Last night I met with guy number 2. We hadn't met for over a month and it was time that we did. Before the meeting, I've been thinking about him all day. How I look forward to seeing him. How I already have a boyfriend. The fact that my life was a mess in the love department.
I felt nervous about meeting him for some reason because it's been over a month. When he arrived at our meeting place, he looked thinner than I had remembered. We walked over to a Japanese restaurant for dinner. We ordered as usual but the air was uncomfortable between us. It was obvious that we both had things on our minds. I needed a glass of wine so proceeded to order on for myself. He had some oolong tea.
We talked about normal things such as his work and my designing clothes for Second Life. In my mind however, I kept thinking about how nice it is to have dinner with him but at the same time, how meaningless it all was. There was no future for this couple and we both knew it. Finally dessert came.
"So, what do you think about our relationship?"
"Oh, yeah, I've been thinking about it for sure. It's true that these past months, I've been thinking a lot about us and how hard it's been."
"Yeah, I think we've been avoiding each other. I mean we hardly talk or even make time to meet"
He nods agreeingly. Then he asks,
"So what do you think about the relationship?"
I take a deep breath and start talking...
"Well, to tell you the truth, this relationship is not in a good place and it's going nowhere. "
He starts to look serious and the smile is gone from his face.
"I don't like where we are right now. It's not good for me or you I think. "
"I agree with you. I was always trying to find the right time to talk about it too. But the timing was never right. You would be busy, or I would be. You would be feeling bad or I would be sick, etc. It was never the right moment. I didn't want to make any hasty decisions that I'd regret later on. I was waiting for the right moment so that we could both talk it out and come to a solution."
Once I heard these words, I knew this was the time to be the adullt in this situation and made the decision for us. The right decision.
"OK, I'm going to be an adult about this and tell you what I've decided. Let's.......erm....um...let's..."
I find it's more difficult to get those words out of my mouth. My mind is swirling with thought on what words I should use. Let's be friends....or.....let's end it....or.....let's stop this? I can't say it. I look at him in the eyes and I know that he's depending on me to make the decision. I pray to God for help and to make me strong. I finally say something.
"Let's be friends. "
He nods.
I nod and continue.
"I think this is best for you and me. "
"Yeah, you're right. "
"What are you thinking? Tell me."
"The fact that it came to this means that we were destined to break up sooner or later."
"Yeah, I guess so."
"The thing is, I don't know how to be your friend."
"Yeah, I can understand that. Do you regret ever meeting me?"
He nods and says yes. A tear runs down my face.
"I regret feeling happy with you. I wish I hated you right now."
The conversation went on like this and eventually we ended up trying to change the subject and making small talk like all Japanese do. We parted ways. I should have felt relieved but I didn't. I felt sad and in my heart, I didn't want him to go. I still wanted to be his. I went on the train. The tears won't stop. I can't make them stop. I'm doing the right thing I know. But why do I feel so sad? Why is it hurting so much?
I didn't sleep too well so I got up early. I felt a little better until I started thinking about last night. I can't stop crying again. I keep looking at my email to see if there's a message from him. Nothing. I know it's over and it was my decision but I can't seem to move on.
I know this was the right decision.
