Thursday, January 25, 2007

Love...

I'm sitting here at my computer contemplating what love really is. I know that there are various types of loves...brotherly love, love between friends and family, love for your dog, love for God and loving your spouse. What I'm talking about is the kind of love you feel for someone with a passion, the kind of love that hurts. Recently, I've experienced this sort of love and I don't know I live being in this state of mind. First of all, it doesn't make any sense and all logic and reason just go out the window. I feel totally out of control and not at all happy about it.

I think I'm in love and it's not good. As far as I can see, there's really no future in this relationship. First of all, I already have a partner who I consider to be my life partner. However I seem to be in love with this other guy who I've been seeing for over a month now. He wants me to break up with my lover and says he's willing to wait for me to make up my mind. He's absolutely sweet and adorable and pushes all the right buttons.

So can one be in love with two persons at the same time? The way I'm feeling right now, the answer would be a definite yes. Is it a good feeling? Not really. I feel guilty as hell and sort of feel like shit. I really got to get my shit together don't you think? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Shinichi

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Business is booming...

Well, it's been about 2 weeks since starting my gay massage service. I created a website and it's just unbelievable how many people are looking to get a gay massage. I've been booked solid for the past week and to be honest, it's sort of killing me. The manual labor is very intense and trying to keep enough towels clean for the customers and try having a normal meal! Hardly possible with my schedule. So I've learned to make a sandwich in the early part of the day so I have something to nibble on throughout the work day.

So far, the youngest customer was 24...I think he just came today. He says he'll be trying to come as often as he can, but most likely once a month due to financial difficulties. The next customer was a fitness instructor and he had a two-hour session. He had a fabulous body and we ended up making out. The third customer was an older man and as soon as I had his cock in my mouth, he came in less then 5 seconds! Boy, that's definitely a record! The last guy was my favorite as I was astounded at how handsome he was. He ended up giving me a blow job (no that great I might add), and that was pretty much my entire day.

This morning I did manage to buy a couple of bottles of massage oil. I also purchased a book on aromatherapy as it's starting to intrigue me these days.

I am so fucking tired I could just die.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

An unbelievably busy day!

I woke up to a beautiful and sunny day. I didn't really want to get out of bed because it was so freaking cold. I just wanted to stay inside my blanket and never venture out of my warm and cozy bed. Obviously I had to get out and get on with my day and what a busy day it turned out to be. I quickly had a bagel, yogurt and coffee before washing my face, putting on some moisturizer and brushing my teeth before my first appointment arrived. It was the first time we met this year and he brought me a package of pure cocoa. I was really happy because I'm practically out of my can of Giradelli Cocoa powder. I cannot live without hot chocolate during the winter.

Right after the first appointment, my second appointment arrived, which was my first massage appointment of the day. He turned out to be a man in his 50s and had scary hair. After a short chat, I asked him to shower and prepare himself for the greatest massage of his life. We started to chat during the massage and I found out that his wife recently passed away and he's currently living with his 15 year-old daughter. We got along really well and bonded. He left after about 2 hours. He said he makes dinner for his daughter every night so he had to get moving. I thought that was endearing.

Then on to my next appointment. He turned out to be a 49 year-old cartoonist. He was actually pretty good looking and well-built. After a shower, he came out stark naked and had absolutely no shame. He also requested that I concentrate on his ass muscles. So I started out with his neck and shoulders, continuing on to his lower back. When I got to his butt, I had to think...how much can you do with ass muscles? I mean you can only massage that area in so many ways until it starts to get repetitive. Anyway, the funny thing is that he started to get turned on and he kept lifting up his butt. Long story short, I ended up fucking the guy. I must admit that he was a great fuck and I felt bad taking money from him. But hey, business is business right! Anyway, he sure was a great fuck!

Then I had a quick dinner before my next appointment. That was legit business. Then right after, had my last appointment of the day at 9pm. I was so tired and my leg muscles were aching by this time, but I had to keep going. It took me so much energy to keep myself awake but kept going for 90 minutes including jerking the guy off. I walked him out and went to meet my boyfriend at the convenience store.

Came home, chatted with boyfriend for an hour, more appointments came in for Monday night and Sunday morning at 10am! Bloody 10:00 in the morning!

Well, great thing is that I'm almost done paying off my debt! Whoopeeee!!!!!

Monday, January 15, 2007

Another cold day...

Yes, it was another typically cold day here in the land of the rising sun. The weather was beautiful and despite the polar temperature, there was not a single cloud in the sky. My day was filled with activity, but mostly due to work. I had to get my translation done by this afternoon so I spent most of my morning doing that. After finally getting it done, I worked out for about 45 minutes than took a shower. I had a massage appointment tonight at 9pm so I kept on working until it was time to leave.

Today's client was a businessman staying at a hotel. He was here on business from Gifu Prefecture, which is about 3 hours away by train. He reserved a 2-hour session so I rolled up my sleeve and gave him what he wanted. I think it went well and he seemed to be satisfied with my service.

I got home sometime around past midnight and I was starving so I made myself some soup. I got to updating my blog for an hour. All I have left to do is brush my teeth, wash my face and get ready for another long day tomorrow!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

What the fuck am I doing?

It's so hard to keep track of the days as they seem to go by so quickly. Especially since my days are so varied and my days seem to be filled with so much activity these days, it's easy to forget what day it is. The only thing that's keeping me up-to-date is my scheduler. Without that, I would lose all hope of ever remembering everything I need to do.

Last year, I embarked on a new career. It's progressing well, but as always things could be better. To tell you the truth, I've sold myself a couple more times to customers and one of them was a repeat customer. I also started a massage service and advertise it on a website, which my partner helped with. So suddenly I find myself really busy with juggling appointments for massages, sex and meeting prospective partners for business. And this has been going on for about a week now and frankly, I'm getting kind of used to it. I am happy that I get more clients for massages rather than just for sex. They seem to enjoy my massages and it makes me happy to hear their comments afterwards. Tomorrow I have another client at 3pm and then another one at 9pm on Monday.

Hey, it's not like I'm going to be doing this forever. Just until I can survive solely on my main business. Until then, I really have no choice do I? And I'm not really hating it. I sort of enjoy it.

In the midst of all this activity, I did manage to have sex with a guy for 15 minutes. Why 15 minutes you ask? Well another guy came right over after the first one because I was so horny, I figured why not ask both of them to come on over! So 15 minutes with the first one. Then 15 minutes with the second guy. I had a phone call from my boyfriend while I was fucking and he was on his way home...in the next 5 minutes! So I told the guy to cum NOW so he did...well he was close anyway. Then he quickly got dressed, he left and I got dressed so that I could meet up with my boyfriend at the convenience store across the street. I quickly threw away the used up tissue, gargled with mouthwash and went to meet my boyfriend.

As I was going down the elevator, I had to ask myself...what the hell am I doing?

Friday, January 05, 2007

Have you confessed?

I have a confession to make. I received money in return for sexual favors. I did it when I was desperate almost 20 years ago. I vowed never to do that again. Almost 20 years later, I did it again. I did it for personal reasons and I'm taking full responsibility for my actions. Within a couple of days, I had 4 customers. Maybe it was because of my previous experience with the profession...it felt comfortable and it came naturally. Was it hard to do? Not really. I learned to think of it just like a regular business. Naturally I can't confess this to my partner or any of my friends except for a select few. There are those in my life that I feel I can confess anything to. Will I do it again? I can honestly say that I will not think twice about doing it again if I had to. I already have customers that want a repeat.

Back when I sold my body many years ago, I worked for someone. Half of the profit went to my boss. With the power of the internet, I'm able to work for myself. Sure there are risks involved and anything can happen. I mean what if your customer decides to slash your throat in the middle of the act? What do you do with no-shows? How about when someone decides not to pay? Well, I accept the responsibility and maybe it's because of my business experience, I confirm with my customers via email to make sure they know what the total price is going to be. I ask them what they expect out of the experience and make sure they pay me before I service them. About your throat being slashed, you can't really do much about that can you? Besides, that could happen to you in almost any profession.

I have to confess I'm not proud of it, but hey it's all about survival and I have things to take care of. I've always had a difficult time asking people for help and I rather take care of things myself...besides it's my responsibility. Am I throwing away my other career options to pursue a career in prostitution? Of course not you silly twat!!! So that's my confession for today.

So...have you confessed?

My destiny?

The new year has arrived and I'm going to be 41 in a matter of weeks. It feels as though I just turned 40, but at the same time, the year felt longer than usual. I know it sounds weird and crazy but the year 2006 felt longer than previous years. It feels shorter because 40 was such a milestone for me. So now going on to 41, I look back at what my life has been. 40 years seem like such a long time...am I really that ancient? Has it really been 40 years already? If it really has been 40 years, I should be wiser and mature in my ways don't you think? Well, I realize that things do change and I have changed in many ways, but many things remain the same.

I started a new career, juggled with more than a couple of businesses and at the same time, found myself in a situation I couldn't refuse. In fact, I'm reminded of when I just arrived here in Japan almost 20 years ago. I was scared yet excited of the fact that my future lay in front of me. I find myself in the same situation at this time in life. Who would have thought I would be scared and excited about my future at the age of 40? Not me, that's for sure.

It dawned on me one day sometime in December of last year that I have the same hopes and dreams as I did 20 years ago. The same fears that come with hoping for a better future and reaching for your dreams...to believe in yourself and what you can accomplish...to do what you have to do in order to stay alive and to survive. Nothing has really changed. I still don't know what's in store for my future. Are all my dreams and hopes part of my destiny?