1980-1982 Memories

I dropped out of school when I was 16...I refused to go back to school and had to go to counselors, teachers and psychologists to see what was going on in my head. I tricked all of them into thinking I was good and my mother was bad...that she was the cause of all this misery in me. I often succeeded as my mother always left upset and angry at me for tricking whoever was supposed to be treating me into believing everything was her fault. That gave me pleasure...in fact during those days, I found very little pleasure in seeing people happy.

I started working for a sushi shop after trying many different part-time jobs...sports shop, aloha wear shop, restaurant...I decided to stay with the sushi place for at least a year and to be honest, it had been a long time since I actually enjoyed something. However, I realized this would not be my lifetime career and figured out that I needed a high school diploma to do the things I wanted to do. So I got my GED with great scores, and started cosmetology school. This was also the first time I had my first sexual experience with a man...the assistant manager at the sushi shop! We were together for a year, he was closeted and I realized I hated being in the closet...I needed to free myself and decided to tell the world what I am! i finally knew what I was and was proud of it! A good friend of mine taught me that, and my grandmother taught me to believe in myself...for the first time in my life, I looked into my own heart and found what was right for me...not for what others thought of me. For the first time in my life, I was happy to be me!!!

I lost about 90 pounds of fat! I started working out despite my mother's warnings. I wanted to change everything I didn't like about myself. I bought myself flowers. I got the courage to become an aerobics instructor...in fact, I did that just to prove to myself that I could do something. I broke up with that asshole of a boyfriend...and started to take control of my life!