Even though there are clouds above me, it's a lovely day really. After three days of rain, any dry day is a welcome relief. We're in the middle of April and I am proud to say I am officially two-timing my boyfriend. Gosh I haven't used that word in ages...ever since high school. Yes I have two boyfriends...it almost feels as if I'm acting out a role from a past life...when people used to have concubines or mistresses. Just writing this out makes me feel dizzy. I keep asking myself how I ever got myself into this mess and I really don't know where things went wrong. Then again, there is no right in this situation and only wrong I suppose. I never meant things to get this serious and complex.

I'm beginning to understand what a friend of mine was going through ages ago. He was totally depressed about having two lovers and didn't know who to choose. I thought he was absolutely nuts and a hopeless nympho. So what the fuck is wrong with me anyway? I keep asking myself why? why? why?

I sort of know the reason why. I know deep down inside. I'm just scared to confront them that's all and I don't seem to be ready for it.

I'm in a serious dilemma. I mean I'm pretty sure it's serious. If I don't dwell on it, it doesn't seem such a big deal. But it really is no matter how you look at it. I don't really know how it got to be like this but things just...sort of happened and I thinking about it kind of makes me sick.

I've been cheating on my partner and I don't me just having sex and child stuff like that. I'm cheating on him big time. It all started in December of last year at a party I went to and my boyfriend decided to stay home. I was in a not-so-good mood as he hadn't been accompanying me to any social events whatsoever and so I invited a friend to go with me. Well, I ended up talking to a lot of people and there was this one guy that I had a conversation with for like 3 minutes at the most. Seriously, no more than that. In fact I hardly noticed him. He was just there next to my friends and felt like I had to invite him into our conversation. When I got home, he had emailed me through an online community since we are both connected via a mutual friend. He said that he'd like to see me and so I invited him over for a cup of coffee on a weekday. It all started out totally innocent.

So he came over. Instead of coffee, we ended up having wine and I told him that I had to stop drinking because if I don't I always end up kissing people and do stupid stuff like that. So he said, I should continue drinking. "Okay was that a hint?" I asked myself. An hour passed as we talked about trivial things and he suddenly took hold of my hands. He looked into my eyes and we ended up passionately kissing on the sofa.

So now it's April. Guess what? We've been seeing each other at least 2 times a week since. We've taken a trip together abroad. He's bought me this really fantastic bracelet, and a bag that I needed. He treats me like royalty and makes me feel really special. Where was my partner through all this you ask? Well, he was there in the background doing his own stuff not really noticing much. Then just two days ago, he wanted to have sex with me and looked me straight in the eyes and said that he really loves me. Well, how come he's never said that for the past 3 years? I felt like crying because although I do love him, I didn't feel as if I'm in love with him. It was a sad feeling and I don't know what to do about it. I feel guilty towards the other guy when I'm having sex with my boyfriend. And then I feel guilty towards my boyfriend when I'm with the other guy.

So what the fuck am I going to do about this rediculous situation? Seriously, I really don't know. I'm stuck and I simply don't know which direction I'm heading towards. I'm seriously shit and I feel like an asshole.