1982: Gerrit

Gerrit was his name...a Chinese American that I met at my part-time job at a sushi place in Honolulu...the first job that I actually enjoyed. Well I can't really say I had that many jobs before this one. Let's see, I did work at the sports shop for a few months before moving on to an aloha wear shop and then a job in telemarketing, where I was fired on my first day!

Anyway, it's about the same time I started to work out. Yeah, I was fit and slim. You see, before this, I was fat and ugly! In fact I was 250 pounds at my biggest and one day I just decided I didn't want to lug all this weight around like extra baggage. So I decided to start exercising and eating healthier.

I finally found something I actually enjoyed doing...aerobic dance. I've always loved dance and music so it was perfect for me. Despite my mother's warnings, I decided to do something about my fat and start changing my lifestyle. So I lost the weight and looked and felt great.

Gerrit was the assistant manager where I worked at that time. I was barely 17 years old when I met him. I still had no idea of my sexuality or what homosexuality really meant. He used to drive me home from work as we seemed to always be working the same shifts. I guess it was convenient for him and I needed the ride. This became our routine and I started to enjoy his company very much.

One day after work, he decided to take me for a drive up the mountain. I've always loved the view from up there and you could actually see the building where I lived... seriously you could. We ended up talking about a lot of things I barely remember. One thing I remember talking about is kissing. He asked me if I had ever done it and I said no. He then asked me if I had ever kissed a man and I said no so quickly I hardly had time to breathe. In fact, after he asked me that question, I realized that my breathing had gotten quicker due to my heart beating so fast. I started to sweat and started to panic. At that moment, he grabbed my head and started to kiss me. I let him, and he started to insert his tongue inside my month. In fact, that was my first kiss ever and my mind went totally blank. What was I thinking...that I was planning to save my first kiss for a special occasion with a special man? After that night, we ended up going for a drive up the same mountain after work.

A week after intensive kissing sessions, he started to fondle me in places where I've never been touched before. This is also when he also gave me a blow job. I hardly tell people this, but this wasn't my first time getting one. The first time was when I was 15, but that's another story. Truth be told, it didn't feel that great. I don't know why.

A week later, he asked me to do the same to him...so I did..well attempted to blow him and I felt like I was going to throw up. I didn't really know what I was doing. Well more weeks passed and I actually started enjoying sucking cock!

A full month after my first kiss, I realized that we were going steady as he started to introduce me to his friends as his boyfriend. He told me that he would be extremely jealous if he ever caught me with another guy. He bought me a single carnation, which blew me away as no one had ever bought me flowers before. I fell in love with him and that was the start of my first relationship.

I had no idea what to expect or what to do...all I knew was that I enjoyed being with him. I loved the way he touched me, the way he gave me a hug every time I met him, and I really started to enjoy giving him head...in fact, I loved it. One day however, he mentioned to me how bad I was at giving head. I felt so bad that I wasn't giving him pleasure so I had a talk with my best friend Allan, who was a self-proclaimed professional at sucking cock. We purchased a bunch of bananas at Star Supermarket, and I practiced until I felt I was good enough to try it out on my boyfriend. In fact, I even bought a book on lovemaking...the Gay Guide to Sex. Gerrit was overjoyed and surprised at how good I became at sucking his cock.

I also discovered that there was a thing called anal intercourse. It was such a foreign idea...however it seemed way more intimate than just sucking each other off and wondered why my boyfriend never wanted to fuck me. So one day in the car, I asked him to fuck me. He hesitated and I realized why. I was only 17 years old and he was 24. He felt that he was raping a kid...so I decided to take the initiative and straddled him...yes I just sat on it. I guess it felt good to him because he then threw me on my back and started to fuck me with my legs up in the air. I felt like a prostitute...a slut...however I loved the feeling of intimacy that was not possible with oral sex. In fact, it wasn't as painful as I imagined it would be.

During our relationship, he took me to gay bars, where I met all sorts of people. He showed me the parks where people went to cruise which just shocked me. I did not understand how guys could have sex with people they hardly knew. In fact I was disgusted with the whole idea I really asking him how people could have sex without love! That's how young I was!

As time went by, we started spending more time with each other. I started alienating myself from my friends. I was still going to the gym to work out 4-5 times a week and that was the one thing I would never give up even for him. Gerrit told me one day that I had to give up working out for him if I loved him. Working out was one of the most important things in my life back then...it was the one thing that made me happy...in fact it was life-changing for me. It improved my health and I actually felt better about myself. I decided not to give it up just for him. The relationship began to crumble.

He started treating me like shit...he had a crush on another guy that I despised...we started having dinner with this third person...in fact I would have to order the cheapest thing on the menu so that the other guy could order anything he wanted. Why I stayed with him I have no idea why. I guess I had nothing better to do.

I came down with a case of hepatitus and had to stay home for 2 months. It's strange because he said he didn't have it. I also never had sex with anyone else but him. He never called or visited me during that time. My friend Allan, my sister and her boyfriend Mike kept me company the whole time. They came to see me every day. I love them for that.

After I got better, I realized he never had the guts to break up with me. It was so obvious he didn't even want to see me.I mean he stopped calling me period. Nothing. So I wrote him a letter telling him I no longer wanted to be with him. I gave him the option of staying friends. I never heard from him again and decided to quit my job for his sake. He was there longer than I was so it was only fair.

I cried for 3 months straight and ond day finally...decided to grow up.