Woke up with a stuffed nose, a heavy feeling in my head and a gloomy and rainy day. Last night while drinking with some friends, I had a sudden burning sensation in my chest. I wonder if that's what you call heartburn. It was nothing like anything I ever felt though, so I got scared. My friend went to buy me some hearburn medicine while I sat on the stairs outside the bar. It only lasted for about 30 minutes and afterwards wondered what all that was about.

My friend Michael is like a brother to me. We've known each other since we were five and went to school together. He's visiting me now so this week we've been kind of busy, going to Osaka and Kyoto and bar hopping. Although I've known him since I was 5, we weren't always this close. I used to see him across the room at school thinking he was one strange dude. He must've been thinking the same about me. We were both fat kids at school and both on the shy side. I don't really remember when we started hanging out, but it must have been around the time space invaders came out...you know the video game. We started going to the game arcades and eat together. Then we went to different junior high schools and we sort of drifted apart. We were so into different things. I was into new wave and alternative music. He was into disco or something like that. He was into guy stuff. I was into girly stuff. He loved movies like Jaws and Alien. My favorites were Yentl and Xanadu.

When I finally discovered the fact that I was gay, I told him. He seemed confused. He ended up being gay himself in the end. We started going to gay bars together. We hung out. He became an alcoholic. He started having problems. He started to become bitter and pessimistic about everything in life. I was the direct opposite, becoming stronger and more positive than anything else. One day I had enough of his bullshit and told him to get lost. He was an alcoholic, had a problem and too many issues for me to handle. I told him I loved him, but he needed to help himself. One of our last conversations were like this.

'S, I want to just kill myself. Nobody loves me'
'Mikey, you've been saying that for months'
'I should just die, no one would care if I died anyway'
'I care ok. If I didn't I wouldn't be listening to your bullshit for all this time so just get it through your thick skull'
'You don't love me! If you did, you wouldn't be saying that!'
'Mike, if I didn't care about you, I wouldn't say anything. But I love you and that's why I'm telling you the truth. You are totally fucked up and have to get your act together! You don't want to kill youself. You just want pity and you're feeling sorry for yourself that's all!'
'Fuck you! You don't understand anything!If you loved me you wouldn't be saying that so fuck you!'
'Fuck you Mike! I'm telling you the truth! Get some help asshole!'
'Fuck you'
'Fuck you too and call me when you get better. If you want to kill yourself, go right ahead! See ya later!'
'Fuck you!!!'

Three years later, we were back to being friends again. He finally realized he had an alcohol problem. I was glad he realized it and was trying to do something about it. Ever since, we've been friends. He still has issues and he's the most negative person I know. But he's like a brother to me...he's family...a family member that has problems. Through action, I hope he learns to look at the positive sides of things, not the negatives. I pray that one day he can learn to let go of his anger and focus on the present and what he can do to create change in his personal life.

Fast forward to last night. He took me to a bar he frequents and I'm glad I went. He was welcome at that bar and as far as I could see, he was in his element. There were guys in drag, a woman who was now a man, some straight guys, and other types that my friends and I don't normally talk to. It was a different world that I didn't know existed. The gay world usually puts focus on good-looking men with beautiful bodies. My friends and I frequent places with the best-looking guys. This bar where Michael goes to, had none of your typical gay people there. They were like a group of outcasts that didn't feel welcome in the world...even in the gay world. And they welcomed Michael with open arms and he fit right in there with them. He found his place in the world called nichome. He finally made a connection with someone...a man that used to be a woman and a drag queen. I felt out of place. He was having a ball and looked happy. Sitting there with my glass of oolong tea all by myself, watching him with his gang of friends, I was overjoyed to see him belong. I felt happy.