. I felt out of place. He was having a ball and looked happy. Sitting there with my glass of oolong tea all by myself, watching him with his gang of friends, I was overjoyed to see him belong. I felt happy.

This is terrible. I can't believe it's been 3 days without writing in my blog. Time goes by so quickly when you're having a ball.

On Sunday night, we went to a friend's party before continuing on to AGEHA. Partied till dawn and came home around 7:30am. Slept for a while until the next day, my partner and I cleaned the apartment in preparation for my friend's arrival. My friend arrived the next day.

The main event was on Sept 20, the day of Madonna's concert in Tokyo! It's been 13 long years since I last saw her live so I was more than excited and I had a difficult time sleeping the night before. I ended up sleeping for just a few hours before I woke up. I rode my bicycle around the block since it was a beautiful morning and then woke everybody up to go to Disney Sea!

We couldn't stay long as we had to take the train back to Tokyo Dome in time for the concert. When we got there, the place was full of people, and I have to mention that a large majority of the guys were gays! Although it was expected, it didn't feel much different from going to AGEHA! What a trip!

The concert started one hour late and it finally ended at 10pm. All I can say is that it was fantastic and I was jumping up and down throughout the entire concert. After the concert, my friends and I had a quick dinner before heading on home.

So this all leads finally, to today. My friend from Tottori was still in town so we met up at Bubba Gump's for lunch. My friend Mikey and Mr Tottori were trying to decide whether we should see her concert one more time. After lunch, we window shopped for a while and then returned to the ticket gates. By this time, the place was mobbed with people and my partner was calling me on my mobile to ask me whether we got tickets or not. In the end we ended up being really lucky. We got tickets for about half price from a couple. They were not premium tickets but they were pretty good. We jumped up and down again all the way until the end. My feet hurts and I'm so tired. But it's the kind of fatigue you feel after something really good has happened...like really good sex!

Highlights of my day:

Having cappucino at the new cafe that just opened up near my place. Lovely Italian country atmosphere, making you feel like you're in the middle of Tuscany.

Dinner at a Thai restaurant with my partner.

It was a beautiful sunny day.

The 1980s

I dropped out of school when I was 16...I refused to go back to school and had to go to counselors, teachers and psychologists to see what was going on in my little head. I used to think I was real smart thinking I'd tricked all of them into believing I was good and my mother was bad...that she was the cause of all this misery. I remember my mother getting really upset over the fact that they would always blame her for what I was doing. That gave me pleasure...in fact during those days, I found very little pleasure in seeing other people happy. I was one bitter fucker and I hated those days. I have a difficult time trying to remember what I was thinking those days...I really must have blocked those memories out.

During my school years, my family started to fall apart. My mother was never home as she had to work all night and she never came home until after 2am. My sister got heavily into hard drugs. I became rebellious and hated life in general. It was such an effort to just get myself up in the mornings. I started cutting classes instead of going to school.

One day my mother and I got into a major argument. I ended up breaking things in the apartment and locked myself up in the bathroom. After I came out, my mother was waiting for me. She gave me one hard slap across the face as fury rose in me. I told her something that I would always regret.

'Mom, I wish I was never born and you know what? I'm so embarassed to have a mother like you. You make me sick to the core!!!'

The next thing you know, she started to cry. It was the first time she ever cried in front of me. I left the apartment and told her that I'd never come back.

After closing the door behind me, I walked up to the top floor of the building behind our apartment and stood there looking down. My tears wouldn't stop and I hated myself for hurting my mother...making my mother cry. I realized the horrible thing I've done to her and could not forgive myself. I thought about my entire life and how miserable it's all been, how much trouble I cause my mother, and basically I felt that I didn't belong in this world. I wanted to die.

I made a decision to jump off the building. I wasn't scared of heights back then and I figured, this would be the best. I couldn't take it anymore...I couldn't do anything right and things would be better off without me. I had no place in this world. I climbed over the railings until my feet were at the edge of the slab of concrete. I apologized to my mother inside my heart and hoped that she would forgive me. I didn't cry anymore, I was no longer sad. I felt I had made the right decision and was about to get it done...One leg in the air and let go of the railings with my left hand. At that precise moment, I heard my mother's voice calling me. She started walking towards the building so I automatically climbed back over to hide from my mother...I didn't want her to catch me hiding around there...I mean what am I, a cry baby? No, my mother will not have the pleasure of seeing me in this state.

Funny thing is that I completely forgot why I was there in the first place. I would attempt to commit suicide one more time, this time with sleeping pills and alcohol. I somehow managed to fail at that attempt as well. I now realize that I needed help and I needed someone to talk to. Simple as that really. Like most young people I didn't see that then. All I could think of was that I couldn't do anything right...not even a simple task as killing myself. How fucked up can I get?

Mr. H...the final chapter

For two whole days, all I did was cry until there were no more tears. I thought about what just had happened. I tried to think of what I did to make him stop loving me. We were having a great sex, he seemed happy all the time and we never got into many arguments. I didn't have a clue as to why he stopped loving me.

My friends called me everyday and a couple came over to check up on me to make sure I wasn't slitting my wrists. I did contemplate suicide but only for about 3 seconds...no I would never kill myself. But it sure went through my mind because this was not a good place to be.

After crying my eyes out and eating a lot of ice cream and chocolates, one of his friends called me on the phone. She was one of his best friends and we've gotten pretty close. She called to see if I was ok. I told her maybe I should try to change for him. I don't know how or what, but whatever he wanted, I would try to change. If he wanted me to work 7 jobs, sure I would do that. Then she told me something that was the turning point of my depression.

'S, I know you love him very much but I hate seeing you like this. This is not you.'
'What are you talking about? It is me...in depression and desperation! I want you to know that I will do anything to get him back. '
'I admire what you're trying to do but don't throw away the most important thing.'
'What am I throwing away?'
'You are throwing yourself away. You're trying to change into something you're not for someone that may or may not deserve you. I can't stand seeing you this way.'
'Huh?...'
'S, you're a special person and you shouldn't have to stoop that low for anyone, never! I mean is S, I don't like it one bit. If things weren't meant to be, it just wasn't and that's that.'

That one statement made a lot of sense to me. It wasn't easy but I came to grips with reality and decided that life goes on with or without H. I still loved him sure, but I started to concentrate on myself.

First thing I did was to listen to a lot of Cher. Believe, Strong Enough, you know the words..."Strong enough, to live without you, strong enough, I quit crying long enough and I'm strong enough to know, you gotta go!" Yep, in typical gay fashion, I sang it over and over while cleaning the apartment and sorting through his clothes and other shit into garbage bags. I went to the neighborhood flower shop to ask for work, anything to get my mind off H. I told her I'll work for free and work on commission! I started a website to make new friends and started going to the gym again.

One week later, H arrived at the door of our apartment. He looked relaxed and happy. I thought maybe he just came back from a mini-vacation with a new lover or something. Whatever, I was passed all that. Anyway he came back to tell me he wanted to try getting back together again. I told him for that to be possible, he would have to explain to me why he broke up with me in the first place and why he wanted to get back together if he doesn't love me anymore. I was confused and actually quite upset! After I finally get myself together he comes back to confuse my life even more? What an asshole...I sure can pick them can't I?

He still refused to answer my questions but he moved back in. After a week went by and he decided a trip to Singapore would be fabulous. He was paying for everything, business class tickets, hotels, everything. So I went with him. In Singapore I met his friends and a good friend of his kept telling me how much H still loves me and that I should give him another chance. I was just too tired to get into the details and just nodded in agreement everytime the subject came up.

Although the trip was nice, I realized I could no longer stay with him. I was too afraid and didn't want to go through all that again. Nope, he took away my pride, my happiness and my green card. A few months later he decided to move out and I promptly found myself a new roommate. After my relationship with H, I vowed to myself never to fall in love again...ever!

That was almost 7 years ago...

Mr. H

The love of my life was my ex, we'll call him H. He's the guy I met through a friend's roommate and then had a three-way with him and his lover.

After a rather quick 2 weeks of getting to know each other, he found a place for us to move in with each other. Now remember, he had a boyfriend that he just broke up with and I just broke up with a guy...well forced to break up with him because he was a total loser and asshole for stealing money from me and lying to me like no one else before. Funny thing though, I still had feelings for the jerk and all the while living with H, I couldn't stop thinking about my ex, we'll call him Nobu. So there we are living together and truth be told, I started becoming very confused and could not decide whether I was happy or not. Obviously I've just been through a tramatic relationship, however I also did not love the new guy I happened to fall into a relationship with. We ended up being together for 3 years.

I ended up falling in love with him and by the third year, could not imagine a life without H. I was happy and he was sweet. He did anything for me as long as I didn't fuck around. In fact he was so suspicious of me that he would go through my emails and my cell phone history...no kidding! Every single day this went on. I always had to make sure to answer my phone when he called, which was like 20 times a day and again, I'm being totally serious! The thing is that I didn't mind and I was quite happy with the whole arrangement. I felt like he really cared about me and that's why he's always checking up on me.

During our third year, I had a serious conversation with H regarding my green card.

'H, I have to talk to you about something very important. You know I have an American green card, don't you?'
'Yeah, I know. Why do you ask?'
'Well immigration is starting to think I shouldn't be able to keep my green card if I'm not living in the US.'
'And?'
'Well, as you know I've always planned on moving back to Hawaii because my family's there right? So I think it's time for me to decide what I should do. To move back or stay here. The thing is that if I stay, I have to give up my green card.'
'Well, if you want, I can come with you to Hawaii to talk to your mom about the situation. I want her to feel secure in knowing that you'll be taken care of. I'll talk to her ok? How do you feel about that?'
'Wow, that would be great H, but do you really mean it because once I give it up, that's that!'
'Hey, you know I'll never leave you. How many times do I have to remind you that we were meant to be together until the day we die? Can you trust me please?'

I thought about what we just discussed and the three years we've been together and decided to put my trust in him. My life had to go on and this is the life I choose, a life with H, the person I love.

'OK, let's do it. We can visit her in two weeks time. '
'Sure, let's do it!'

Two weeks later he met my mother and told her what he promised to say. My mother was happy to hear that someone nice and sincere was finally going to take care of me. I went to the embassy to give up my green card and left Hawaii as a resident for the last time. Next time I would be entering the country as a foreign national. My boyfriend left two days later to Japan for work. I decided to stay for a few more days to keep my mother company. H and I talked on the phone everyday and I looked forward to going back to start my life as a true Japanese citizen.

As soon as I arrived in Narita, H was there to pick me up. We made small talk on the way home. As soon as we arrived, he told me to sit down and have a cup of coffee before I started to unpack. We sat across from each other and before I could say anything he blurted out these words.

'S, I want to break up with you.'

I was stunned and shocked...I can't even describe the feelings that were going through me. It felt like a really bad dream and hoped he was treating me to a really bad joke! He continued with his speech

'I realized that I don't love you anymore. I've been feeling this way for the past month. I just finally realized it now. I'm sorry and I hope you forgive me and I would be more than happy to stay friends with you.'
'So you waited for an entire month and you went all the way to Hawaii with me to tell my mother all that and watched me give up my green card so that I could stay here with you and now...you tell me you don't love me anymore? What kind of fucking bullshit is that?'
'Sorry, what can I say. It's the truth and I can't do anything about it. Please forgive me. '
'Forgive you? You want me to forgive you and stay friends with you? What kind of a fucker are you? Are you joking? If you are, you better tell me right now because I swear I might have a nervous breakdown right now!'
'You know what S, I can't talk to you right now. I should leave.'
'wait a minute, just explain to me why. There must be a reason. Another guy...you met another guy...or you have to marry a woman. Anything, just give me a logical reason because this is all not making much sense to me.'
'It's not another guy and I'm not getting married. But I don't want to talk about it.'
'You fucking owe me an explanation you mother fucker! Do you know how I feel right now? Do you know how stupid I feel?'
'Look, I hate it when you yell so I'm leaving. In fact, I'm leaving for about a week. Don't call me, I'll call you.'

The next thing you know, I'm begging him to stay. Nothing worked. He left and all I was left with was the silence of the room, my unpacked bags in the corner and thinking this must all be a dream, hoping he would be coming back any second to tell me it was all a mistake...or a joke...yes it was a very bad joke and not a funny one, but still I could forgive him. He never came back and I started to cry like I never cried in my entire life.

Today I woke up earlier than usual. Felt really good so checked my emails and had breakfast of raisin bread with peanut butter, a small salad and tea with milk. Hopped on the train to Hiroo to do some business but my heart started to feel tight during the train ride. Popped a pill for my attacks but didn't do much so after 30 more minutes, decided to take another one. Either my attacks are getting stronger or my medicine is not working as well. Really have to have a chat with my doctor about this.

I texted my partner to see if he could get off early so we could have dinner together. He was able to and we had a nice Japanese dinner. After that we had some fun at the karaoke box for a couple of hours. Despite the attack in the afternoon, had a great day.

Wet, grey and cloudy. It was also very cold. We are officially still in the summer season but it felt like the middle of autumn. I still haven't had a chance to get out the warm clothes out of my loft and need to do that soon if the weather continues this way. I felt totally lethargic today and ended up falling asleep around 1pm for about 30 minutes.

At exactly 3:30pm, my student arrived...a student that hasn't been here for about two months. Like always, he was in a depressed state(been that way for over a year actually and never seen him happy) and just wanted me to listen to him like a counselor. It really makes me wonder what he's paying me for. Anyway we ended up talking about him and his problems for most of the hour. Although I try not to get involved, I couldn't help but give him some of my advise. I told him that he really needs to just do something...I mean take some action to create change. He says he just wants to go with the flow and that things will probably work out because everything is already pre-determined...you know like destiny. I told him that's utter bullshit and that although destiny may be true to a point, we have the power to decide and take action to create change.

Don't really know if any advice would actually help him as he's been this way ever since I met him a year ago. He's stuck in this rut and can't seem to get out of it. In fact, he digs himself deeper and deeper so that he's just stuck there. I can only help him so much, after that it's really up to him.

I was able to work out today with just a little discomfort in my chest. Seriously, I'm beginning to wonder if this is all really just a case of panic attacks as my doctors have been telling me all these years. I mean panic attacks are supposed to be attacks right? These are more like symptoms, physical symptoms. I think I may have to go to a heart specialist to get a second opinion just for peace of mind.

Tomorrow is Friday and the weather forecast is for a beautiful sunny day. The last sunny day in fact, before the weekend due to a large typhoon coming our way.

Decision of the day:
Decided not to masturbate and save it for tomorrow. I am so bored with masturbating.

Woke up feeling good today. It was raining again but the rain was good as it matched my mood...a feeling of peace and myself surrendering to destiny. I wasn't in an overly optimistic mood or anything like that. Just peaceful with what is and the fact that there are some things you can't do anything about. The autumn rain was wiping away all remnants of the hot summer. I went to the gym today and I was freezing as I chose to wear shorts and sandals. On the train ride to the gym, my feet started becoming cold. I had a good workout today. Did some weights and a class of yoga. After that, I leisurely walked over to the largest bookstore in Shinjuku, which ended up being 20 minutes away.

I don't remember when I started liking bookstores, but I love them. In almost every country I visit, I tend to visit a bookstore. In fact I can spend hours inside a bookstore just browsing for something to purchase. Some of the titles that caught my attention today were:

Air Babylon
Men's Vogue
Entrepreneur Magazine
Hip Hotels Budget
Your First Year in Network Marketing
Luxury Guide to Walt Disney World

I stopped by Peck, an Italian bakery for bread(curry puff, chocolate roll, mini calzone) and decided to go home. I got to my station, picked up a couple of travel brochures to read on the train, (Universal Studios Osaka and Guam)bought some Chinese food in my neiborhood before finally arriving home. I warmed up the Chinese food and made some soup for dinner. Did some business over the phone before my partner came home.

We talked about our future(complaining mostly about his job and his shitty colleagues and me telling him to just quit) until he fell asleep. I suddenly hear the familiar bell that informs me of an incoming message on my SKYPE chat.It's my friend C.

'hi sweetie'
'hiya C'
'sorry to log in so late...busy now?'
'not really...just was talking with a colleague'
'oh ok...better not to interrupt you then'
'going to sleep soon?'
'I just read your blog...it's interesting...seriously.'
'you did? all of it?
'yes, was feeling sad for the couple who died in the fire incident'
'yeah it was very sad'
'and worried about you having the attack, you really have to be careful. That's how heart attacks starts. Have you seen a doctor about it?'
'yep been seeing the doctor for 3 years now. Checked my hear twice and says nothing's wrong with my heart. It was diagnosed as a panic attack'
'oh gosh'
'Yeah, it's really tough when I have them'
'well...I am sure it is'
'I mean physically I feel like I'm about to die'
'and I read that part you said you called your BF and always feel like telling him you love him...that was really sweet...and you said that you were being dramatic...I think not'
'Oh, that was when I was having one of my attacks at the train station, well I felt like a drama queen...I always feel that way afterwards'
'oh come on, you're not...seriously it's good to speak your mind'
'I appreciate you saying that, it means a lot'
'always say what's on your mind or else you might regret it later on'
'most Japanese probably wouldn't agree with you...in fact my boyfriend doesn't say it either, but I think that's just the Japanese way...he says I love you like once a year'
'well...my BF doesn't say it that much either...guess it's the Chinese way'
'haha'


'S You are very expressive with words and I'm not saying that to make you happy, I'm saying it from my heart, otherwise I wouldn't bother reading your blogs'
'Wow, I'm speechless, don't know what to say. It's kind of funny...you seem to understand me...which is very rare in my life...you understand what I'm trying to express, say or what I'm feeling...can't really explain it'
'It's not difficult to understand someone...there are two important things in order to understand people...the person must open up to you and you must be able to feel what that person is feeling...logical really'
'true'
'just that most of the time, other issues and matters cloud our thoughts'
'hmmm...that makes a lot of sense actually.'

The chat continues:


'S Do you know why you have such bad feelings? or should I say disappoinments?'
'why C?'
'Because you have expectations'
'So are you saying that I shouldn't have any expectations?'
'The answer is...do what you feel, I can't answer that for you.'
'I new that was going to be the answer'
'for me, I will always expect something'
'I used to wish that there was a road map of some kind and that someone would tell me what decisions to make in life...I used to think that...I mean would't it make life much easier?'
'And boring...not too interesting'
'I guess so'

For the rest of the chat, we talk about my family, Buddhism, reincarnation, destiny and business. He's a rare man I must say as I hardly ever meet anyone who can talk with me for such a long time. I realize that I miss talking with him and that he makes me feel good. I also realize that he's making me laugh...something I haven't done in a long time. I mean a real and genuine laugh that comes from the heart. We have a connection...all the more strange because we've never met before in real life.
He knows things about me that other people don't see. I can't fake myself with this person...he makes me think about things that are buried deep within. He's visiting Tokyo in November and I must say, I'm a bit nervous to meet him. He believes in destiny. I don't know what I believe in. However if there is such a thing as destiny, there must be a reason we met.

After a dreamy sleep, I awoke to the sound of rain pounding against my bedroom windows. I can't believe how much of a difference new sheets and a duvet makes. I've never slept better. I immediately took a quick shower and toasted a bagel. Ran downstairs to get a latte from the convenience store and vacuumed the living room before my student arrived. We talked about his upcoming trip to Chiang Mai in Thailand and started to show him some Northern delicacies through pictures from my Thai cookbook. I learned today that he has no interest in eating and survives on a diet of Southern Comfort and Roobois Tea. He had a slight cold today and I am certain it's because of a lack of vital nutrients.

At 6:30pm, I had a appointment with my fuck buddy. We've been seeing each other for over a year because we the sex is just fantastic. As you know, I've been a bit stressed out lately so I was ready for some sexual satisfaction. He was already hard as he entered my place so I ripped of his shorts and got down on my knees to service him. Then it was his turn to service me and after a few minutes, turned me over to rim me. It felt so good I swear I'd never get tired of it. He said that he wanted to fuck me today so I let him. We don't usually fuck but today I needed him to fuck me with passion and intensity, two things that have been missing from my life these days. He quickly took a shower and complimented me on my sexual technique and how compatible we are. Compliments are always more than welcome, thank you very much!

I had a quick bite to eat before my last student of the day arrived. We had an English lesson over a bottle of Hungarian wine. It was kind of sweet but it ended up being the perfect way to end a day of reckless abandon.

A year ago I remember Mondays being one of my favorite days of the week. Most people find Mondays to be the most depressing day of their week but it wasn't for me. As you know, I've been with my partner for 6 years. About a year ago, I was going through a phase where I was quite happy with my freedom and not having to think about my partner. I seriously felt like the relationship was better when we weren't really together. I was going to a dance club on a regular basis. I started getting to know a lot of people in the club scene, including people in other countries. I was traveling with friends and a lot of times, by myself. It was fun and I felt like I was having the best of both worlds. The single life and the married life!

Today was also a Monday. However I felt very fatigued and not all that happy. I seem to be having a lot of down days recently and I worry that I might be coming down with depression. The last time I had a major depression was more than 7 years ago, when I had just broken up with my last partner. Yeah, we lived together also and were together for a mere 3 years. Until that point in my life, that was the longest relationship I've ever had. I loved him a lot and I thought he loved me the same. Let me tell you about this guy...the love of my life and the guy I decided to risk everything for.

I met him while I was with another guy through a friend. My friend's roommate(who was a woman) was telling me about a crush she had for this Thai guy a long time ago. She said that him and his boyfriend are coming to Japan for holiday and if I could come with her to meet them at a bar in Shinjuku. During this time I was going through a very bad relationship who was stealing money from me (now this is another story for another day) and I needed to get out of the house. So I said yes to her invitation and met up with them. I wasn't really interested in meeting anyone, but they were friendly and the Thai guy ended up telling me that he liked me. His Japanese boyfriend told me that he was going back to Bangkok the next day so if I could hang out with his Thai boyfriend. He also mentioned that his boyfriend was attracted to me and that I could do anything I wanted...they had an open relationship and it didn't bother him. Long story short, the Thai guy and I ended up going home together...back to his hotel I mean.

The final evening of his stay, we all went to a karaoke bar with a group of people. I started thinking about how fucked up my life is with my boyfriend I started to cry. Everyone thought I was crying because of the Thai guy leaving...so did he. He found it endearing and he told me not to be sad. I was too tired to explain so I just went along with it, I didn't care. So he went back to Thailand the next day. At that time, I was doing network marketing with a company called Herbalife. Thailand was just opening up so I decided to go there to create an organization there. As if on cue, I had a sudden phone call from the Thai guy's boyfriend. I told him I was coming to Thailand and he said that he would be my translator. I said that was cool. We met up in Thailand and the Japanese guy ended up becoming my distributor and we worked hard together while I was there. The last evening I needed to go for a drink as I worked my ass off for a week. They took me out for a night of dancing. It was time to go back to my hotel and I invited them to come for a cup of coffee as the Japanese guy seemed extremely drunk and I didn't want him to drive home in that condition. As soon as we entered my hotel room, the Japanese guy jumped on top of me and started to kiss me while taking my clothes off. His Thai boyfriend looked surprised but started to undress at the same time. I knew what was going to happen next and as I always do, just went with the flow. I didn't care. Besides I was in a shitty relationship and hell, I needed to release my stress and what better way than to have a 3-way!

They stayed the entire night and I was fucked exactly 7 times by them taking turns on me. By morning I no longer wanted any more sex and seriously, didn't think I needed to have sex for the entire year. My ass hurt and I was tired. They had it easy as they took turns taking naps. Felt like a total whore but like I said, I didn't give a fuck.

Next day I left for Tokyo. The day after my arrival I had a call from the Japanese guy saying he was visiting Tokyo the next day. We decided to meet at his hotel and ended up fucking again. He said that his Thai boyfriend wanted the three of us to live together in Bangkok and that we could be a threesome...whatever that means. I said no as I just couldn't imagine what kind of situation that would be. Apprently they've done this before and they were comfortable with it. I'm usually game for anything, but this was too much. We talked a lot while he was here and I told him about the destructive relationship I was in. He told me that I should get out of it as soon as possible but I said it wasn't that easy because he owed my a lot of money...money he took without permission from my bank account. Yeah, I know stupid of me to have told him my PIN number but we were like living together for 3 years!!! I trusted him completely and had no idea this was going to happen. This is the main reason why I was in network marketing in the first place. He was in debt and I wanted to help him. Okay, getting off the subject so saving that story for another day...

The events during the next week is a blur. The Japanese guy, we will call him H. He went back to Thailand. He broke up with his lover over me...they both wanted me but the Japanese one wanted me exclusively. I told him don't break up on my account, I wasn't ready anyway. I didn't even love him for fuck's sake! But break up they did and H came back to Tokyo, forced my boyfriend to leave me alone, told the guy to pay up and helped me move my things out to a new place he found. So in that short amount of time, all these things happened and I was in a state of confusion. No, I did not get all my money back, just a few hundred dollars. He owed me like $50,000US!!!

After all this, I never saw the guy again, and after three years of happy times with H, we ended up breaking up anyway. This story is getting way too long so I'm continue this tomorrow. Long story short(wait, how many times have I said that?), I was devestated when HE announced that he wanted to break up! For the first time in a long time, I wanted to die.

Dragged myself out of bed this morning after a night of restless sleep. Hopped into the shower, brushed my teeth and changed into some nice clothes before my first student of the day arrived. It's been about 10 months since his last lesson so we ended up talking about his ex-boyfriend for most of the hour. I did extend his lesson 30 minutes longer since I felt funny taking money from him just for listening to him talk about his life. I teach conversational English to adults at home on a part-time basis. It's an enjoyable part-time job and I look forward to meeting my students. I also make a living doing other stuff, but that's another story all together.

A guy who works with me came for a visit at 2pm for some training. I might as well tell you now, I work with a network marketing company. He's a new distributor and I needed to train him today. I know a lot of people think network marketing is some kind of money-making scheme or a pyramid, but far from it, it's a legitimate business. If it wasn't the industry would have been long gone and a lot of people would be in jail! It takes work and nobody gets paid for doing nothing. If a company tells you they'll basically pay you for paying a fee without doing anything, you can almost be certain that it is an illegal pyramid scheme. All I can say is that it's feeding me and helping me to help other people do the same and I love it!

I had a simple egg salad sandwich for lunch with a cup of decaf latte. Then another student came at 5pm and my last one for the day left at a little past 7pm. By this time, I was starving so my partner suggested we get some curry in the neighborhood. It was good and filling. We ended up renting a DVD, a love comedy with Reese Witherspoon, and had a quicky.

I did bring up the fact that I was upset yesterday but told him I won't torture him by yelling at him or anything like that. It's over, I'm over it and it's the past. Once again, I'm at peace with myself and tonight I will hopefully get a better night's rest.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I plan on having a good time. What do we have planned you ask? Well, we leave at 8am for IKEA to buy a bookshelf for our new office. After that, we go to
Tokyo Disney Sea for a few hours. A day of wholesome fun...that works for me!

It's 3am and I should be asleep by now. My partner came home stinking drunk and slurring his words, attempted at a feeble apology. He arrived home at exactly 1:15am and I was too tired to argue and besides, I just wasn't feeling all that upset anymore. He was complaining about his work as usual and I knew that whatever advice I tried to give him, he wouldn't remember a single thing we talked about so decided to save my breath.

So my partner and I have been together for 6 years, the longest relationship I've been in. I can't really say it's monogamous and we don't really talk about it. He's a typical Japanese guy that doesn't say what's on his mind unless he's had a few drinks. The first three years were difficult, with our differences in personalities and cultures...he being a true Japanese and I being raised in America for most of my childhood years. I truly did want a monogamous relationship in the beginning. I sometimes think about even these days. My partner doesn't seem to be too interested in talking about all that stuff. He says he doesn't fuck around and I sort of believe him...I mean he's a pretty straight gay guy. However he does seem to have secrets that he won't share with me and I don't even attempt to go there. I tried in the first couple of years...never worked. It seems as though we just sort of drifted to this point in our relationship. I do love him dearly and I can't imagine a life without him...most of the time. Still I wonder if this is the relationship that I've always wanted.

I am just being selfish thinking this way? Maybe I'll never know the answer.

1971-1975

My mother and I arrived in Honolulu, Hawaii sometime around 1971 I was told. We left my sister behind as we couldn't afford the plane ticket for her. My father's younger brother Uncle Nobu supposedly gave my mother enough money for two one-way tickets for my mother and me. So we left Japan leaving my sister behind. I don't really remember much about this time of my life. What I do remember is this. My grandmother and Mr N was already living in Hawaii by the time we got there. I later found out that due to my parent's divorce, my grandmother wanted custody of me. I used to run away from my mother's place and I always found my way to my grandma's apartment. I must have given my mother a lot of grief back then. Little did she know , that was just the beginning.

The first day of school was weird. The teacher was trying to tell me something but because I couldn't understand a single word she was saying, she yelled at me and pushed me away.
The first person who befriended me was a girl in my class, Elise Nakama. She was a very strange girl as she was always insisting that I speak Japanese and as a reward she would do the splits for me in front of the entire class. She made my first weeks in school extremely confusing.

I went to a private school until the 5th grade. My sister also joined us in Hawaii during this time. I fairly enjoyed those days as most of the kids were well mannered except for a few like David. I hear that he is trouble and has been in jail a couple of times. He was kind of cute though...in a David Cassidy kind of way. I was never to participate in sports as I had a very weak heart. That's what my mother tells me. I also remember I started to get gray hair when I was only in the 3rd grade. It was due to the medication I had to take for years since birth. I remember the doctor telling my mother and grandmother that I wouldn' t live past the age of 7, and only if I kept taking the medication. Finally my body just couldn't take any more medicine and I would throw up the pills. My grandmother got ged up with the whole situation and told me I no longer needed to take them as they were doing me no good.

My family are buddhists so they prayed really hard to Buddha to allow me to live as long as possible. The prayers must have worked or the doctor was a quack as I ended up living past that age. Every since, I make it a point to consult with a number of doctors when I'm diagnosed with something serious.

My favorite subjects were art and music...I hated science and geography with a passion. Oh, history was so useless to me I didn't even try. But the worse was Physical Education class because I was never allowed to participate due to my weak heart. I felt out of place and very unhappy. I felt as though nobody liked me and I started to feel all alone.

My mother ended up remarrying when I was around 6. His name was Mr K and he was this asshole of a man. Why do I say that about him? For one thing, he used to hit my mother, throw her to the ground and pin her in between the bed and wall until she couldn't breathe. This went on at least twice a week...maybe more...but my sister and I used to cry until the neighbors came over to tell us to shut the fuck up. But the abuse got worse and I felt like a helpless shit.

At the same time, my mother used to hit me across the face for no apparent reason and I still feel the pain of the incense being stuck into the back of my palm. I remember trying to find ways of hurting my sister. I don't know why I did that, but I hate myself for doing that to her. Until this day, I cannot forgive myself for treating my sister with this abusive behavior. Hate it. So, my mother's new husband hit my mother, my mother hit me, and I hit my sister.

One night when my mother was pinned against the wall, and she looked like she was about to lose consciousness, I screamed at the top of my lungs. The next thing I know he grabbed me by the throat and started to choke me. The last thing I remember was the fact that I was happy to see the abuse on my mother stop. She was breathing again. The next thing I remember, I was on the floor with my mother and sister looking over me. Mr K was nowhere to be found.

The next day, one of my uncles came over to kick Mr K out of my mother's life once and for all. Strangely though, he was very nice to me that day. We had a final meal together and I felt kind of sad for him. He never came back after that and my mother was once again, free from an abusive relationship.

During this period my father came to visit us in Hawaii a couple of times. He seemed loving and caring. Little did we know was the fact that the only reason why he came was to borrow some money from my mother. How much of an asshole can this guy be? How much more lies and abuse can two kids take? Little did we know, more was to come.

1966-1970

I often find myself looking to my past searching for answers to all the problems I have as an adult. I just couldn't wait to "grow up" so that I could be strong and independent and I would have a perfect life. I used to imagine how fun it would be to go to work everyday and to start dating someone like Ken...you know, Barbie's boyfriend? Yep, I was always into dolls and enjoyed dressing them up. Obviously my mother never bought me one, but I always found a way to get my hands on my sister's Barbie dolls. Her life seemed perfect...perfect face, perfect skin, perfect body and a perfect boyfriend. A life filled with laughter, love and bliss.

Well I obviously had to be born into this world first. So I was and from what my mother and relatives told me, I was born with a defective heart and weak lungs. It remember being in the hospital a lot and I have memories of staring up at the gray ceiling in my hospital bed all alone. I also remember having to take a lot of medication and my grandmother trying to stuff pills down my throat. What else do I remember about the five years of my life? Not much really.

My mother was usually stressed out. My father was never around. My sister was just weird and thought of her as more of a monkey rather than a human being. I remember the girl living next door and remember getting my food run over by a car. I also remember my mother putting my put into a bucket of cold water while I bled. I never went to the hospital for it as far as I remember. It healed ok though. I also remember walking hand in hand with my mother down the street, begging her to buy me a bottle of strawberry milk. Yes, they use to sell milk in bottles back then. I remember a pretty older girl teaching me how to gently cup my hands together to catch a butterfly. I tried doing the same thing, instead I clapped my hands together I killed the poor damn thing.

Ahhh...memories of my life in Japan until I was around 5...what else do I see?...

I remember snow...lots of snow....looking out a window I see falling snow. It's beautiful and cold...almost good enough to eat. So I get a small ceramic bowl from the kitchen and hold it out the window...slowly the bowl fills up with the white flakes. They are so light, almost weightless. I see myself just watching the snow falling and falling over and over again. It takes me away from something...I don't know what but it's an escape for me.
Ohhhh...I realize my bowl is filled to its capacity so I decide that should be enough. I tear open a small individual packet of granulated sugar and sprinkle it on top of my home-made snow cone. It's delicious...little did I know it was filled with pollutants and other nasty stuff.

I remember crying a lot and I knew that irked my mother. Later on I found out she would leave me at home while I was asleep to go to work. My father was playing around with other women and gambling away our money. My mother had no choice but to go to work I guess, and she apparently couldn't afford to pay for a babysitter. But I cried and cried until my voice started to crack. I couldn't help it. I knew I was irritating my mother, but I was scared that she would never come home...just like my dad.

One person I truly loved was my grandmother. She seemed to be the only person who could make me feel happy. She always made me special and never treated me like a stupid thing. I can still remember her reading my palms, telling me that I was very special.

My grandma took my right palm into her hands. She was studying the lines with intense seriousness. I almost didn't want to hear what my future held.

'You're a very special boy'
'Why don't I feel special grandma?'
'Don't ever say that because you are. '
'But mommy says that I'm always doing bad things and she's always yelling at me.'
'No matter what other people say, including your mommy, whatever you believe to be right, is usually right. Always believe in yourself and listen to what your heart is telling you. '
'I don't understand grandma.'
'You will one day S, I promise. Never forget that you are special.'
'Ok grandma!'

From that day on, I tried really hard to believe in myself.

Like I said, my father was never around and the male influence was my grandmother's second husband, I used to call him Mr. N. He used to take me to amusement parks and we had so much fun on all the kiddie rides! I remember he took me on my first kiddie roller coaster. I was too short to see the tracks in front of me so I held on for dear life. I was terrified the entire time on the ride but realized that I had survived the ride. So I rode again and again...and again. That became my favorite ride and I had to practically beg Mr N, to take me to the amusement park again. He was a cool guy. He did everything to make me happy. I miss him.

Second post today as it's still Friday...actually only 45 minutes after my last post. After the words FUCK IT in my last post, my doorbell rang. I stopped posting and got ready for some stress-releasing fucking. He texted me saying I should wait in bed naked. So I ripped off my clothes as quick as I could and put myself into a most uncomfortable pose to make myself look flattering as possible. He was taller than I imagined and even though I couldn't really see his face clearly in the dark, he was in his 30s and looked like a typical businessman. No words were exchanged, no longing looks or gentle touches. He went straight for my right tit and started to like it. I did absolutely nothing for me and I can almost guarantee that even a dog would have been better. He did have a big surprise for me and boy was he really big! As he guided my right hand to his raging hard-on, I stroked the length of his penis and started to get nervous. I just wasn't sure if it would fit. The first few centimeters were very painful as it always is for me...however after a few minutes of keeping it in there, I started to loosen up and prepared myself for an enjoyable 30-40 minutes. Actually it wasn't bad and I actually enjoyed myself. After we both came, he took a shower and left without saying a word. In fact, he looked almost embarassed after the fact and I found it quite funny.

Now it's 9:30pm and although I'm still irritated at my partner, I feel better after fucking. Besides, my partner hates it when I start scolding him for something. I sometimes feel like what's the point of it all? I mean this isn't the first time this happened. So this is the question I have to ask myself. Would it have been better to have kept all my frustrations inside and exploded when my partner got home? Or was having an exciting fuck, relieveing me of anger and frustration so that I could be a bit more relaxed, the right thing to do?

What would you have done?

I woke up feeling groggy this morning. My partner of 6 years waking me up to kiss me goodbye. Since I got to bed at a little past 5am, I was still extremely sleepy and my eyes could hardly stay open. Like every morning, I walked with him to the door to kiss him goodbye and to wish him a good day. He said that he wouldn't be able to call during lunch today as he has to go on a business trip out of Tokyo. He also told me that he will be going to dinner with friends for the lottery drawing...actually our friends to be exact. Every quarter, a group of us gets together to collectively purchase lottery tickets and meet for the drawing to see if we got lucky. Funny thing is that I don't remember hearing about the dinner tonight.

'You never told me that it was tonight?'
'Yes I did, I clearly told you about tonight!'
'Well if you told me, why don't I remember anything about it?'
'Well I certainly did tell you. Would you like to go?'

Feeling more than upset, I said no and told him to go and have a good time.Well, to be honest with you, I really don't remember him telling me about this and I'm kind of upset about it. I mean why couldn't he just have asked me if I wanted to go last night? Or the night before? Or at least some time in the near past. No, he made no mention of it whatsoever and so decided to look at the positive side of the entire thing. I have the entire evening to myself and I'll be able to work without any interruptions. Yes, I will have a relaxing evening by myself. But no, it's not that easy to put my emotions aside and can't seem to get back to sleep. I am positively fuming at my partner not being considerate enough to have brought this up. If I don't remember him asking me to go with him, he certainly must have forgotten, purposely not have told me or that I have Alzheimer's.

I make myself a cup of decaf and turn on the TV. After 30 minutes I force myself to sleep.I wake up around 12 noon. A fuck buddy of mine is coming over at 1pm as we have to talk about business. There will be no sex today and we are just talking about business. It's convenient really because neither of us seems to be in the mood anyway. It turned out to be a good meeting so after he left, I did feel a little better.

Still the bad mood continued throughout the day.I did some chores around the house, went to buy something to eat and watched a couple of episodes of Queer As Folk:The Final Season. I just finished watching episode 10 so I'm almost at the end. I cried my eyes out when Brian finally said "I love you" to Justin. Am I rediculously emotional or what?!! After that, I finally got to wondering. Am I truly happy in my relationship with my partner of 6 years? It's a Friday night for Christ's sake! Yet he leaves me alone on a Friday night with nothing to do.

Conveniently, I received an email from a guy who'd like to fuck me. I told him to come on over...besides I have nothing else better to do and I'm pissed as is.It's 8:30pm now and he's most likely enjoying dinner with some friends. My new fuck friend should be here any minute now. I mean what else am I supposed to do? Brood over how lonely and pathetic I feel? Wonder what I should say to him when he comes home? I really don't feel like brooding in my negative mood right now so all I can say is this. FUCK IT!