Mr. H...the final chapter

For two whole days, all I did was cry until there were no more tears. I thought about what just had happened. I tried to think of what I did to make him stop loving me. We were having a great sex, he seemed happy all the time and we never got into many arguments. I didn't have a clue as to why he stopped loving me.

My friends called me everyday and a couple came over to check up on me to make sure I wasn't slitting my wrists. I did contemplate suicide but only for about 3 seconds...no I would never kill myself. But it sure went through my mind because this was not a good place to be.

After crying my eyes out and eating a lot of ice cream and chocolates, one of his friends called me on the phone. She was one of his best friends and we've gotten pretty close. She called to see if I was ok. I told her maybe I should try to change for him. I don't know how or what, but whatever he wanted, I would try to change. If he wanted me to work 7 jobs, sure I would do that. Then she told me something that was the turning point of my depression.

'S, I know you love him very much but I hate seeing you like this. This is not you.'
'What are you talking about? It is me...in depression and desperation! I want you to know that I will do anything to get him back. '
'I admire what you're trying to do but don't throw away the most important thing.'
'What am I throwing away?'
'You are throwing yourself away. You're trying to change into something you're not for someone that may or may not deserve you. I can't stand seeing you this way.'
'Huh?...'
'S, you're a special person and you shouldn't have to stoop that low for anyone, never! I mean is S, I don't like it one bit. If things weren't meant to be, it just wasn't and that's that.'

That one statement made a lot of sense to me. It wasn't easy but I came to grips with reality and decided that life goes on with or without H. I still loved him sure, but I started to concentrate on myself.

First thing I did was to listen to a lot of Cher. Believe, Strong Enough, you know the words..."Strong enough, to live without you, strong enough, I quit crying long enough and I'm strong enough to know, you gotta go!" Yep, in typical gay fashion, I sang it over and over while cleaning the apartment and sorting through his clothes and other shit into garbage bags. I went to the neighborhood flower shop to ask for work, anything to get my mind off H. I told her I'll work for free and work on commission! I started a website to make new friends and started going to the gym again.

One week later, H arrived at the door of our apartment. He looked relaxed and happy. I thought maybe he just came back from a mini-vacation with a new lover or something. Whatever, I was passed all that. Anyway he came back to tell me he wanted to try getting back together again. I told him for that to be possible, he would have to explain to me why he broke up with me in the first place and why he wanted to get back together if he doesn't love me anymore. I was confused and actually quite upset! After I finally get myself together he comes back to confuse my life even more? What an asshole...I sure can pick them can't I?

He still refused to answer my questions but he moved back in. After a week went by and he decided a trip to Singapore would be fabulous. He was paying for everything, business class tickets, hotels, everything. So I went with him. In Singapore I met his friends and a good friend of his kept telling me how much H still loves me and that I should give him another chance. I was just too tired to get into the details and just nodded in agreement everytime the subject came up.

Although the trip was nice, I realized I could no longer stay with him. I was too afraid and didn't want to go through all that again. Nope, he took away my pride, my happiness and my green card. A few months later he decided to move out and I promptly found myself a new roommate. After my relationship with H, I vowed to myself never to fall in love again...ever!

That was almost 7 years ago...