A very strange dream...

I was sleepy and I wanted to get into my bed. Now why is my mother in my bed? I don't know the exact reason why but I slid myself into the empty spot next to my mother. As soon as I lay on the bed, my mother's hand moved toward me embracing me into her arm. I immediately jumped out of bed and thought maybe she was imagining that I was one of her lovers or something. I felt uncomfortable and needed to get out of there. I ran into the living room, where my boyfriend was. We ended up having a huge argument over something I can't remember, but I blurted out the words, 'I want to break up!' After I said those words, I knew it was too late to take them back so I was about to leave when I realized that I had no money, not a single yen. I debated whether I should just take the money from my mother's bad or my boyfriend's wallet. I decided to just leave without taking any money telling myself I could earn some by selling my body or something. So I took the elevator and pushed the button that would take me to the ground floor. However something strange happened. When the elevator opened, I was in a totally different place altogether. When the doors opened, I found a long hallway bathed in an eerie blue light in front of me. I started to walk into the hall not knowing where exactly I was going. There were doors on either side of the hallway and decided to enter one of them.

As I found myself entering the room, the entire scene changed into sudden brightness. There were these mafia-looking guys in the room drinking and talking to each other. There were also a few ladies in slinky dresses that made them look sexy. They took one look at me and gave me a sinister looking smile. As they smiled, I noticed that they had huge fangs and I started to panic! There was only one escape which was the balcony. However instead of being on the ground floor, I'm on the 30th floor, way up high somewhere in a building. I didn't care anymore and made a jump for it as I started falling from the balcony. Instead of crashing into the pavement below, I found myself once again in an enclosed room, this time in a darkened Japanese tatami room. Strange I thought to myself...why the fuck am I here now?

As I explore the room, I notice a faint sound coming from above. I notice a trap door above my head so I somehow get myself through that small door and find myself in a sort of attic. There I find my boyfriend and a few other guys tied up with their mouths gagged. I pull off the gagging device off my boyfriend's mouth and let him speak.

'Please inject me with that serum and let me live. I crossed over to the other side. I don't care if I become one of them, just let me live. '

I pushed the needle into his arm knowing that was the last time I'd be seeing him. As soon as I had done that, I ran as fast as I can without saying goodbye. There was no sense anymore...he wasn't himself anymore and I just had to face the fact that I had to go on.

Once again, out of the Japanese room, things became bright again and found myself in a hospital bound to a bed in a straight jacket. I heard sounds from afar and knew that they were coming for me. I had to get out as fast as I can. I somehow struggled out of the straight jacket and crashed through the windows in front of me. I kept running because I knew if I stopped, I would die. I looked back and saw my mother and boyfriend...even my sister in the group. I wanted to turn back, yet I knew if I did, I would die. There was just one more door I had to get through. I found the door just ahead of me. It was a door right in the middle of the sky. I found myself going towards that door. How was I getting there, I had no idea. I started to cry because I knew I would never be able to go back, but this is what I had to do if I was to survive. I forced back my tears and gave it my all...a burst of energy went through me as I crashed headfirst into that door in the sky. The world shattered all around me and then, I was alone...no one after me...just clean and pure air around me...and absolute silence. I'm floating in a clear sky...just floating...with no emotions whatsoever. I'm not crying anymore...I can't seem to.

I see a city below me. A brand new city with new adventures waiting for me. I knew that was where my future was waiting for me. I had nowhere else to go but there...into my future where my new adventure awaits me.....................

Mixed feeling...strong emotions

I just finished talking to the guy I really like. He's been gone for a couple of days now and we have been chatting daily ever since. It's really nice and it's become the highlight of my days. However these past two days have been filled with mixed feelings and strong emotions.

The day after he left, I was left feeling happy and elated, but at the same time sad and lonely. I mean did you ever feel like you just didn't feel like doing anything at all? Like you just wanted to stay under the blanket in your bed all day shielding yourself away from the rest of the world? That's what I felt like today.

Today I was struggling with a bad cold so I wasn't feeling too good to start with. Feeling bad physically just added to my confused mental state that I went through feelings of depression, sadness and hopelessness throughout the day. Maybe it was because it was Thanksgiving Day without a proper Thanksgiving Day dinner. Perhaps it was because I only had 1000yen in my wallet all day today and realized I won't have much money until my next paycheck. I wasn't in the mood to work as I was just not in the right state of mind...I wouldn't have been productive anyway. I suppose it was just a combination of things that culminated in these feelings.

So I find myself lying here on my sofa trying to sort out my feelings so I can try to understand myself better. I recently found out that I was indeed capable of strong feelings and emotions. I also learned to my dismay, that I was still as vulnerable as when I was in my 20s, which really bothers me because I always thought that I had grown out of that "phase"...that I was more mature now. I realized that I had built a shell around myself and I hardly ever show my true self to anyone around me. Finding out that I still had this vulnerability came as a shock to me and I'm still trying to get over it. In my relationships and in my work, I always stay strong and support those around me. I believe in making things happen for myself. I tend to take charge of the situations around me and remain positive as much as I can. Today I just wanted someone else to take charge for a change...wanted to depend on someone and have someone else be strong for me. Perhaps this is how everyone is...I don't know. But I did find out one thing...that I still want to be taken care of...that I need a shoulder to lean on. There's a part of me that wants someone to take my hand and take me away.

But life is not that easy is it? Nope. I don't think so. Do I wish work was easier and that my life didn't feel as if I'm always running after something, hoping I don't drown of get left behind? Yeah, you bet I do. Do I curse God and blame others for my life not being perfect? Nah, I don't think so. I have a roof over my head, I have my health(despite occasional panic attacks) and everyday is an opportunity to make my life better than it was yesterday. Do I know what the point of this blog entry was? Not at all!!!

I've been lazy with my blogs these days. I should really rephrase that and say I've been busy with other things lately. Oh, I have to take a call now....

four hours later...

I'm talking to this guy I met from Malaysia. It's funny but I think I really like him a lot!