Mixed feeling...strong emotions

I just finished talking to the guy I really like. He's been gone for a couple of days now and we have been chatting daily ever since. It's really nice and it's become the highlight of my days. However these past two days have been filled with mixed feelings and strong emotions.

The day after he left, I was left feeling happy and elated, but at the same time sad and lonely. I mean did you ever feel like you just didn't feel like doing anything at all? Like you just wanted to stay under the blanket in your bed all day shielding yourself away from the rest of the world? That's what I felt like today.

Today I was struggling with a bad cold so I wasn't feeling too good to start with. Feeling bad physically just added to my confused mental state that I went through feelings of depression, sadness and hopelessness throughout the day. Maybe it was because it was Thanksgiving Day without a proper Thanksgiving Day dinner. Perhaps it was because I only had 1000yen in my wallet all day today and realized I won't have much money until my next paycheck. I wasn't in the mood to work as I was just not in the right state of mind...I wouldn't have been productive anyway. I suppose it was just a combination of things that culminated in these feelings.

So I find myself lying here on my sofa trying to sort out my feelings so I can try to understand myself better. I recently found out that I was indeed capable of strong feelings and emotions. I also learned to my dismay, that I was still as vulnerable as when I was in my 20s, which really bothers me because I always thought that I had grown out of that "phase"...that I was more mature now. I realized that I had built a shell around myself and I hardly ever show my true self to anyone around me. Finding out that I still had this vulnerability came as a shock to me and I'm still trying to get over it. In my relationships and in my work, I always stay strong and support those around me. I believe in making things happen for myself. I tend to take charge of the situations around me and remain positive as much as I can. Today I just wanted someone else to take charge for a change...wanted to depend on someone and have someone else be strong for me. Perhaps this is how everyone is...I don't know. But I did find out one thing...that I still want to be taken care of...that I need a shoulder to lean on. There's a part of me that wants someone to take my hand and take me away.

But life is not that easy is it? Nope. I don't think so. Do I wish work was easier and that my life didn't feel as if I'm always running after something, hoping I don't drown of get left behind? Yeah, you bet I do. Do I curse God and blame others for my life not being perfect? Nah, I don't think so. I have a roof over my head, I have my health(despite occasional panic attacks) and everyday is an opportunity to make my life better than it was yesterday. Do I know what the point of this blog entry was? Not at all!!!