Today was another cold day here in Tokyo. In fact, the forcast calls for some snow tomorrow night. Yes it's that cold. I just got back from dinner with guy number 2. We had some very nice robata and afterwards went to Starbucks for some tea. As we were having tea, I started to realize something. Actually it wasn't the first time but over time, I started to feel this way. I should have known it would turn out this way and I don't know why I it didn't dawn on me until today. It won't work no matter how I look at it. During tea, I told him that we need to talk about our relationship.

We went our separate ways and on the way home on the train, I emailed him telling him that I would like us to get together during the week to talk seriously. I got him and received an email that said that it was great fun today and that he loves me. There was no hint of the talk. I was a bit confused so I decided I needed to give him a call which I did. He answered the phone in a bright and cheery voice. It was kind of weird and it almost feels as if we were on different wave lengths....me on a serious wave and he on a cheerful one. Anyway he said that he got the email and that yes, we should talk on Tuesday. He said that he loves me and we will have a talk for sure. But he said all that without a drop of seriousness...just as always in his cheerful voice.

I'm planning to tell him that this isn't working and that I think the best thing to do is stop before it gets any worse. I wonder what he's going to say and how he's going to react? I don't know how long I can take this. It's driving me totally insane.

I really need to take a deep breath and go inside myself, like my yoga teacher says. Yes, I need to compose myself and get my thoughts in order. What a mess I got myself into.

The strange thing is this. I love him too. But it's the scary kind of love. It frightens me and I don't know why. What about my boyfriend you ask? I love him too....but in a different kind of way. I love him because we have trust and have invested a lot into the relationship. I can't explain it well. I love both of them and I never thought this would ever happen to me.