Howard

I was 17 years old...still struggling with my sexuality and contemplating suicide on a weekly basis. I was pretty messed up and confused. I started having sex with a guy and I wasn't happy. I didn't like the fact that we had to "hide" our desires and pretend to be straight. One day, I met a guy named Howard.

Howard helped me become the person I am today...to be proud of who I am and proud to be gay. It's funny because he was so different from me. I remember Howard as a really laid back guy with a smile on his face wherever he went. I often wondered why he was so happy with his life. I was young and just starting life. I was ready to take on the world and work hard towards my goal of becoming rich! He was the opposite of me. He always seemed happy with what he had, satisfied with the simple things in life and just...happy! Period. Something I had a hard time believing because he really didn't have a lot at least in my eyes.

Howard and I met through my first boyfriend's friend. Actually I don't know if that's correct but somehow they were connected being that the island of Oahu is such a tiny island. Well...whatever. Anyways, I was very fortunate to have met Howard and I will never forget him.

Howard was an accountant and had been living with his lover of more than 2 years. They were the perfect couple in my eyes. They had weekly BBQs and lots of parties at their condo. I still remember those days. Their get-togethers were always great! No pressure, wonderful people and I instantly felt welcome in the group.

One day, I made a quick decision to go and visit Japan. I didn't know what I would do there at that time. All I knew was that I had to leave or else I would just die of boredom. Selfish person that I am, I moved to Japan against my mother's will. My family and a handful of friends saw me off at the airport, including Howard. A year later, he was diagnosed with AIDS.

By the time I found out and went to see him at the hospital in Hawaii, he looked nothing like the Howard I knew. He had lost a lot of weight and none of his muscles were there anymore. There was only sorrow in his eyes...and fear. He constantly cried and as I went to hug him, he kept whispering my name into my ear. "Shinichi, Shinichi...Shinichi!", he sobbed. That's all he could manage to say. That was the last time I saw him.

Later, I heard from one of his best friends that a group of them took him to Disneyland in Los Angeles to watch the Fantasmic show. That was his last wish so a group of them took him in a wheelchair. They said that he looked really happy and was all smiles. I received a letter from his mother after his funeral thanking me for coming to see him. The letter said how Howard had nothing of value to leave behind...nothing of material worth. However, he had something much more valuable than money. He had friends that loved him. Something that was worth more than anything in the world which money could never buy.

Knowing Howard during his active years has taught me how to live. His death has taugh me what's important in life. He will always be in my heart and he will always be a true friend.

Howard, may he rest in peace.