The 1980s

I dropped out of school when I was 16...I refused to go back to school and had to go to counselors, teachers and psychologists to see what was going on in my little head. I used to think I was real smart thinking I'd tricked all of them into believing I was good and my mother was bad...that she was the cause of all this misery. I remember my mother getting really upset over the fact that they would always blame her for what I was doing. That gave me pleasure...in fact during those days, I found very little pleasure in seeing other people happy. I was one bitter fucker and I hated those days. I have a difficult time trying to remember what I was thinking those days...I really must have blocked those memories out.

During my school years, my family started to fall apart. My mother was never home as she had to work all night and she never came home until after 2am. My sister got heavily into hard drugs. I became rebellious and hated life in general. It was such an effort to just get myself up in the mornings. I started cutting classes instead of going to school.

One day my mother and I got into a major argument. I ended up breaking things in the apartment and locked myself up in the bathroom. After I came out, my mother was waiting for me. She gave me one hard slap across the face as fury rose in me. I told her something that I would always regret.

'Mom, I wish I was never born and you know what? I'm so embarassed to have a mother like you. You make me sick to the core!!!'

The next thing you know, she started to cry. It was the first time she ever cried in front of me. I left the apartment and told her that I'd never come back.

After closing the door behind me, I walked up to the top floor of the building behind our apartment and stood there looking down. My tears wouldn't stop and I hated myself for hurting my mother...making my mother cry. I realized the horrible thing I've done to her and could not forgive myself. I thought about my entire life and how miserable it's all been, how much trouble I cause my mother, and basically I felt that I didn't belong in this world. I wanted to die.

I made a decision to jump off the building. I wasn't scared of heights back then and I figured, this would be the best. I couldn't take it anymore...I couldn't do anything right and things would be better off without me. I had no place in this world. I climbed over the railings until my feet were at the edge of the slab of concrete. I apologized to my mother inside my heart and hoped that she would forgive me. I didn't cry anymore, I was no longer sad. I felt I had made the right decision and was about to get it done...One leg in the air and let go of the railings with my left hand. At that precise moment, I heard my mother's voice calling me. She started walking towards the building so I automatically climbed back over to hide from my mother...I didn't want her to catch me hiding around there...I mean what am I, a cry baby? No, my mother will not have the pleasure of seeing me in this state.

Funny thing is that I completely forgot why I was there in the first place. I would attempt to commit suicide one more time, this time with sleeping pills and alcohol. I somehow managed to fail at that attempt as well. I now realize that I needed help and I needed someone to talk to. Simple as that really. Like most young people I didn't see that then. All I could think of was that I couldn't do anything right...not even a simple task as killing myself. How fucked up can I get?