Season's Greetings...

Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la, la la la la!!! Right? As far as I'm concerned, my answer is NO with capital letters!!! Let me tell you why!. First off, I really don't know why, but I'm no in a happy state of mind at the moment. Today started out okay.

My partner and I woke up very early so we could spend the day together. We went to a romantic place and we had a very nice lunch as well as dinner. It was all great and dandy. And at one point, while I was looking at a spectacular Christmas tree, I felt total satisfaction and thought that if I died that instant, I would be happy and content with what my life was all about. But the problem was this. I didn't feel all warm and fuzzy like you're supposed to get when you're with somebody you're in love with. No, nothing like that. There are too many reasons to list and they may or may not be important...hey maybe nothing's important and then again, maybe everything's important. Who knows because heck, I sure as hell don't!!!

Yeah, I know I'm in a shitty mood today when I have no particular reason to be. It's not as if my partner acted out of character....I mean he's always been this way and I've been happy with it. Maybe it's the fact that there were so many couples that looked so in love with each other all around us. Perhaps it's because my boyfriend doesn't seem to notice me. Or the fact that my boyfriend is so realistic and logical that he said that if someone paid me a lot of money, he'd let me spend the night with that guy. Just make sure to give him part of the money. I probably would choose that option anyway, even without him telling me. But hey, that's not the point is it? I'm working hard towards the point where I wouldn't have to worry about money anymore and I wouldn't be tempted to sell my body right?

Maybe it's because he made such a fuss about buying the Christmas cake this year? Or the fact that he's not joining me at our friend's Xmas party this year. Or maybe it's because he doesn't seem to care if I go to Hawaii for 3 weeks. Yes, I told him that and he said "sure"!!! Yep, "sure" was the word he used and then he went to sleep like a baby. I am so tempted to take a 3 month vacation and stay there in Hawaii for that long. Seriously, that was just icing on the cake.

I know that he cares for me...I am sure about that....well, come to think of it, I'm not sure because I've been wrong in the past with my ex-boyfriends. All I know is that I feel lonely and not too happy. It's December and it's the holiday season and we are supposed to feel jolly. I don't feel jolly at all. And the frustrating thing is the fact that I can't talk to him about it! I don't want to fight or argue. I want peace, harmony, and maybe just a little bit more caring. Am I being selfish for asking for just a bit more? Am I just being stupid or should I just admit to myself that I would never be satisfied? I really don't know. In fact, I don't even feel like I want to be in the same bed with him tonight. But I know I will and I know I'll just let it go. I really don't know. It's the weekend. What do I have planned? I basically work. But then after work, I have to decide what to do. Do I stay with my boyfriend because I feel obligated? Should I stay with him and expect that we'd probably do something fun? Or should I call up some of my friends and ask them out so we can get wasted and get crazy and stuff?

Do I really know what's bugging me? Probably. Should I act on my impulses? Most likely not. Is anyone forcing me to stay with my partner? Definitely not! Do I even know what I'm talking about? I don't have the slightest fucking idea! Fuck, fuck and double fuck!!!