1966-1971 Memories

I often find myself looking back at my past looking for answers to the problems I face as an adult. It's funny when you think about it. I couldn't wait to "grow up" so that I could be independent abd strong. I imagined a world of love and endless laughter waited for me somewhere out there. Come to think of it, I don't have many fond memories of my childhood...but maybe if I try real hard...go digging into my mind's past, I may find something.

Ahhh...memories of my life in Japan until I was around 5...what do I see?...

I remember snow...lots of snow....looking out a window I see falling snow. It's beautiful and cold...almost good enough to eat. So I get a small ceramic bowl from the kitchen and hold it out the window...slowly the bowl fills up with the white flakes. They are so light, almost weightless. I see myself just watching the snow falling and falling over and over again. It takes me away from something...I don't know what but it's an escape for me.

Ohhhh...I realize my bowl is filled to its capacity so I decide that's enough. I tear open a small individual packet of granulated sugar and sprinkle it on top of my nature-made snow cone. It's delicious...little did I know it was filled with pollutants.

I used to play with a girl much older than me. She was kind and pretty so I enjoyed being with her. One day she took me out to the field right in front of my apartment to show me how to catch butterflies. There were yellow butterflies fluttering all over the place in between the tall grass and weed. I lunged forward towards a butterfly that was quietly relaxing on a blade of weed. I had crushed the butterfly by mistake. I never tried to catch butterflies again.

I used to cry a lot if my memory serves me well. Later on I found out from my grandmother that my mother used to leave to work while I was sleeping with no one else around. I was afraid that my mother would abandon me like my father did. I couldn't help but cry. My mother hated that.

A car running over my toes crushin my toenails. I don't think my mother took me to the hospital. It healed amazingly.

I was always sick and taking medication. I remember laying in a hospital bed. It was very quiet and was too frightened to cry. I lay there silent.

My younger sister was a nuisance to me. She was noisy and messy. I didn't understand.
I loved my grandmother and her husband Norisan. I used to often run away to their place without permissions from my mother. Gosh I was a bad boy.

My grandmother was always nice and tender. I understood her soul and she understood mine. She taught me a lot about life at that age. I still remember her telling me how special I was. She taught me to trust and believe in myself. Norisan used to take me to the amusement park almost every weekend and that was fun I remember. I remember myself being really terrified on a tiny roller coaster as I could not see in front of me. For some strange reason, I kept going on the damn thing.

I used to be scared of something all the time. I felt lonely and sad. I can't remember why. Even writing about it makes me cry.