Today I met a friend that I haven't seen in a very long time. A year ago, we sort of had an affair and I guess I agreed to the whole deal because he was married. As with most things in life, things didn't go as planned. We did have some good times though and I wish things didn't get so messy. Anyway, we met again today. It was hard to believe a whole year had passed. The conversation was the same and we had a good time talking again. We've always been able to have a good time and that hadn't changed.

He did leave me with an interesting story though. After we ended the affair, he decided to try out a life of sexual abandon. So one of his friends invited him to an orgy that was taking place in town. He met someone there and after a session of sex, they took a shower together. He then realized that he looked somewhat familiar and after asking him some questions, put the pieces together. As soon as he realized who it was, he left the place in a hurry. Who was the guy you ask? Believe it or not, it was my ex-boyfriend! Yep, it's definitely a small world after all!

I woke up at exactly 11am this morning...well almost noon. I called my mother and we chatted for a while. After that, I worked for two hours. I started checking my emails and thought to myself...hey it's a beautiful day and I ought to be outside with the rest of the people.

I hopped onto my bicycle and just pedaled to nowhere really. I somehow ended up at a famous cruising spot...a video box. You know, one of those places where you pay a small fee and they give you a small room to watch porno and there are glory holes on either sides of you? I had a couple of reasons for going there, but basically I was bored.

The first man that came into my room tried to force me to suck his cock. He slipped on a condom and I just refuse to suck a condom! I hate the smell of condoms and I would not put one in my mouth for heaven's sake! Then he started talking dirty to me.

'I wanna see your asshole dude'
'Uh-huh...'
'Come on show it to me'
'Um...
'You like getting fucked hard, don't you?'
'Um, yeah I do...but I'm ...not in the mood.'
'So why are you here then?'
'I had nothing else to do. '
'So can I fuck you?'

At this time, I noticed a wedding ring on his finger.

'What would your wife say about fucking a guy at a video box?'

After that comment, he quickly zipped himself up, gave me a smirk and left my box.

30 minutes later though, I did have a 3-way. That was fun!

A very interesting thing happened to me today.

About a week ago, I received an email from a guy who saw my profile in a personals website. He was well into his 60s and I decided to meet him for a cup of coffee. He seemed like a really nice guy. However as I was talking to him I started to realize that what he was telling me sounded familiar. "Strange", I though. I never met this guy, yet I knew I heard his stories somewhere. 30 minutes into the conversation, I realized why. Let's rewind back 6 years ago in time...

I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 3 years and was devestated. I put out an ad in an online personals website and got an email from a Japanese guy. He told me that he was happily married to a guy and that they've been together for 20 years! He asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him. I was in a really shitty mood so I told him that I would be happy to join him for dinner as long as he was paying and only if he took me to a really nice place! I suggested the New York Grill at the Park Hyatt, which is one of the most expensive places in Tokyo. I was hoping he would say no and that would be the end of it. To my surprise, he said ok and found myself in a position unable to refuse.

To make a long story short, we ended up having dinner the next night, and the next and the next...actually 5 nights in a row. I told him honestly but politely, that I was not looking for a relationship and I agreed to have dinner with him because I felt it would be "safe" as he was in a committed relationship. Well, funny thing is that he seemed to like me...a lot. I won't get into details...however he fell in love with me and although I didn't feel the same way, it was fun. He paid for everything, took me on trips to New York, Europe and Asia...all business class. We stayed in the best hotels and we ate like kings. As time went by, he started to get really serious and it made me feel uncomfortable. I mean he had a parther of 20 years and I never expected things to get so serious between us. Well, it ended badly...he getting hurt much more than I ever expected. I felt like shit really...but I was honest with him...never really promised him anything...well I know I shouldn't have done what I've done, but still...

Now fast track to today. I met this guy at the coffee shop for a cup of coffee. Although I didn't mention it to him, he was the guy's partner! I found it rather amusing and decided not to mention anything to him. I mean the whole affair thingy was a big secret. You know, they both lived abroad in Europe. They were both complete strangers to me. And I was contacted by both of them...a couple that plays with other guys in secret. Can you imagine what would happen if I did it with this guy I met today? What a day!

It's 2:19am. The cool and light breeze coming through my open window feels good. I'm lying on the bed with my laptop while my partner is sound asleep next to me. I gaze at his face feeling sorry for him. He looks so tired. I wish I could do something to help him. I want to make him happy. I want to see the bags under his eyes disappear. I want him to be filled with so much happiness that he explodes with joy! I wonder what he's dreaming about?

Incence

Okay, now it's almost 6:30am and I can feel tingling in my fingers which is a sure sign that I'm getting ready to pass out. I'm kind of in a delirious state and funny thing is, I started thinking about a certain memory I usually block out. Right around 5:30am, I had a memory of when I was 6 or 7. I don't know what triggered that memory or why I even remembered it but it's something i've never forgotten. I think it was the first time I was hurt, I mean really hurt... by my mother. I've always loved my mother and I still do. Since I was a child, my mother was my world. I think this one day changed all that.


I must have been around 6 or 7 because I was already going to school in Hawaii after coming from Japan. One day after school, I came home and found myself starving so went to look for something in the refrigerator. I found a package of hot dogs and decided that I wanted some. I read the instructions on the package and realized I needed to cook them before I could eat the sausages. However I remember my mother warning me many times not to touch any of the kitchen appliances as they were too dangerous for me to handle. So at first I thought I could boil the sausages in hot water. I turned on the faucet and waited for the water to become really hot. I stuck a chopstick through a sausage and made it like a popsicle. I thought I was really clever but after doing that for about a minute, I realized that this wasn't going to cook the sausage. So against my mother's orders, I decided to really cook my sausage the real way. The instructions on the package told me to boil some water in a pot so I poured some water into a small pot and put it on the stove. I carefully turned the dial on the stove to "hot". After awhile, the water came to a boil so I carefully put one sausage into the boiling water and cooked it for the recommended time. After it was done, I switched the heat off as I've seen my mother do thousands of times, took the sausage out and started to eat it. I was so proud of what I could do . I Actually cooked for the first time and felt very much like an adult. That was until my mother walked in from somewhere. I'm not sure exactly where she had been, but she came in just in time to see me eating the sausage in the kitchen with the pot of very hot water on the stove still sitting there. I really didn't think she would mind as I hadn't really messed anything up or burned down the house or anything major like that. But what she did to me was so amazing you would've thought I burned down the whole neighborhood. She grabbed my arm in on angry motion, and sat me down on the living room sofa. She then started screaming at me for being a very bad boy and slapped me across the face several times. I was already crying by but that wasn't the end of it. She got a stick of incense and lighted one with a match until it was burning bright at the tip. I had no idea what she was going to do but I was scared shitless and was screaming at the top of my lungs by now. I tried to run away from her grasp but couldn't and remember regretting even going into the kitchen that day. I prayed to God that I would do anything to make my mother stop and love me again. I loved my mother and she loved me and she wouldn't do anything to hurt me. There was no way she was going to hurt me. At that moment her facial expression softened and she loosened her grip so I thought she had forgiven me. I was ready to go into her arms and cry for forgiveness. She caught me off guard and poked the tip of the burning end of the incence on the top of my hand. It was the most pain I've ever felt since birth and this time, the pain didn't go away. The pain lingered there for a long time after. As I started to cry silently this time, she stood up without saying a word, went to her bedroom and started to get ready to go to work.

My friend Howard

My childhood was filled with gloom and confusion. A lot of confusion. I always felt out of place most likely because of the fact that I was gay and I thought something was wrong with me. I looked to help in many places. Religion, the occult, rebellion, and overeating. Oh, and thinking of suicide was getting very old indeed. I finally realized that I was gay and had to face up to the fact that no matter how many therapy sessions I went to, I was never going to start longing for a woman.

Then I met Howard.

Howard and I met through my first boyfriend's friend if I remember correctly.
Howard worked as an accountant and had been living with his lover for more than 2 years. In my eyes, they were the ideal gay couple and just looking at them made me fell all warm and good inside. He was a simple man. He was satisfied with his life and always seemed to be happy. I used to look forward to his weekly barbeques or one of his parties at his place. There were always many people there and I always had a lot of fun.

After the few years of "no worries" in Hawaii, I decided to move to Japan after a lot of thinking. I needed to get away to "find myself"...to get out of the familiar rut I was about to get swallowed into. I needed to go after my amtitions in life whatever they were at that time.

A year later, Howard was diagnosed with AIDS. By the time I found out and went to see him at the hospital in Hawaii, he looked nothing like the Howard I knew. He had lost a lot of weight and none of his muscles were there anymore. There was sorrow in his eyes...and fear. He constantly cried and as I went to hug him, he kept whispering my name into my ear. That was the last time I saw him.

After I flew back to Japan, I heard that his friends and partner took him to Disneyland in California. A large group of his friends took him in a wheelchair and they said he looked really happy.

Howard always treated people with kindness and respect. He loved his friends and his friends loved him back. He didn't have a lot of money and he didn't possess many things. What he did have were friends. Friends that truly loved him.

I have to say that my life is just full of ups and downs. Well, I guess everyone's life is...I mean life is like a rollercoaster don't you think? Seriously, I sometimes think my life is going around in a big circle. I never seem to be quite satisfied with life in general and need to keep reminding myself to just appreciate what I already have. I do really. I have great friends, a loving partner and a supportive mother. There is still one thing missing in my life.

Last night, a few of my friends came over to chat over wine and dessert. I truly had a great time. At around 3am, we all looked out the window to see the full moon. The night sky was clear and the moon couldn't be any brighter. It actually looked a bit too bright! We all stepped out onto the balcony to gaze at the stars and moon. It truly was a beautiful night. We just stood there together and at that moment, life couldn't get any better. In fact, it was perfect.

The art of the blow job.

Being a gay man, giving head is as natural as sleeping and eating. It's probably one of the first things you need to master in order to have a healthy and active sex life. My first experience was with a guy I met when I was 17. Without his advice, my blow jobs probably wouldn't be what they are today. Here's why.

After a few attempts at giving head, he...we'll call him Gerrit...he told me that I truly sucked at sucking! So I went to get some advice from a friend of mine who had more experience than me.

'Hey, my bf tells me that I suck at sucking. What should I do?'
'Well first of all, you need to buys some bananas. Get a bunch...at least a dozen. Once you get them, call me.'

So I did. I went to a supermarket, lucky for me bananas were on sale so I bought two dozens just in case. If I was going to learn, I wanted to learn well. So the lesson on the art of fellation started.

'S, peel the banana to expose the inner flesh...see, it looks just like a cock, doesn't it? The shape, the angle, even the various sizes replicate a cock to almost exact measures. Now, all you need to do is pretend that it's a cock. Take it in as deep as you can making sure NOT to use your teeth. If you do, you will see scrapes on the flesh of the banana. Once you've mastered it well, there should be no marks on the banana whatsoever.'

So I practiced over and over until I was able to "deep-throat" the banana withouth leaving any marks on the surface. Immediately I rang my bf so that he could meet me for a preview. He was so impressed with my performance that he literally demanded a blow job everytime we met, which was practically every day.

Most of the guys I met afterwards never failed to praise my sucking technique and just couldn't get enough. I was proud of myself and thanked my friend profusely and treated him to a dinner. Without my friend's help, I would've been your average gay person able to give average oral pleasure. However with his help and a dozen bananas, I was able to turn the blow job into a work of art.

I have almost no memories of my father during my childhood days. I lived in Japan until I was 5, but the only things I can recall are visions of snow, the taste of strawberry milk and butterflies. Since it snows at least once a year in Tokyo, I understand the snow part. Although it's not easy to find anymore, strawberry milk was sold everywhere in Japan in those days. However trying to explain butterflies, I won't even get into and don't bother asking me why. I just remember them...maybe I just loved them for a certain reason, I don't know. I also remember the tenderness of my grandmother and my mother. I also remember my sister as a bratty little thing.

My mother and father were divorced when I was 3 or 4. Until this day, I believe my mother did the right thing considering what kind of man my father was. He used to gamble away all the money we had including the money my mother earned...not only that, he used to keep another woman stashed away somewhere in their own private apartment which he was paying for with my mother's money. My mother did not have an easy life back then. I have no idea why my mother chose him as her husband. He was handsome for sure...but that sure isn't a reason to get married. When I was 5, my mother decided to make a jump over to Hawaii. I don't know why we chose Hawaii, but I think it had something to do with my relatives being there. Anyway, my mother says it was just too hard to make a living in Tokyo and besides, she really needed a fresh start.

My father did come to visit us in Hawaii a couple of times and each time he did, I remember getting my hopes up thinking that this time, he would stay with us. I still knew him as my dad and remember dreaming that we would someday have a "normal" family. Predictably, he would leave within a week or so. But why was he so kind to us...to my sister and I? He bought us toys and new clothes. He would take us places while he was in Hawaii. Later on, we found out that he had asked my mother for the money to buy us those things. My mother being so kind, she kept the truth from us. We had to find out sooner or later and when we did, we grew to hate our father...the liar and the world's greatest asshole.

My sister doesn't speak or talk about my father anymore. I can tell she is still hurt by the thought of him. My father has no idea. I haven't seen my dad in ages.I no longer hate my father as I used to...he is human after all and I do realize that without him, I wouldn't be here. So I thank him from the bottom of my heart...I thank him for the sperm he deposited into my sweet mother. I also thank him for the great genes he had. Whatever, I wouldn't be here without him so....thanks dad.

Will I ever see him again? Maybe. Do I want to hear his voice? Probably. Would I cry at his funeral? Definitely. Do I forgive him for what he did to my family? I really don't know the answer to that.

Yesterday I was in a bad mood because I went on the scale and noticed I gained a couple of kilos. It's all due to the fact that my friend has been visiting for the past 2 weeks and he loves going to all-you-can-eat buffets. It's terrible! So I'm taking my weight loss products again along with a low-carb diet starting this morning. Until I get back to my original weight, no more carbs...period!

I had a really weird dream last night. I dreamt that I was making out with one of my best friends. He stopped me before it got too serious and said we needed to talk. He told me that he loved me and wanted us to live with each other. I was surprised as I know he's never been involved in any sort of serious relationships in the past. The only problem was that I already had a boyfriend. Anyway, it was a weird dream but then dreams are always weird right?

It's raining today. I'm in a weird mood thinking about my life again. I'm not sure if I'm content with my life as is. I wonder if I have any regrets? What can I do about it? Well, you certainly can't undo your past. Must concentrate on my immediate future. Must focus on what I can do to improve quality of life. I feel tired.

I AM GAY

One typical weekday when I was 15, I cut class and spent the day at the local library. I loved books enjoyed spending the day there rather than at school. I guess you could say that I was sort of introverted. I hate admitting that. Anyway that was me back then and there's nothing I can do to change that fact. I went to use the restroom to take a dump(Sorry). While I was there taking my sweet time wiping my butt, I heard a noise go "plop" below me to my right. There was a piece of toilet paper attached to a pen. I picked it up without thinking. I nervously unfolded the sheet and started to read what was scribbled on it.

On it was this message
'Come on over to my stall and I'll suck you off'

My heart started to race and didn't know what to do so I decided to finish wiping my butt and get out of my stall. As I unlocked my stall door to get out, there he was standing there waiting for me. He gently took my hand to guide me back in my stall and for some reason, there seemed to be a force that was keeping me from running away. So I let him suck me. It was the best thing I've ever felt and he sucked me until I came! He swallowed my cum dry and I was shocked at what had happened and decided to block the incident out of my memory.

For almost 2 years, nothing else happened and I went back to my old boring life. When I was 17, I started working part time for a sushi shop in Honolulu. My manager was this guy who was about 6 years older with a really nice butt. He wasn't super handsome or anything but he was nice to me. He drove me home all the time and I liked being with him. To make a long story short, he seduced me and he became my first boyfriend. Naturally we had sex but what I didn't feel happy about was the fact that we weren't allowed to talk about our relationship. The sex was great. He taught me everything about giving head, ass fucking, the works! But he insisted that I keep my mouth shut about all things homo. I started thinking. Why did we have to keep it a secret unless it was something that we weren't supposed to do? Was this something to be ashamed of? Were the Christians right when they were saying that we were the devils and that we would go to hell for sinning? When I should've been happy, I was depressed about not being able to talk about it. I had to tell someone about what I was feeling.

I decided to tell a close friend of mine who worked with me. She was much older than I was and since she didn't know any of my straight friends, I decided that she was perfect.

'I have to tell you something and I don't know how to bring it up but I hope you don't hate me.'
'What is it S...just tell me...you can tell me anything.'
'Well, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sort of ....different.'
'Different? How so?'
'Umm...well...I different from other normal guys.'
'What? You have three penises? What tell me!'
'Uh...I'm not attracted to women. I'm attracted to men.'

I took a deep breath and waited for her response. I was ready for anything that came.

'S, why was it so difficult to tell me that? So what?'
'I didn't think you wanted to be my friend after I told you.'
'Why does it matter whether you're gay or straight? I like you because of you, not because you're straight or gay.'
'Oh'
'And besides, if a friend says they don't want to be friends with you anymore after telling them that you're gay...they're really not your friends, are they? You don't need bullshit friends like that S'

This conversation was life-changing for me. This became a turning point in my life. For the first time in my life, I felt something rising inside my soul. It was pride...pride of who I was...what I was.I started to feel proud of myself. Proud of being gay...