My friend Howard

My childhood was filled with gloom and confusion. A lot of confusion. I always felt out of place most likely because of the fact that I was gay and I thought something was wrong with me. I looked to help in many places. Religion, the occult, rebellion, and overeating. Oh, and thinking of suicide was getting very old indeed. I finally realized that I was gay and had to face up to the fact that no matter how many therapy sessions I went to, I was never going to start longing for a woman.

Then I met Howard.

Howard and I met through my first boyfriend's friend if I remember correctly.
Howard worked as an accountant and had been living with his lover for more than 2 years. In my eyes, they were the ideal gay couple and just looking at them made me fell all warm and good inside. He was a simple man. He was satisfied with his life and always seemed to be happy. I used to look forward to his weekly barbeques or one of his parties at his place. There were always many people there and I always had a lot of fun.

After the few years of "no worries" in Hawaii, I decided to move to Japan after a lot of thinking. I needed to get away to "find myself"...to get out of the familiar rut I was about to get swallowed into. I needed to go after my amtitions in life whatever they were at that time.

A year later, Howard was diagnosed with AIDS. By the time I found out and went to see him at the hospital in Hawaii, he looked nothing like the Howard I knew. He had lost a lot of weight and none of his muscles were there anymore. There was sorrow in his eyes...and fear. He constantly cried and as I went to hug him, he kept whispering my name into my ear. That was the last time I saw him.

After I flew back to Japan, I heard that his friends and partner took him to Disneyland in California. A large group of his friends took him in a wheelchair and they said he looked really happy.

Howard always treated people with kindness and respect. He loved his friends and his friends loved him back. He didn't have a lot of money and he didn't possess many things. What he did have were friends. Friends that truly loved him.