I had the most awesome vanilla sex last night!!!

Now, I'm not usually one to enjoy vanilla sex because it can be really boring. But last night, I actually enjoyed sex without anal penetration whatsoever. It was just your usual sucking, licking nipples kind of thing. I think a major factor must be that the guy was totally my type!!!

It's been a few hours after I posted. I believe I am depressed. I have no desire to eat anything other than potato chips and craving some wine. However it's still just past noon and way too early for a drink. I can't think of anything else right now other than they guy I just broke up with. My boyfriend called me at noon and I swear I had to fake the joy in my voice.

What does this all mean? Does it mean that I truly love the guy? What about my boyfriend? I really don't know. I emailed one of my close friends letting him know about the breakup and he says he'll come over to talk tomorrow night. I'm wondering if I'll be ok tonight. Maybe I should call up another friend to go drinking with him? I really need some company. I'm vegging out here on the sofa watching desperate housewives episode after episode. Don't feel like renting a video as I'm not in the mood for sappiness or anything with a happy ending. What am I going to do? Maybe if I just stay in bed all day today, I'll feel better tomorrow?

Last night I met with guy number 2. We hadn't met for over a month and it was time that we did. Before the meeting, I've been thinking about him all day. How I look forward to seeing him. How I already have a boyfriend. The fact that my life was a mess in the love department.

I felt nervous about meeting him for some reason because it's been over a month. When he arrived at our meeting place, he looked thinner than I had remembered. We walked over to a Japanese restaurant for dinner. We ordered as usual but the air was uncomfortable between us. It was obvious that we both had things on our minds. I needed a glass of wine so proceeded to order on for myself. He had some oolong tea.

We talked about normal things such as his work and my designing clothes for Second Life. In my mind however, I kept thinking about how nice it is to have dinner with him but at the same time, how meaningless it all was. There was no future for this couple and we both knew it. Finally dessert came.

"So, what do you think about our relationship?"
"Oh, yeah, I've been thinking about it for sure. It's true that these past months, I've been thinking a lot about us and how hard it's been."
"Yeah, I think we've been avoiding each other. I mean we hardly talk or even make time to meet"
He nods agreeingly. Then he asks,
"So what do you think about the relationship?"
I take a deep breath and start talking...
"Well, to tell you the truth, this relationship is not in a good place and it's going nowhere. "

He starts to look serious and the smile is gone from his face.

"I don't like where we are right now. It's not good for me or you I think. "
"I agree with you. I was always trying to find the right time to talk about it too. But the timing was never right. You would be busy, or I would be. You would be feeling bad or I would be sick, etc. It was never the right moment. I didn't want to make any hasty decisions that I'd regret later on. I was waiting for the right moment so that we could both talk it out and come to a solution."

Once I heard these words, I knew this was the time to be the adullt in this situation and made the decision for us. The right decision.

"OK, I'm going to be an adult about this and tell you what I've decided. Let's.......erm....um...let's..."
I find it's more difficult to get those words out of my mouth. My mind is swirling with thought on what words I should use. Let's be friends....or.....let's end it....or.....let's stop this? I can't say it. I look at him in the eyes and I know that he's depending on me to make the decision. I pray to God for help and to make me strong. I finally say something.
"Let's be friends. "

He nods.
I nod and continue.
"I think this is best for you and me. "
"Yeah, you're right. "
"What are you thinking? Tell me."
"The fact that it came to this means that we were destined to break up sooner or later."
"Yeah, I guess so."
"The thing is, I don't know how to be your friend."
"Yeah, I can understand that. Do you regret ever meeting me?"
He nods and says yes. A tear runs down my face.
"I regret feeling happy with you. I wish I hated you right now."

The conversation went on like this and eventually we ended up trying to change the subject and making small talk like all Japanese do. We parted ways. I should have felt relieved but I didn't. I felt sad and in my heart, I didn't want him to go. I still wanted to be his. I went on the train. The tears won't stop. I can't make them stop. I'm doing the right thing I know. But why do I feel so sad? Why is it hurting so much?

I didn't sleep too well so I got up early. I felt a little better until I started thinking about last night. I can't stop crying again. I keep looking at my email to see if there's a message from him. Nothing. I know it's over and it was my decision but I can't seem to move on.

I know this was the right decision.

Today was another cold day here in Tokyo. In fact, the forcast calls for some snow tomorrow night. Yes it's that cold. I just got back from dinner with guy number 2. We had some very nice robata and afterwards went to Starbucks for some tea. As we were having tea, I started to realize something. Actually it wasn't the first time but over time, I started to feel this way. I should have known it would turn out this way and I don't know why I it didn't dawn on me until today. It won't work no matter how I look at it. During tea, I told him that we need to talk about our relationship.

We went our separate ways and on the way home on the train, I emailed him telling him that I would like us to get together during the week to talk seriously. I got him and received an email that said that it was great fun today and that he loves me. There was no hint of the talk. I was a bit confused so I decided I needed to give him a call which I did. He answered the phone in a bright and cheery voice. It was kind of weird and it almost feels as if we were on different wave lengths....me on a serious wave and he on a cheerful one. Anyway he said that he got the email and that yes, we should talk on Tuesday. He said that he loves me and we will have a talk for sure. But he said all that without a drop of seriousness...just as always in his cheerful voice.

I'm planning to tell him that this isn't working and that I think the best thing to do is stop before it gets any worse. I wonder what he's going to say and how he's going to react? I don't know how long I can take this. It's driving me totally insane.

I really need to take a deep breath and go inside myself, like my yoga teacher says. Yes, I need to compose myself and get my thoughts in order. What a mess I got myself into.

The strange thing is this. I love him too. But it's the scary kind of love. It frightens me and I don't know why. What about my boyfriend you ask? I love him too....but in a different kind of way. I love him because we have trust and have invested a lot into the relationship. I can't explain it well. I love both of them and I never thought this would ever happen to me.

Howard

I was 17 years old...still struggling with my sexuality and contemplating suicide on a weekly basis. I was pretty messed up and confused. I started having sex with a guy and I wasn't happy. I didn't like the fact that we had to "hide" our desires and pretend to be straight. One day, I met a guy named Howard.

Howard helped me become the person I am today...to be proud of who I am and proud to be gay. It's funny because he was so different from me. I remember Howard as a really laid back guy with a smile on his face wherever he went. I often wondered why he was so happy with his life. I was young and just starting life. I was ready to take on the world and work hard towards my goal of becoming rich! He was the opposite of me. He always seemed happy with what he had, satisfied with the simple things in life and just...happy! Period. Something I had a hard time believing because he really didn't have a lot at least in my eyes.

Howard and I met through my first boyfriend's friend. Actually I don't know if that's correct but somehow they were connected being that the island of Oahu is such a tiny island. Well...whatever. Anyways, I was very fortunate to have met Howard and I will never forget him.

Howard was an accountant and had been living with his lover of more than 2 years. They were the perfect couple in my eyes. They had weekly BBQs and lots of parties at their condo. I still remember those days. Their get-togethers were always great! No pressure, wonderful people and I instantly felt welcome in the group.

One day, I made a quick decision to go and visit Japan. I didn't know what I would do there at that time. All I knew was that I had to leave or else I would just die of boredom. Selfish person that I am, I moved to Japan against my mother's will. My family and a handful of friends saw me off at the airport, including Howard. A year later, he was diagnosed with AIDS.

By the time I found out and went to see him at the hospital in Hawaii, he looked nothing like the Howard I knew. He had lost a lot of weight and none of his muscles were there anymore. There was only sorrow in his eyes...and fear. He constantly cried and as I went to hug him, he kept whispering my name into my ear. "Shinichi, Shinichi...Shinichi!", he sobbed. That's all he could manage to say. That was the last time I saw him.

Later, I heard from one of his best friends that a group of them took him to Disneyland in Los Angeles to watch the Fantasmic show. That was his last wish so a group of them took him in a wheelchair. They said that he looked really happy and was all smiles. I received a letter from his mother after his funeral thanking me for coming to see him. The letter said how Howard had nothing of value to leave behind...nothing of material worth. However, he had something much more valuable than money. He had friends that loved him. Something that was worth more than anything in the world which money could never buy.

Knowing Howard during his active years has taught me how to live. His death has taugh me what's important in life. He will always be in my heart and he will always be a true friend.

Howard, may he rest in peace.

1982: Gerrit

Gerrit was his name...a Chinese American that I met at my part-time job at a sushi place in Honolulu...the first job that I actually enjoyed. Well I can't really say I had that many jobs before this one. Let's see, I did work at the sports shop for a few months before moving on to an aloha wear shop and then a job in telemarketing, where I was fired on my first day!

Anyway, it's about the same time I started to work out. Yeah, I was fit and slim. You see, before this, I was fat and ugly! In fact I was 250 pounds at my biggest and one day I just decided I didn't want to lug all this weight around like extra baggage. So I decided to start exercising and eating healthier.

I finally found something I actually enjoyed doing...aerobic dance. I've always loved dance and music so it was perfect for me. Despite my mother's warnings, I decided to do something about my fat and start changing my lifestyle. So I lost the weight and looked and felt great.

Gerrit was the assistant manager where I worked at that time. I was barely 17 years old when I met him. I still had no idea of my sexuality or what homosexuality really meant. He used to drive me home from work as we seemed to always be working the same shifts. I guess it was convenient for him and I needed the ride. This became our routine and I started to enjoy his company very much.

One day after work, he decided to take me for a drive up the mountain. I've always loved the view from up there and you could actually see the building where I lived... seriously you could. We ended up talking about a lot of things I barely remember. One thing I remember talking about is kissing. He asked me if I had ever done it and I said no. He then asked me if I had ever kissed a man and I said no so quickly I hardly had time to breathe. In fact, after he asked me that question, I realized that my breathing had gotten quicker due to my heart beating so fast. I started to sweat and started to panic. At that moment, he grabbed my head and started to kiss me. I let him, and he started to insert his tongue inside my month. In fact, that was my first kiss ever and my mind went totally blank. What was I thinking...that I was planning to save my first kiss for a special occasion with a special man? After that night, we ended up going for a drive up the same mountain after work.

A week after intensive kissing sessions, he started to fondle me in places where I've never been touched before. This is also when he also gave me a blow job. I hardly tell people this, but this wasn't my first time getting one. The first time was when I was 15, but that's another story. Truth be told, it didn't feel that great. I don't know why.

A week later, he asked me to do the same to him...so I did..well attempted to blow him and I felt like I was going to throw up. I didn't really know what I was doing. Well more weeks passed and I actually started enjoying sucking cock!

A full month after my first kiss, I realized that we were going steady as he started to introduce me to his friends as his boyfriend. He told me that he would be extremely jealous if he ever caught me with another guy. He bought me a single carnation, which blew me away as no one had ever bought me flowers before. I fell in love with him and that was the start of my first relationship.

I had no idea what to expect or what to do...all I knew was that I enjoyed being with him. I loved the way he touched me, the way he gave me a hug every time I met him, and I really started to enjoy giving him head...in fact, I loved it. One day however, he mentioned to me how bad I was at giving head. I felt so bad that I wasn't giving him pleasure so I had a talk with my best friend Allan, who was a self-proclaimed professional at sucking cock. We purchased a bunch of bananas at Star Supermarket, and I practiced until I felt I was good enough to try it out on my boyfriend. In fact, I even bought a book on lovemaking...the Gay Guide to Sex. Gerrit was overjoyed and surprised at how good I became at sucking his cock.

I also discovered that there was a thing called anal intercourse. It was such a foreign idea...however it seemed way more intimate than just sucking each other off and wondered why my boyfriend never wanted to fuck me. So one day in the car, I asked him to fuck me. He hesitated and I realized why. I was only 17 years old and he was 24. He felt that he was raping a kid...so I decided to take the initiative and straddled him...yes I just sat on it. I guess it felt good to him because he then threw me on my back and started to fuck me with my legs up in the air. I felt like a prostitute...a slut...however I loved the feeling of intimacy that was not possible with oral sex. In fact, it wasn't as painful as I imagined it would be.

During our relationship, he took me to gay bars, where I met all sorts of people. He showed me the parks where people went to cruise which just shocked me. I did not understand how guys could have sex with people they hardly knew. In fact I was disgusted with the whole idea I really asking him how people could have sex without love! That's how young I was!

As time went by, we started spending more time with each other. I started alienating myself from my friends. I was still going to the gym to work out 4-5 times a week and that was the one thing I would never give up even for him. Gerrit told me one day that I had to give up working out for him if I loved him. Working out was one of the most important things in my life back then...it was the one thing that made me happy...in fact it was life-changing for me. It improved my health and I actually felt better about myself. I decided not to give it up just for him. The relationship began to crumble.

He started treating me like shit...he had a crush on another guy that I despised...we started having dinner with this third person...in fact I would have to order the cheapest thing on the menu so that the other guy could order anything he wanted. Why I stayed with him I have no idea why. I guess I had nothing better to do.

I came down with a case of hepatitus and had to stay home for 2 months. It's strange because he said he didn't have it. I also never had sex with anyone else but him. He never called or visited me during that time. My friend Allan, my sister and her boyfriend Mike kept me company the whole time. They came to see me every day. I love them for that.

After I got better, I realized he never had the guts to break up with me. It was so obvious he didn't even want to see me.I mean he stopped calling me period. Nothing. So I wrote him a letter telling him I no longer wanted to be with him. I gave him the option of staying friends. I never heard from him again and decided to quit my job for his sake. He was there longer than I was so it was only fair.

I cried for 3 months straight and ond day finally...decided to grow up.

Real-time post again...

Bells Palsy still remain.
Very uncomfortable and my face feels tight with a strange sound in my ear at all times.
My panic attacks are worse.
I'm getting scared to ride the train.
I am feeling more nerves in my face and it feels as though they are coming back alive.
I'm trying to stay positive and upbeat about alll of this shit.
I sometimes feel it's easier to just die in my sleep than to keep living.
I know that's just idiotic nonsence and I'm just venting.
I feel lost.
I hope I get tickets to go to LA this year.
I need to clean my apartment.
I need to stop watching so many DVDs.
I have a new and expensive bag, but have nowhere to go because of my Bells Palsy-affected face.
In spite of all this, I am happy.

My father

For some strange and unknown reason, I have almost no memory of my father while I was living in Japan. I lived in Japan until I was five years old. The memories I have are of snow, strawberry milk(delicious!), butterflies(don't ask me why), my mother and grandmother. However I cannot recall my father being anywhere in my life during those early days.

My mother and father had gotten divorced when I was 3 or 4. Until this day, I believe my mother did the right thing considering what kind of man my father was. He used to gamble away all the money we had including the money my mother earned...not only that, he used to keep another woman stashed away somewhere in their own private apartment which he was paying for with my mother's money. My mother did not have an easy life back then. I have no idea why my mother chose him as her husband. He was handsome for sure...but that's not a good enough reason to get married to someone right?

We had to leave for Hawaii...to find a new life...to start a new life...I guess my mother just couldn't make it in Tokyo. My mother tells me that my grandmother who lived in Hawaii at that time invited us over. My grandmother had an ulterior motive, but that's for another day.

My father did come to visit us in Hawaii a couple of times and each time he did, I remember getting my hopes up thinking that this time, he would stay with us. I would imagine we would get to do some "family" stuff and I always looked forward to his visits. I still considered him my father and remember dreaming that we would have a "normal" family one day. However, sure enough, he would leave within a week or so. But why was he so kind to us...to my sister and I? He would always buy us toys and new clothes. He took us places while he was there. Later though, we found out that he had always asked my mother for the money to buy us things. My mother being the kind person she is, kept the truth from us until we were older. I guess she didn't want to hurt our feelings. We had to find out sooner or later and when we did, we grew to hate our father...the liar, the bastard, the asshole.

My sister never used to talk about my father. In fact she used to tell me that she wouldn't cry if he died. I can tell that she's hurting and has a lot of issues concerning our dad. I don't blame her. It doesn't affect me too much anymore...I mean it's kind of late in life to be concerned about it, isn't it? In fact, I hardly ever talk to him these days. Can't really remember the last time I saw him.

I have made my peace with my dad. I do forgive him for the past, even though he would never ever apologize to us about it. I realize that he's only human and he's not perfect. In fact, without him, I wouldn't be here. So I thank him for donating his sperm and I'm not kidding.

Dad, wherever you are, thank you for whatever little thing you have done for us. For being kind and giving us love the way you only know how when we were together.

I really do forgive you...and I do love you in my own unique way...because you are and always will be...my father.

1984-1985: The Ed Years

So I met this caucasion guy one night at a bar in Honolulu. His name was Ed. He was cute to me at that time. He had green eyes and hazel colored hair. He was also an excuse to break up with Wes, a guy I was going out with at that time. We decided to have an open relationship and that was fine with me. That was perfectly fine with me!After Wes, I didn't really trust anyone and didn't want to expect anything resembling monagamy.

We expected nothing of each other and asked no questions. I started going to cosmetology school since I was interested in make up and there was no specific make up courses in Hawaii. I continued teaching aerobics at a local fitness center as I went to school during the day. I remember having to take guarana pills to keep me awake during school. However I was young and had energy to spare so my days were spent going to school, teaching aerobics, working at another place and staying out all night!

Ed was originally from Philadelphia and was working as a waiter for Pizza Hut. He used to take me out to dinner, mostly for pizza not surprisingly. Anyway, it was fine with me. I expected nothing more from him. Like I said, I ate a lot of pizza and I even started loving the pizzas from there.

I used to go over to his apartment 3 times a week. He often left in the middle of the night to mail out some letters. At least that's what he told me. He always came back a couple of hours later while I was asleep. For some reason, I never questioned him. I never expected much from him anyway and I decided to just trust him.


One night he told me to wait at his place and that he'd be home around 8pm. So I went there waiting for him watching TV and munching on air-popped popcorn. 11pm came and went. Since he told me that he would be out having dinner with his usual friends, I figured they went out to the bars. Since the bar was just down the block, I decided to go and look for him.

As soon as I entered the bar, I spotted his group of friends in a corner so I figured he must be around. I walked up to them and as soon as they looked at me, their faces went white. Seriously, it looked as if they saw a ghost or some other horrific being. I asked them if they knew where Ed was and they just looked at each other nervously. They said they had no idea so I left.

I felt a bit confused and while I was wandering around the bar sort of in a daze, a mutual friend of ours spotted me and came over.

Long story short, he told me that he needed to tell me something. I found out he was sleeping with my friend's lover! I mean my friend who's standing in front of me. His boyfriend and my boyfriend were fucking while we were there talking about it. This was so wrong and I decided that was enough to end what little we had. I didn't even bother to cry as he was not worth more than trash. I really lost all feelings for him on the spot. It was funny really.

During the following days, he followed me around like an idiot...coming to visit me at school and my home. My mother was totally irritated with him and I told him to fuck off 2-3 times a day. He somehow managed to persuade me to give him another chance under the condition that he would obey my every command. This went on for about a month and he really did almost everything I did. So we eventually got back together.

Towards the end of the relationship, I had a call from Pineapple City, a fitness club I worked for once, in Japan to teach aerobics again. I took the job and Ed was furious with me. I couldn't care less and I left anyway. I was faithful for a whole three months while I was in Japan mostly due to the fact that I had become a potato queen and the only caucasions I met there were fat, old or stupid. Three months past and I was asked to stay in Japan for a whole year. It didn't take me long to decide to take the offer I decided to end the relationship I had with Ed. It wasn't working and I was tired of his bullshit. I started going out with a Japanese guy in Osaka. He was cute and we had sex 3-4 times a day. He was perfect for me. We both loved Madonna and although everybody wanted his body, he was never unfaithful. He was perfect for me.

The time in Osaka was one of the best times of my life. I had more sex than i've ever had in my life, and had more fun than I ever had in my entire life!

Ed became history...

Coming Out

One weekday when I was 15, I cut class and spent the day at the local library. I loved books even back then and enjoyed spending the day there rather than at school. I guess you could say that I was sort of introverted. I hate admitting that. Anyway that was me back then and there's nothing I can do to change that fact. I went to use the restroom to take a dump(Sorry). While I was there taking my sweet time wiping my butt, I heard a noise go "plop" below me to my right. There was a piece of toilet paper attached to a pen. I picked it up without thinking. I nervously unfolded the sheet and started to read what was scribbled. I realized he wanted to suck me!!!

I decided to finish wiping my butt and get out of my stall. As I unlocked my stall door to get out, there he was standing there waiting for me. My heart was beating so hard by this time I thought I would just faint. He gently took my hand to guide me back in my stall and for some reason, there seemed to be a force that was keeping me from running away. I was scared and excited at this new adventure. So I let him give me a blot job...and that was the first time I ever "came"! I was shocked at what had happened and decided to block the incident out of my memory.

For almost 2 years, nothing else happened and I went back to my old boring life. When I was 17, I started working part time for a sushi shop in Honolulu. My manager was this guy who was about 6 years older with a really nice butt. He wasn't super handsome or anything but he was nice to me. He drove me home all the time and I liked being with him. To make a long story short, he seduced me and he became my first boyfriend. Naturally we had sex but what I didn't feel happy about was the fact that we weren't allowed to talk about our relationship. I became depressed. I had to tell someone...just one. I decided to tell a close friend of mine who worked with me. She was much older than I was and since she didn't know any of my straight friends, I decided to that she was perfect. I would never forget this day for the rest of my life. It took me more than 2 hours to tell her. She wasn't even shocked. I was shocked that she wasn't shocked! In fact she was angry at me for not being able to trust her. She told me that if my friends decide not to be my friend just because I was gay, they weren't my real friends to begin with. Simple as that!

Her words changed my entire life!

1980-1982 Memories

I dropped out of school when I was 16...I refused to go back to school and had to go to counselors, teachers and psychologists to see what was going on in my head. I tricked all of them into thinking I was good and my mother was bad...that she was the cause of all this misery in me. I often succeeded as my mother always left upset and angry at me for tricking whoever was supposed to be treating me into believing everything was her fault. That gave me pleasure...in fact during those days, I found very little pleasure in seeing people happy.

I started working for a sushi shop after trying many different part-time jobs...sports shop, aloha wear shop, restaurant...I decided to stay with the sushi place for at least a year and to be honest, it had been a long time since I actually enjoyed something. However, I realized this would not be my lifetime career and figured out that I needed a high school diploma to do the things I wanted to do. So I got my GED with great scores, and started cosmetology school. This was also the first time I had my first sexual experience with a man...the assistant manager at the sushi shop! We were together for a year, he was closeted and I realized I hated being in the closet...I needed to free myself and decided to tell the world what I am! i finally knew what I was and was proud of it! A good friend of mine taught me that, and my grandmother taught me to believe in myself...for the first time in my life, I looked into my own heart and found what was right for me...not for what others thought of me. For the first time in my life, I was happy to be me!!!

I lost about 90 pounds of fat! I started working out despite my mother's warnings. I wanted to change everything I didn't like about myself. I bought myself flowers. I got the courage to become an aerobics instructor...in fact, I did that just to prove to myself that I could do something. I broke up with that asshole of a boyfriend...and started to take control of my life!

1971-1975 Memories

My mother and I arrived in Honolulu, Hawaii sometime around 1971 I was told. We left my sister behind as we couldn't afford the plane ticket for her. My father's younger brother Uncle Nobu supposedly gave my mother enough money for two one-way tickets for my mother and me. So we left Japan without my sister.

I started going to school and remember my first day. The teacher saying something to me but no matter how hard she tried, I didn't understand a word she was saying to me. I had no idea why she was upset.

The first person who befriended me was a girl in my class, Elise Nakama. She was a very strange girl as she was always insisting that I speak Japanese and as a reward she would do the splits for me. Whe made my first weeks in school extremely confusing.

I went to a private school until the 5th grade. I fairly enjoyed those days as most of the kids were well mannered except for a few like David Nakahara. I still see him sometimes and he is still a very troubled person.

I was never to participate in sports as I had a very weak heart. That's what my mother tells me. I also remember I started to get gray hair when I was only in the 3rd grade. It was due to the medication I had to take for years since birth. I was expected to live until I was about 7 years old as long as I kept taking the medication. Finally my body would not take any more medication and for some reason, I started throwing up everytime I tried to take them, My grandmother got fed up with the doctors and she started throwing the medication away as they were doing me no good. My grandmother and mother prayed real hard for me and guess what?...I lived! I loved art and music classes like any typical gay person. What I hated with a passion is science and geography. I swear, those classes were so boring none of the information would get through to my brain cells no matter what! I hate to admit it, but I hated Physical Ed as I was not allowed to participate and felt left out.

My grandmother and her husband Norisan flew over to Hawaii with us as my grandmother was worried about me. I think they stayed for about 2 years. My mother got remarried to this devil-like man. I think she married just to get our green cards. Anyway, he would abuse her day and night almost every other day. I hated the fact that I couldn't do anything except cry. I still see him pushing the bed against the wall with my mother caught in-between the bed and the wall! I thought one day he would kill her. Once I cried with all the strenght I had and he stopped! But then he grabbed me by the neck and started banging my head against the wall. After that I don't remember what happened. They finally got a divorce after 2-3 years and that was that. My mother used to hit me for no reason...if she had one, I didn't know about it. Well, she hit me a lot and I thought I ws being a pretty good kid. I came to fear her and decided to just not say anything anymore. I stilll loved here though...

Before I forget, my dad had divorced my mother back in Japan. He was always spending my mother's money on gambling and other women. I don't regret not having a father. It was better not to have lived with a man like that. I hated him then...I don't hate him anymore though...I feel sorry for him. He is trying to be fatherlike to me these days especially since I live in Tokyo now. It is too late for me. It is too late for my sister. It is to late to change the damage that has been done. I forgive you anyhow.

My sister arrived a few years later and she was like a stranger to me. My sister was always a loving person even back then so she immediately stuck to me like I had always been her big brother. It wasn't that easy for me. In fact, I tried to stay away from her and till this day, I don't know why I treated her this way. I hate thinking about it and though I never tell my sister this, my eyes tear up thinking about those days. I wish that I could take back all the things I did to her...wish I had been a better brother...maybe she wouldn't have taken all those drugs...maybe she would have had a better youth if it wasn't for me. I hate myself for that.

For some reason I don't remember that I had any friends, maybe I didn't have any. It sure seemed that way.

So, I had a pretty shitty childhood, I gained a lot of weight from overeating and watching Sesame Street, I never opened up to anyone and started to depend on myself. I hate to say this and I am not proud of it, but I hated those days.

1966-1971 Memories

I often find myself looking back at my past looking for answers to the problems I face as an adult. It's funny when you think about it. I couldn't wait to "grow up" so that I could be independent abd strong. I imagined a world of love and endless laughter waited for me somewhere out there. Come to think of it, I don't have many fond memories of my childhood...but maybe if I try real hard...go digging into my mind's past, I may find something.

Ahhh...memories of my life in Japan until I was around 5...what do I see?...

I remember snow...lots of snow....looking out a window I see falling snow. It's beautiful and cold...almost good enough to eat. So I get a small ceramic bowl from the kitchen and hold it out the window...slowly the bowl fills up with the white flakes. They are so light, almost weightless. I see myself just watching the snow falling and falling over and over again. It takes me away from something...I don't know what but it's an escape for me.

Ohhhh...I realize my bowl is filled to its capacity so I decide that's enough. I tear open a small individual packet of granulated sugar and sprinkle it on top of my nature-made snow cone. It's delicious...little did I know it was filled with pollutants.

I used to play with a girl much older than me. She was kind and pretty so I enjoyed being with her. One day she took me out to the field right in front of my apartment to show me how to catch butterflies. There were yellow butterflies fluttering all over the place in between the tall grass and weed. I lunged forward towards a butterfly that was quietly relaxing on a blade of weed. I had crushed the butterfly by mistake. I never tried to catch butterflies again.

I used to cry a lot if my memory serves me well. Later on I found out from my grandmother that my mother used to leave to work while I was sleeping with no one else around. I was afraid that my mother would abandon me like my father did. I couldn't help but cry. My mother hated that.

A car running over my toes crushin my toenails. I don't think my mother took me to the hospital. It healed amazingly.

I was always sick and taking medication. I remember laying in a hospital bed. It was very quiet and was too frightened to cry. I lay there silent.

My younger sister was a nuisance to me. She was noisy and messy. I didn't understand.
I loved my grandmother and her husband Norisan. I used to often run away to their place without permissions from my mother. Gosh I was a bad boy.

My grandmother was always nice and tender. I understood her soul and she understood mine. She taught me a lot about life at that age. I still remember her telling me how special I was. She taught me to trust and believe in myself. Norisan used to take me to the amusement park almost every weekend and that was fun I remember. I remember myself being really terrified on a tiny roller coaster as I could not see in front of me. For some strange reason, I kept going on the damn thing.

I used to be scared of something all the time. I felt lonely and sad. I can't remember why. Even writing about it makes me cry.