My Secret Garden

2009-06-16T20:04:00.000-07:00

I had the most awesome vanilla sex last night!!!

Now, I'm not usually one to enjoy vanilla sex because it can be really boring. But last night, I actually enjoyed sex without anal penetration whatsoever. It was just your usual sucking, licking nipples kind of thing. I think a major factor must be that the guy was totally my type!!!

2008-03-11T20:56:00.001-07:00

It's been a few hours after I posted. I believe I am depressed. I have no desire to eat anything other than potato chips and craving some wine. However it's still just past noon and way too early for a drink. I can't think of anything else right now other than they guy I just broke up with. My boyfriend called me at noon and I swear I had to fake the joy in my voice.

What does this all mean? Does it mean that I truly love the guy? What about my boyfriend? I really don't know. I emailed one of my close friends letting him know about the breakup and he says he'll come over to talk tomorrow night. I'm wondering if I'll be ok tonight. Maybe I should call up another friend to go drinking with him? I really need some company. I'm vegging out here on the sofa watching desperate housewives episode after episode. Don't feel like renting a video as I'm not in the mood for sappiness or anything with a happy ending. What am I going to do? Maybe if I just stay in bed all day today, I'll feel better tomorrow?

2008-03-11T17:36:00.000-07:00

Last night I met with guy number 2. We hadn't met for over a month and it was time that we did. Before the meeting, I've been thinking about him all day. How I look forward to seeing him. How I already have a boyfriend. The fact that my life was a mess in the love department.

I felt nervous about meeting him for some reason because it's been over a month. When he arrived at our meeting place, he looked thinner than I had remembered. We walked over to a Japanese restaurant for dinner. We ordered as usual but the air was uncomfortable between us. It was obvious that we both had things on our minds. I needed a glass of wine so proceeded to order on for myself. He had some oolong tea.

We talked about normal things such as his work and my designing clothes for Second Life. In my mind however, I kept thinking about how nice it is to have dinner with him but at the same time, how meaningless it all was. There was no future for this couple and we both knew it. Finally dessert came.

"So, what do you think about our relationship?"
"Oh, yeah, I've been thinking about it for sure. It's true that these past months, I've been thinking a lot about us and how hard it's been."
"Yeah, I think we've been avoiding each other. I mean we hardly talk or even make time to meet"
He nods agreeingly. Then he asks,
"So what do you think about the relationship?"
I take a deep breath and start talking...
"Well, to tell you the truth, this relationship is not in a good place and it's going nowhere. "

He starts to look serious and the smile is gone from his face.

"I don't like where we are right now. It's not good for me or you I think. "
"I agree with you. I was always trying to find the right time to talk about it too. But the timing was never right. You would be busy, or I would be. You would be feeling bad or I would be sick, etc. It was never the right moment. I didn't want to make any hasty decisions that I'd regret later on. I was waiting for the right moment so that we could both talk it out and come to a solution."

Once I heard these words, I knew this was the time to be the adullt in this situation and made the decision for us. The right decision.

"OK, I'm going to be an adult about this and tell you what I've decided. Let's.......erm....um...let's..."
I find it's more difficult to get those words out of my mouth. My mind is swirling with thought on what words I should use. Let's be friends....or.....let's end it....or.....let's stop this? I can't say it. I look at him in the eyes and I know that he's depending on me to make the decision. I pray to God for help and to make me strong. I finally say something.
"Let's be friends. "

He nods.
I nod and continue.
"I think this is best for you and me. "
"Yeah, you're right. "
"What are you thinking? Tell me."
"The fact that it came to this means that we were destined to break up sooner or later."
"Yeah, I guess so."
"The thing is, I don't know how to be your friend."
"Yeah, I can understand that. Do you regret ever meeting me?"
He nods and says yes. A tear runs down my face.
"I regret feeling happy with you. I wish I hated you right now."

The conversation went on like this and eventually we ended up trying to change the subject and making small talk like all Japanese do. We parted ways. I should have felt relieved but I didn't. I felt sad and in my heart, I didn't want him to go. I still wanted to be his. I went on the train. The tears won't stop. I can't make them stop. I'm doing the right thing I know. But why do I feel so sad? Why is it hurting so much?

I didn't sleep too well so I got up early. I felt a little better until I started thinking about last night. I can't stop crying again. I keep looking at my email to see if there's a message from him. Nothing. I know it's over and it was my decision but I can't seem to move on.

I know this was the right decision.

2008-01-19T06:13:00.000-08:00

Today was another cold day here in Tokyo. In fact, the forcast calls for some snow tomorrow night. Yes it's that cold. I just got back from dinner with guy number 2. We had some very nice robata and afterwards went to Starbucks for some tea. As we were having tea, I started to realize something. Actually it wasn't the first time but over time, I started to feel this way. I should have known it would turn out this way and I don't know why I it didn't dawn on me until today. It won't work no matter how I look at it. During tea, I told him that we need to talk about our relationship.

We went our separate ways and on the way home on the train, I emailed him telling him that I would like us to get together during the week to talk seriously. I got him and received an email that said that it was great fun today and that he loves me. There was no hint of the talk. I was a bit confused so I decided I needed to give him a call which I did. He answered the phone in a bright and cheery voice. It was kind of weird and it almost feels as if we were on different wave lengths....me on a serious wave and he on a cheerful one. Anyway he said that he got the email and that yes, we should talk on Tuesday. He said that he loves me and we will have a talk for sure. But he said all that without a drop of seriousness...just as always in his cheerful voice.

I'm planning to tell him that this isn't working and that I think the best thing to do is stop before it gets any worse. I wonder what he's going to say and how he's going to react? I don't know how long I can take this. It's driving me totally insane.

I really need to take a deep breath and go inside myself, like my yoga teacher says. Yes, I need to compose myself and get my thoughts in order. What a mess I got myself into.

The strange thing is this. I love him too. But it's the scary kind of love. It frightens me and I don't know why. What about my boyfriend you ask? I love him too....but in a different kind of way. I love him because we have trust and have invested a lot into the relationship. I can't explain it well. I love both of them and I never thought this would ever happen to me.

2007-10-29T08:01:00.000-07:00

Howard

I was 17 years old...still struggling with my sexuality and contemplating suicide on a weekly basis. I was pretty messed up and confused. I started having sex with a guy and I wasn't happy. I didn't like the fact that we had to "hide" our desires and pretend to be straight. One day, I met a guy named Howard.

Howard helped me become the person I am today...to be proud of who I am and proud to be gay. It's funny because he was so different from me. I remember Howard as a really laid back guy with a smile on his face wherever he went. I often wondered why he was so happy with his life. I was young and just starting life. I was ready to take on the world and work hard towards my goal of becoming rich! He was the opposite of me. He always seemed happy with what he had, satisfied with the simple things in life and just...happy! Period. Something I had a hard time believing because he really didn't have a lot at least in my eyes.

Howard and I met through my first boyfriend's friend. Actually I don't know if that's correct but somehow they were connected being that the island of Oahu is such a tiny island. Well...whatever. Anyways, I was very fortunate to have met Howard and I will never forget him.

Howard was an accountant and had been living with his lover of more than 2 years. They were the perfect couple in my eyes. They had weekly BBQs and lots of parties at their condo. I still remember those days. Their get-togethers were always great! No pressure, wonderful people and I instantly felt welcome in the group.

One day, I made a quick decision to go and visit Japan. I didn't know what I would do there at that time. All I knew was that I had to leave or else I would just die of boredom. Selfish person that I am, I moved to Japan against my mother's will. My family and a handful of friends saw me off at the airport, including Howard. A year later, he was diagnosed with AIDS.

By the time I found out and went to see him at the hospital in Hawaii, he looked nothing like the Howard I knew. He had lost a lot of weight and none of his muscles were there anymore. There was only sorrow in his eyes...and fear. He constantly cried and as I went to hug him, he kept whispering my name into my ear. "Shinichi, Shinichi...Shinichi!", he sobbed. That's all he could manage to say. That was the last time I saw him.

Later, I heard from one of his best friends that a group of them took him to Disneyland in Los Angeles to watch the Fantasmic show. That was his last wish so a group of them took him in a wheelchair. They said that he looked really happy and was all smiles. I received a letter from his mother after his funeral thanking me for coming to see him. The letter said how Howard had nothing of value to leave behind...nothing of material worth. However, he had something much more valuable than money. He had friends that loved him. Something that was worth more than anything in the world which money could never buy.

Knowing Howard during his active years has taught me how to live. His death has taugh me what's important in life. He will always be in my heart and he will always be a true friend.

Howard, may he rest in peace.

2007-10-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

1982: Gerrit

Gerrit was his name...a Chinese American that I met at my part-time job at a sushi place in Honolulu...the first job that I actually enjoyed. Well I can't really say I had that many jobs before this one. Let's see, I did work at the sports shop for a few months before moving on to an aloha wear shop and then a job in telemarketing, where I was fired on my first day!

Anyway, it's about the same time I started to work out. Yeah, I was fit and slim. You see, before this, I was fat and ugly! In fact I was 250 pounds at my biggest and one day I just decided I didn't want to lug all this weight around like extra baggage. So I decided to start exercising and eating healthier.

I finally found something I actually enjoyed doing...aerobic dance. I've always loved dance and music so it was perfect for me. Despite my mother's warnings, I decided to do something about my fat and start changing my lifestyle. So I lost the weight and looked and felt great.

Gerrit was the assistant manager where I worked at that time. I was barely 17 years old when I met him. I still had no idea of my sexuality or what homosexuality really meant. He used to drive me home from work as we seemed to always be working the same shifts. I guess it was convenient for him and I needed the ride. This became our routine and I started to enjoy his company very much.

One day after work, he decided to take me for a drive up the mountain. I've always loved the view from up there and you could actually see the building where I lived... seriously you could. We ended up talking about a lot of things I barely remember. One thing I remember talking about is kissing. He asked me if I had ever done it and I said no. He then asked me if I had ever kissed a man and I said no so quickly I hardly had time to breathe. In fact, after he asked me that question, I realized that my breathing had gotten quicker due to my heart beating so fast. I started to sweat and started to panic. At that moment, he grabbed my head and started to kiss me. I let him, and he started to insert his tongue inside my month. In fact, that was my first kiss ever and my mind went totally blank. What was I thinking...that I was planning to save my first kiss for a special occasion with a special man? After that night, we ended up going for a drive up the same mountain after work.

A week after intensive kissing sessions, he started to fondle me in places where I've never been touched before. This is also when he also gave me a blow job. I hardly tell people this, but this wasn't my first time getting one. The first time was when I was 15, but that's another story. Truth be told, it didn't feel that great. I don't know why.

A week later, he asked me to do the same to him...so I did..well attempted to blow him and I felt like I was going to throw up. I didn't really know what I was doing. Well more weeks passed and I actually started enjoying sucking cock!

A full month after my first kiss, I realized that we were going steady as he started to introduce me to his friends as his boyfriend. He told me that he would be extremely jealous if he ever caught me with another guy. He bought me a single carnation, which blew me away as no one had ever bought me flowers before. I fell in love with him and that was the start of my first relationship.

I had no idea what to expect or what to do...all I knew was that I enjoyed being with him. I loved the way he touched me, the way he gave me a hug every time I met him, and I really started to enjoy giving him head...in fact, I loved it. One day however, he mentioned to me how bad I was at giving head. I felt so bad that I wasn't giving him pleasure so I had a talk with my best friend Allan, who was a self-proclaimed professional at sucking cock. We purchased a bunch of bananas at Star Supermarket, and I practiced until I felt I was good enough to try it out on my boyfriend. In fact, I even bought a book on lovemaking...the Gay Guide to Sex. Gerrit was overjoyed and surprised at how good I became at sucking his cock.

I also discovered that there was a thing called anal intercourse. It was such a foreign idea...however it seemed way more intimate than just sucking each other off and wondered why my boyfriend never wanted to fuck me. So one day in the car, I asked him to fuck me. He hesitated and I realized why. I was only 17 years old and he was 24. He felt that he was raping a kid...so I decided to take the initiative and straddled him...yes I just sat on it. I guess it felt good to him because he then threw me on my back and started to fuck me with my legs up in the air. I felt like a prostitute...a slut...however I loved the feeling of intimacy that was not possible with oral sex. In fact, it wasn't as painful as I imagined it would be.

During our relationship, he took me to gay bars, where I met all sorts of people. He showed me the parks where people went to cruise which just shocked me. I did not understand how guys could have sex with people they hardly knew. In fact I was disgusted with the whole idea I really asking him how people could have sex without love! That's how young I was!

As time went by, we started spending more time with each other. I started alienating myself from my friends. I was still going to the gym to work out 4-5 times a week and that was the one thing I would never give up even for him. Gerrit told me one day that I had to give up working out for him if I loved him. Working out was one of the most important things in my life back then...it was the one thing that made me happy...in fact it was life-changing for me. It improved my health and I actually felt better about myself. I decided not to give it up just for him. The relationship began to crumble.

He started treating me like shit...he had a crush on another guy that I despised...we started having dinner with this third person...in fact I would have to order the cheapest thing on the menu so that the other guy could order anything he wanted. Why I stayed with him I have no idea why. I guess I had nothing better to do.

I came down with a case of hepatitus and had to stay home for 2 months. It's strange because he said he didn't have it. I also never had sex with anyone else but him. He never called or visited me during that time. My friend Allan, my sister and her boyfriend Mike kept me company the whole time. They came to see me every day. I love them for that.

After I got better, I realized he never had the guts to break up with me. It was so obvious he didn't even want to see me.I mean he stopped calling me period. Nothing. So I wrote him a letter telling him I no longer wanted to be with him. I gave him the option of staying friends. I never heard from him again and decided to quit my job for his sake. He was there longer than I was so it was only fair.

I cried for 3 months straight and ond day finally...decided to grow up.

2007-10-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

Real-time post again...

Bells Palsy still remain.
Very uncomfortable and my face feels tight with a strange sound in my ear at all times.
My panic attacks are worse.
I'm getting scared to ride the train.
I am feeling more nerves in my face and it feels as though they are coming back alive.
I'm trying to stay positive and upbeat about alll of this shit.
I sometimes feel it's easier to just die in my sleep than to keep living.
I know that's just idiotic nonsence and I'm just venting.
I feel lost.
I hope I get tickets to go to LA this year.
I need to clean my apartment.
I need to stop watching so many DVDs.
I have a new and expensive bag, but have nowhere to go because of my Bells Palsy-affected face.
In spite of all this, I am happy.

2007-10-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

My father

For some strange and unknown reason, I have almost no memory of my father while I was living in Japan. I lived in Japan until I was five years old. The memories I have are of snow, strawberry milk(delicious!), butterflies(don't ask me why), my mother and grandmother. However I cannot recall my father being anywhere in my life during those early days.

My mother and father had gotten divorced when I was 3 or 4. Until this day, I believe my mother did the right thing considering what kind of man my father was. He used to gamble away all the money we had including the money my mother earned...not only that, he used to keep another woman stashed away somewhere in their own private apartment which he was paying for with my mother's money. My mother did not have an easy life back then. I have no idea why my mother chose him as her husband. He was handsome for sure...but that's not a good enough reason to get married to someone right?

We had to leave for Hawaii...to find a new life...to start a new life...I guess my mother just couldn't make it in Tokyo. My mother tells me that my grandmother who lived in Hawaii at that time invited us over. My grandmother had an ulterior motive, but that's for another day.

My father did come to visit us in Hawaii a couple of times and each time he did, I remember getting my hopes up thinking that this time, he would stay with us. I would imagine we would get to do some "family" stuff and I always looked forward to his visits. I still considered him my father and remember dreaming that we would have a "normal" family one day. However, sure enough, he would leave within a week or so. But why was he so kind to us...to my sister and I? He would always buy us toys and new clothes. He took us places while he was there. Later though, we found out that he had always asked my mother for the money to buy us things. My mother being the kind person she is, kept the truth from us until we were older. I guess she didn't want to hurt our feelings. We had to find out sooner or later and when we did, we grew to hate our father...the liar, the bastard, the asshole.

My sister never used to talk about my father. In fact she used to tell me that she wouldn't cry if he died. I can tell that she's hurting and has a lot of issues concerning our dad. I don't blame her. It doesn't affect me too much anymore...I mean it's kind of late in life to be concerned about it, isn't it? In fact, I hardly ever talk to him these days. Can't really remember the last time I saw him.

I have made my peace with my dad. I do forgive him for the past, even though he would never ever apologize to us about it. I realize that he's only human and he's not perfect. In fact, without him, I wouldn't be here. So I thank him for donating his sperm and I'm not kidding.

Dad, wherever you are, thank you for whatever little thing you have done for us. For being kind and giving us love the way you only know how when we were together.

I really do forgive you...and I do love you in my own unique way...because you are and always will be...my father.

2007-10-26T08:18:00.000-07:00

1984-1985: The Ed Years

So I met this caucasion guy one night at a bar in Honolulu. His name was Ed. He was cute to me at that time. He had green eyes and hazel colored hair. He was also an excuse to break up with Wes, a guy I was going out with at that time. We decided to have an open relationship and that was fine with me. That was perfectly fine with me!After Wes, I didn't really trust anyone and didn't want to expect anything resembling monagamy.

We expected nothing of each other and asked no questions. I started going to cosmetology school since I was interested in make up and there was no specific make up courses in Hawaii. I continued teaching aerobics at a local fitness center as I went to school during the day. I remember having to take guarana pills to keep me awake during school. However I was young and had energy to spare so my days were spent going to school, teaching aerobics, working at another place and staying out all night!

Ed was originally from Philadelphia and was working as a waiter for Pizza Hut. He used to take me out to dinner, mostly for pizza not surprisingly. Anyway, it was fine with me. I expected nothing more from him. Like I said, I ate a lot of pizza and I even started loving the pizzas from there.

I used to go over to his apartment 3 times a week. He often left in the middle of the night to mail out some letters. At least that's what he told me. He always came back a couple of hours later while I was asleep. For some reason, I never questioned him. I never expected much from him anyway and I decided to just trust him.

One night he told me to wait at his place and that he'd be home around 8pm. So I went there waiting for him watching TV and munching on air-popped popcorn. 11pm came and went. Since he told me that he would be out having dinner with his usual friends, I figured they went out to the bars. Since the bar was just down the block, I decided to go and look for him.

As soon as I entered the bar, I spotted his group of friends in a corner so I figured he must be around. I walked up to them and as soon as they looked at me, their faces went white. Seriously, it looked as if they saw a ghost or some other horrific being. I asked them if they knew where Ed was and they just looked at each other nervously. They said they had no idea so I left.

I felt a bit confused and while I was wandering around the bar sort of in a daze, a mutual friend of ours spotted me and came over.

Long story short, he told me that he needed to tell me something. I found out he was sleeping with my friend's lover! I mean my friend who's standing in front of me. His boyfriend and my boyfriend were fucking while we were there talking about it. This was so wrong and I decided that was enough to end what little we had. I didn't even bother to cry as he was not worth more than trash. I really lost all feelings for him on the spot. It was funny really.

During the following days, he followed me around like an idiot...coming to visit me at school and my home. My mother was totally irritated with him and I told him to fuck off 2-3 times a day. He somehow managed to persuade me to give him another chance under the condition that he would obey my every command. This went on for about a month and he really did almost everything I did. So we eventually got back together.

Towards the end of the relationship, I had a call from Pineapple City, a fitness club I worked for once, in Japan to teach aerobics again. I took the job and Ed was furious with me. I couldn't care less and I left anyway. I was faithful for a whole three months while I was in Japan mostly due to the fact that I had become a potato queen and the only caucasions I met there were fat, old or stupid. Three months past and I was asked to stay in Japan for a whole year. It didn't take me long to decide to take the offer I decided to end the relationship I had with Ed. It wasn't working and I was tired of his bullshit. I started going out with a Japanese guy in Osaka. He was cute and we had sex 3-4 times a day. He was perfect for me. We both loved Madonna and although everybody wanted his body, he was never unfaithful. He was perfect for me.

The time in Osaka was one of the best times of my life. I had more sex than i've ever had in my life, and had more fun than I ever had in my entire life!

Ed became history...

2007-10-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

Coming Out

One weekday when I was 15, I cut class and spent the day at the local library. I loved books even back then and enjoyed spending the day there rather than at school. I guess you could say that I was sort of introverted. I hate admitting that. Anyway that was me back then and there's nothing I can do to change that fact. I went to use the restroom to take a dump(Sorry). While I was there taking my sweet time wiping my butt, I heard a noise go "plop" below me to my right. There was a piece of toilet paper attached to a pen. I picked it up without thinking. I nervously unfolded the sheet and started to read what was scribbled. I realized he wanted to suck me!!!

I decided to finish wiping my butt and get out of my stall. As I unlocked my stall door to get out, there he was standing there waiting for me. My heart was beating so hard by this time I thought I would just faint. He gently took my hand to guide me back in my stall and for some reason, there seemed to be a force that was keeping me from running away. I was scared and excited at this new adventure. So I let him give me a blot job...and that was the first time I ever "came"! I was shocked at what had happened and decided to block the incident out of my memory.

For almost 2 years, nothing else happened and I went back to my old boring life. When I was 17, I started working part time for a sushi shop in Honolulu. My manager was this guy who was about 6 years older with a really nice butt. He wasn't super handsome or anything but he was nice to me. He drove me home all the time and I liked being with him. To make a long story short, he seduced me and he became my first boyfriend. Naturally we had sex but what I didn't feel happy about was the fact that we weren't allowed to talk about our relationship. I became depressed. I had to tell someone...just one. I decided to tell a close friend of mine who worked with me. She was much older than I was and since she didn't know any of my straight friends, I decided to that she was perfect. I would never forget this day for the rest of my life. It took me more than 2 hours to tell her. She wasn't even shocked. I was shocked that she wasn't shocked! In fact she was angry at me for not being able to trust her. She told me that if my friends decide not to be my friend just because I was gay, they weren't my real friends to begin with. Simple as that!

Her words changed my entire life!

2007-10-18T09:30:00.000-07:00

1980-1982 Memories

I dropped out of school when I was 16...I refused to go back to school and had to go to counselors, teachers and psychologists to see what was going on in my head. I tricked all of them into thinking I was good and my mother was bad...that she was the cause of all this misery in me. I often succeeded as my mother always left upset and angry at me for tricking whoever was supposed to be treating me into believing everything was her fault. That gave me pleasure...in fact during those days, I found very little pleasure in seeing people happy.

I started working for a sushi shop after trying many different part-time jobs...sports shop, aloha wear shop, restaurant...I decided to stay with the sushi place for at least a year and to be honest, it had been a long time since I actually enjoyed something. However, I realized this would not be my lifetime career and figured out that I needed a high school diploma to do the things I wanted to do. So I got my GED with great scores, and started cosmetology school. This was also the first time I had my first sexual experience with a man...the assistant manager at the sushi shop! We were together for a year, he was closeted and I realized I hated being in the closet...I needed to free myself and decided to tell the world what I am! i finally knew what I was and was proud of it! A good friend of mine taught me that, and my grandmother taught me to believe in myself...for the first time in my life, I looked into my own heart and found what was right for me...not for what others thought of me. For the first time in my life, I was happy to be me!!!

I lost about 90 pounds of fat! I started working out despite my mother's warnings. I wanted to change everything I didn't like about myself. I bought myself flowers. I got the courage to become an aerobics instructor...in fact, I did that just to prove to myself that I could do something. I broke up with that asshole of a boyfriend...and started to take control of my life!

2007-10-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

1971-1975 Memories

My mother and I arrived in Honolulu, Hawaii sometime around 1971 I was told. We left my sister behind as we couldn't afford the plane ticket for her. My father's younger brother Uncle Nobu supposedly gave my mother enough money for two one-way tickets for my mother and me. So we left Japan without my sister.

I started going to school and remember my first day. The teacher saying something to me but no matter how hard she tried, I didn't understand a word she was saying to me. I had no idea why she was upset.

The first person who befriended me was a girl in my class, Elise Nakama. She was a very strange girl as she was always insisting that I speak Japanese and as a reward she would do the splits for me. Whe made my first weeks in school extremely confusing.

I went to a private school until the 5th grade. I fairly enjoyed those days as most of the kids were well mannered except for a few like David Nakahara. I still see him sometimes and he is still a very troubled person.

I was never to participate in sports as I had a very weak heart. That's what my mother tells me. I also remember I started to get gray hair when I was only in the 3rd grade. It was due to the medication I had to take for years since birth. I was expected to live until I was about 7 years old as long as I kept taking the medication. Finally my body would not take any more medication and for some reason, I started throwing up everytime I tried to take them, My grandmother got fed up with the doctors and she started throwing the medication away as they were doing me no good. My grandmother and mother prayed real hard for me and guess what?...I lived! I loved art and music classes like any typical gay person. What I hated with a passion is science and geography. I swear, those classes were so boring none of the information would get through to my brain cells no matter what! I hate to admit it, but I hated Physical Ed as I was not allowed to participate and felt left out.

My grandmother and her husband Norisan flew over to Hawaii with us as my grandmother was worried about me. I think they stayed for about 2 years. My mother got remarried to this devil-like man. I think she married just to get our green cards. Anyway, he would abuse her day and night almost every other day. I hated the fact that I couldn't do anything except cry. I still see him pushing the bed against the wall with my mother caught in-between the bed and the wall! I thought one day he would kill her. Once I cried with all the strenght I had and he stopped! But then he grabbed me by the neck and started banging my head against the wall. After that I don't remember what happened. They finally got a divorce after 2-3 years and that was that. My mother used to hit me for no reason...if she had one, I didn't know about it. Well, she hit me a lot and I thought I ws being a pretty good kid. I came to fear her and decided to just not say anything anymore. I stilll loved here though...

Before I forget, my dad had divorced my mother back in Japan. He was always spending my mother's money on gambling and other women. I don't regret not having a father. It was better not to have lived with a man like that. I hated him then...I don't hate him anymore though...I feel sorry for him. He is trying to be fatherlike to me these days especially since I live in Tokyo now. It is too late for me. It is too late for my sister. It is to late to change the damage that has been done. I forgive you anyhow.

My sister arrived a few years later and she was like a stranger to me. My sister was always a loving person even back then so she immediately stuck to me like I had always been her big brother. It wasn't that easy for me. In fact, I tried to stay away from her and till this day, I don't know why I treated her this way. I hate thinking about it and though I never tell my sister this, my eyes tear up thinking about those days. I wish that I could take back all the things I did to her...wish I had been a better brother...maybe she wouldn't have taken all those drugs...maybe she would have had a better youth if it wasn't for me. I hate myself for that.

For some reason I don't remember that I had any friends, maybe I didn't have any. It sure seemed that way.

So, I had a pretty shitty childhood, I gained a lot of weight from overeating and watching Sesame Street, I never opened up to anyone and started to depend on myself. I hate to say this and I am not proud of it, but I hated those days.

2007-10-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

1966-1971 Memories

I often find myself looking back at my past looking for answers to the problems I face as an adult. It's funny when you think about it. I couldn't wait to "grow up" so that I could be independent abd strong. I imagined a world of love and endless laughter waited for me somewhere out there. Come to think of it, I don't have many fond memories of my childhood...but maybe if I try real hard...go digging into my mind's past, I may find something.

Ahhh...memories of my life in Japan until I was around 5...what do I see?...

I remember snow...lots of snow....looking out a window I see falling snow. It's beautiful and cold...almost good enough to eat. So I get a small ceramic bowl from the kitchen and hold it out the window...slowly the bowl fills up with the white flakes. They are so light, almost weightless. I see myself just watching the snow falling and falling over and over again. It takes me away from something...I don't know what but it's an escape for me.

Ohhhh...I realize my bowl is filled to its capacity so I decide that's enough. I tear open a small individual packet of granulated sugar and sprinkle it on top of my nature-made snow cone. It's delicious...little did I know it was filled with pollutants.

I used to play with a girl much older than me. She was kind and pretty so I enjoyed being with her. One day she took me out to the field right in front of my apartment to show me how to catch butterflies. There were yellow butterflies fluttering all over the place in between the tall grass and weed. I lunged forward towards a butterfly that was quietly relaxing on a blade of weed. I had crushed the butterfly by mistake. I never tried to catch butterflies again.

I used to cry a lot if my memory serves me well. Later on I found out from my grandmother that my mother used to leave to work while I was sleeping with no one else around. I was afraid that my mother would abandon me like my father did. I couldn't help but cry. My mother hated that.

A car running over my toes crushin my toenails. I don't think my mother took me to the hospital. It healed amazingly.

I was always sick and taking medication. I remember laying in a hospital bed. It was very quiet and was too frightened to cry. I lay there silent.

My younger sister was a nuisance to me. She was noisy and messy. I didn't understand.
I loved my grandmother and her husband Norisan. I used to often run away to their place without permissions from my mother. Gosh I was a bad boy.

My grandmother was always nice and tender. I understood her soul and she understood mine. She taught me a lot about life at that age. I still remember her telling me how special I was. She taught me to trust and believe in myself. Norisan used to take me to the amusement park almost every weekend and that was fun I remember. I remember myself being really terrified on a tiny roller coaster as I could not see in front of me. For some strange reason, I kept going on the damn thing.

I used to be scared of something all the time. I felt lonely and sad. I can't remember why. Even writing about it makes me cry.

2007-09-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

Been kind of in a shitty mood today. Called over a fuck buddy and had him fuck me hard. It was painful due to the fact that his cock is huge and I havent been fucked in a while, but I needed to get all this frustration out of my system. However my face hurts now. I really need to figure out a way to have sex without scrunching up my entire face. Besides, it gives me wrinkles that I don't need.

2007-09-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, to be totally honest, I've been hoping things would get better but I guess that's not the case. 3 years ago, I was told by doctors that I have panic disorder, where I sometimes feel like I'm going to die right then and there. I sometimes get heart palpitations and chest pains as well as nausea and other fun stuff. I've been living with it for years now and somehow learned to live with it. It's not fun but it's not the end of the world.

Well, last week on Monday I started having neck pains. So I tried to massage the kinks out of my neck and for two days the pain didn't subside. On Wednesday, I started to feel the left side of my face getting a bit numb. I had to buy a new cell phone and had to wait for 30 minutes for them to transfer the service to the new one, so decided to wait at a nearby cafe. Ordered a cup of coffee and a piece of cinnamon toast. I love the cinnamon toast here and was really looking forward to eating it. I really didn't feel that great and forgot to bring with me my anxiety pills. I decided that it was ok since I could just rush home if something happened. The toast and coffee arrived and I opened my mouth to take a bite. However something was wrong. My mouth wouldn't fully open. Some of the cinnamon got onto my upper lip and I found that I could not manuever my tongue to lick it off. I tried taking a sip of water and I found it difficult to keep the liquid inside my mouth. Okay, now I knew something was wrong. I profusely apologized to the waitress telling her that I had an emergency I had to take care of. So I paid and left without touching my coffee and my toast, except for a small bite. I went to pick up my phone and got onto my bike to go home, all the while feeling a bit dizzy and scared that I might get into an accident.

This continued throughout the day and was hoping that it was something temporary. I decided to rest and get and early night's rest and wait until morning to see if there are any improvement. When morning arrived, things hadn't improved, in fact it was worse and decided to go to the hospital. I was diagnosed with Bells Palsy, an illness where you usually paralysis on one side of your face. I was given three different pills to take, one being steroids. I started on the regimen right away, however that evening, I had a serious panic attack where my heart was beating double time, I couldn't breathe, and most of my body started going numb. I had my boyfriend call the ambulance and I started to shiver uncontrollably.

Anyway, that was a week ago. I went for further testing and it showed that I had nerve damage and that it would probably take 2-3 months for my face to recover.

I'm depressed and although I'm positive about the whole thing, I'm so tired. I have pain in my head and neck all the time, my face is totally paralyzed that I hate smiling because it makes me look like a freak, and refuse to meet any of my friends. I have to cut everything into small pieces as I can't really open my mouth too wide. After eating for about 15 minutes, I start getting headaches and feel so tired that I have to lie down. My left eye doesn't close completely so I have to be careful of always keeping it lubricated with eye drops, and on and on and on I can keep going with the things happening to me. It's just so tiring and I just don't feel like doing anything. The doctors don't really seem to know much about the illness and looking at different sites on the internet, it confirmed my suspicion that the doctors really don't know much about it.

I know I'm just pitying myself and I have to remind myself that there are far worse things in life and things could have been worse. It's just frustrating to have to try and stay strong after the panic attacks and now this. I'm just really tired...that's all.

My head is starting to hurt again and so I need to get some more sleep.

2007-08-14T19:50:00.000-07:00

So sexy!!!

Yesterday a new customer arrived at my doorstep. I was expecting the usual type of person...someone that's generic in looks and simply, not that interesting. However I open my door and, lo and behold, a gorgeous and sexy hunk of a man! Seriously, it's been a while since a man got my juices flowing.

Cutting to the chase, I let him fuck me. He had the most beautiful cock I've ever seen! And his face! OMG...such a sexy face! So I'm hoping he comes back soon!

In the evening, I also had to meet another client. He's been a fan of mine since forever it seems. Anyway, he wasn't bad looking for an older guy. So I admit, I came twice yesterday and I never felt better!

2007-08-05T21:21:00.000-07:00

I had a troubling dream during the last hour of my sleep this morning. I dreamt that my boyfriend was having sex with my partner. Just to remind you, I have a partner of 7 years. I also have been seeing this other guy for the past 6 months. Yes I know that I'd go to hell and back, but seriously it just happened and I feel sort of helpless.

So back to my dream sequence. My boyfriend was giving my partner a massage in the next room. My boyfriend came out to tell me that he had given my partner a blow job because he found him to be really cute. Funny thing is that both of them still wanted to be with me and so this would create this really bizarre lust triangle.

I woke up feeling more confused then ever. I'm sure someone up there is trying to tell me something.

2007-07-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

I went to my friend's party over the weekend. At first, I have to admit I wasn't really in a party mood. Truth be told, I was worried that someone would pull me over to the side to ask me about my "other" boyfriend. I was so nervous as soon as I arrived, I really needed a drink. I ended up having a terrific time and got so stinking drunk that some of us went to karaoke afterwards. I got home around 3am and still drunk, ended up watching some Madonna confessions on DVD. I feel asleep during Isaac.

Yesterday, I had three customers to take care of. All of them requested "options" to their regular massages, which means I had to take care of each of those guys sexually. So, the first one ordered everything! I mean the works! He was a retired man of 65. So I can proudly say that I've been fucked by a retiree! It sure was tough to keep a straight face during the session. I had to keep my eyes closed most of the time.

Second guy, a youngish guy of 32. He wanted a blow job. Very easy. Third guy, he wanted a rim job and we ended up kissing a lot. That was fun and he was cute. Since he was my last customer, we came together and that was my day. I made about $600 and that's fine with me.

Today is a fine day. After weeks of gloomy and cloudy weather, the sun is most welcome. I think I'll go ride my bike today.

2007-07-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

It's been 7 months since I started giving male-to-male massages. My services don't come cheap and if sexual services are requested, I charge even more. I have a handful of regulars that come every month and a steady stream of new customers every week so I can't complain. At 41, it's hard to believe I'm actually doing this and more surprisingly, being successful at it.

Funny thing about sex is that the more you have it, the more you seem to want it. At least that's how it is for me. Even after having sex with a couple of customers, I still have a need to masturbate on some days. The other day, I went to a park nearby to see if there were any guys out there that could blow me. I got lucky, found a guy I liked, focused on him and got him.

He walked near me and squatted on the ground nearby in the bushes. I walked towards him in the dark until my crotch was right in front of him. I unzipped my pants, got my cock out and started stroking until it was semi hard. I swear it was one of the best head I had in my life.

You know, come to think of it, I hardly have sex with my boyfriend anymore.

2007-06-19T20:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a guy came over and I swear, he was one of the best fucks I've ever had. I don't know his name and don't care to know what it is. However he was totally my type and he was a very good fuck. I really needed that. Sure I've been having a lot of sex lately, but mostly mediocre sex and one doesn't need too many of those.

Another Bangkok trip is planned for the end of September. At that time I plan to make some brand new friends.

2007-06-12T10:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I've been lazy updating my blog. I do have more than a few blogs to update, which can get tedious and time-consuming and my life was getting busy. Okay that's a legitimate excuse so deal with it!

Anyway, I have so many things going on in my life, it's hard to figure out where to begin. However there are some things I'd like to log here for future reference for myself so I can look back and remember how demented I was. So here's a summary of what's been going on. Do I really want to remember all this? Too late! My fingers have started typing and there's no stopping them once they start.

Summary of my current life:

I am officially still in love with two individuals. I have sex with both of them. One of them knows about the other, the other doesn't.

I have been offering oil massages in addition to sexual services for almost 6 months. I've had over 150 customers with many of them being repeat customers. Sometimes I cum 3 times a day and sometimes I have to do that for 5 days in a row.

My AGEL business is at a standstill and I must start working on it again. Besides, isn't that what I really want to do?

I've been to Bangkok three times this year and having more sex than recommended by the surgeon general. But I can't seem to stop. Do I want to stop? I don't think so.

I am making more money than I've ever made in my life due to me being a high-class escort or whatever you want to call it.

I don't have time to cook anymore. I have a bookshelf full of cookbooks that I'll never use. Although my secret dream is to be able to just cook all day every day and do nothing else except to eat, talk with friends and work out so I don't get fat. Oh, and take trips now and then.

I am in a rut. A very busy rut with too many things in my life that's getting out of control.

Okay that about sums my life up.

2007-04-18T21:53:00.000-07:00

Even though there are clouds above me, it's a lovely day really. After three days of rain, any dry day is a welcome relief. We're in the middle of April and I am proud to say I am officially two-timing my boyfriend. Gosh I haven't used that word in ages...ever since high school. Yes I have two boyfriends...it almost feels as if I'm acting out a role from a past life...when people used to have concubines or mistresses. Just writing this out makes me feel dizzy. I keep asking myself how I ever got myself into this mess and I really don't know where things went wrong. Then again, there is no right in this situation and only wrong I suppose. I never meant things to get this serious and complex.

I'm beginning to understand what a friend of mine was going through ages ago. He was totally depressed about having two lovers and didn't know who to choose. I thought he was absolutely nuts and a hopeless nympho. So what the fuck is wrong with me anyway? I keep asking myself why? why? why?

I sort of know the reason why. I know deep down inside. I'm just scared to confront them that's all and I don't seem to be ready for it.

2007-04-03T03:04:00.000-07:00

I'm in a serious dilemma. I mean I'm pretty sure it's serious. If I don't dwell on it, it doesn't seem such a big deal. But it really is no matter how you look at it. I don't really know how it got to be like this but things just...sort of happened and I thinking about it kind of makes me sick.

I've been cheating on my partner and I don't me just having sex and child stuff like that. I'm cheating on him big time. It all started in December of last year at a party I went to and my boyfriend decided to stay home. I was in a not-so-good mood as he hadn't been accompanying me to any social events whatsoever and so I invited a friend to go with me. Well, I ended up talking to a lot of people and there was this one guy that I had a conversation with for like 3 minutes at the most. Seriously, no more than that. In fact I hardly noticed him. He was just there next to my friends and felt like I had to invite him into our conversation. When I got home, he had emailed me through an online community since we are both connected via a mutual friend. He said that he'd like to see me and so I invited him over for a cup of coffee on a weekday. It all started out totally innocent.

So he came over. Instead of coffee, we ended up having wine and I told him that I had to stop drinking because if I don't I always end up kissing people and do stupid stuff like that. So he said, I should continue drinking. "Okay was that a hint?" I asked myself. An hour passed as we talked about trivial things and he suddenly took hold of my hands. He looked into my eyes and we ended up passionately kissing on the sofa.

So now it's April. Guess what? We've been seeing each other at least 2 times a week since. We've taken a trip together abroad. He's bought me this really fantastic bracelet, and a bag that I needed. He treats me like royalty and makes me feel really special. Where was my partner through all this you ask? Well, he was there in the background doing his own stuff not really noticing much. Then just two days ago, he wanted to have sex with me and looked me straight in the eyes and said that he really loves me. Well, how come he's never said that for the past 3 years? I felt like crying because although I do love him, I didn't feel as if I'm in love with him. It was a sad feeling and I don't know what to do about it. I feel guilty towards the other guy when I'm having sex with my boyfriend. And then I feel guilty towards my boyfriend when I'm with the other guy.

So what the fuck am I going to do about this rediculous situation? Seriously, I really don't know. I'm stuck and I simply don't know which direction I'm heading towards. I'm seriously shit and I feel like an asshole.

2007-02-23T02:50:00.000-08:00

6 weeks have passed since starting my massage service. Although I do give sexual favors for an extra fee, massages are the main event on the menu. Looking back at the 6 weeks gone by, I have had around 120 different people coming for my massages. Obviously, I'm aching all over and I'm always sleepy and tired. I try to take most of my Sundays off, but it's not always possible. I'm getting a steady stream of regulars and I swear, I feel like one of those hostesses in Ginza, where all these men come and give presents to their favorite hostess, sort of fall in love and flirt but never really getting serious because as we all know, it's just business. I have a number of customers who call on me once a week and pay around $200US per session. So that makes $800US a month that's spent on my massages/sex/conversation. Each $200 session lasts 2 hours so basically I get around $100US per hour. I guess that's not bad for an hours work and I'm not complaining. I actually made more money in these past 6 weeks than I've ever made in my entire life.

I have to tell you some stories about these people that come for my services. It's been hard work I admit and I sometimes feel like falling asleep due to my fatigue during the massage. But I can't complain about the money I make. Like I said, if anyone can find me a better way to make more money, let's talk!!! I'm being totally serious people!

Anyway, these precious customers of mine...

There's this one guy that requests my presence every single week. He's 32, married and has two kids. In fact when he first came to me, he never had sex with a man ever. Since teaching him a few things in bed, he's become hooked it seems and it almost seems as if he's falling in love with me. From a professional point of view it's a good thing really. He becomes a regular and that gives me a steady income. On the other hand, I hope things don't get out of hand. He wants to take me on a trip all expenses paid! Now, if this trip had been a first class ticket, I might have thought of going, but on economy...I don't think so. Besides, the dates he suggested don't work for me. As for the sessions, all he wants is sex. That's really fine with me as I get to rest my hands from all that massaging. He services me any way that I want. I can just lay back and let him do all the work. The first 20 minutes or so we just lay back and talk. 2 hours go by very quickly. By the way, he's grown some facial hair for me as he knows I'm turned on by it. How charming.

Now I'll tell you about some of the other guys later.

2007-02-20T20:05:00.000-08:00

I guess it takes falling in love with someone else other than your lover to make you realize that you actually do love your partner. This morning I woke up feeling rather lonely and sad although everything's going fine with my partner and my lover. I enjoy being with them both, but if I were to choose, I would definitely choose my partner. The guess I knew that all along. If I looked deep inside my heart, I should have known it. The other lover caught me at the precise moment when I was feeling lonely and sad. I felt as though my partner didn't care about me and took me for granted. I have been feeling that way for the longest time and now, after being with the new guy, I found out just how much I love my partner.

I have to be honest, sex is fantastic with the new guy. I mean we totally click in bed. He's also very charming and so my type. But the fact remains that I am totally in love with my partner.

I did have sex with my fuck buddy last night and I swear, he has the best tasting dick ever! I just can't get enough of it!

2007-02-07T23:14:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to wonder what my main occupation. Having four different "jobs", keeps me busy and sometimes I don't really know what to tell people what I do. I would prefer to call myself an entrepreneur, but that doesn't really explain exactly what I do for a living.

So what is it exactly that I do for a living? Well, I do translation work. I also teach English. I am a business developer. I also give aroma oil massages. I am thinking of building a new business based on gay massages throughout Japan. I also want to keep building my network marketing business especially since that gives me an opportunity to help others. Besides, I love the products and I literally can't live without them.

I'm beginning to realize that I don't really fit into a certain occupation or position. All these so-called "jobs" are just a way to make a living. Work is not the thing that's important to me...making money is what's important. If anyone knows of a way that I could make 10 times more with the same amount of effort, please let me know because I'm definitely in!

It's not that I'm materialistic or anything like that. I don't really have a desire to accumulate material things for myself. I do wish to attain peace of mind from not having to worry about finances and to be able to do what I want to do when I want. Money also helps you help others when the need arises.

Some people say that money is the root of all evil. I say that's a bunch of bullcrap. So what is it exactly that I want to do in this day and age? To make 10 times more than I'm already earning...that's the easiest explanation that I can give.

2007-02-02T16:05:00.000-08:00

Foot fetish

Yesterday I had a customer that was really into feet. He had a foot fetish and he wanted me to do things I've never done before. He wanted me to jerk him off with the toes of my foot. Since this was the first time I've done anything like this, I told him I would try my best and hope I would live up to his expectations.

I started off by giving him a normal massage. We had a nice conversation too, talking about his work, his ex, and his new apartment. Then it was time. I didn't really know where to start so I started working on his nipples. He said that the softer the touch, the more turned on he would get so I decided to use the tips of my fingers to stimulate his nipples one at a time while using my mouth on the other. Oh my gosh, I never heard anyone scream with pleasure like he did in my entire life!

I then continued with the session by gripping his cock with my toes of one leg while pushing the base of his penis with my other foot. At the same time, I used both hands to stimulate his nipples. I had to really concentrate to get this all coordinated and it took some getting used to. He then took one of my foot and started to suck on 3 of my toes. He was in total ecstasy and he shot his load in a matter of minutes!

It was pretty interesting, I learned a new technique, and I got a nice tip!

2007-02-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

No manners at all

Just wanting to vent here because a customer of mine came in my mouth. Yes, as soon as I put his cock into my mouth, he shot his load inside my mouth. It was unexpected and I immediately went to the bathroom to gargle with some mouthwash.

Gosh, some people just don't have any manners!

2007-01-25T01:01:00.000-08:00

Love...

I'm sitting here at my computer contemplating what love really is. I know that there are various types of loves...brotherly love, love between friends and family, love for your dog, love for God and loving your spouse. What I'm talking about is the kind of love you feel for someone with a passion, the kind of love that hurts. Recently, I've experienced this sort of love and I don't know I live being in this state of mind. First of all, it doesn't make any sense and all logic and reason just go out the window. I feel totally out of control and not at all happy about it.

I think I'm in love and it's not good. As far as I can see, there's really no future in this relationship. First of all, I already have a partner who I consider to be my life partner. However I seem to be in love with this other guy who I've been seeing for over a month now. He wants me to break up with my lover and says he's willing to wait for me to make up my mind. He's absolutely sweet and adorable and pushes all the right buttons.

So can one be in love with two persons at the same time? The way I'm feeling right now, the answer would be a definite yes. Is it a good feeling? Not really. I feel guilty as hell and sort of feel like shit. I really got to get my shit together don't you think? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Shinichi

2007-01-23T04:35:00.000-08:00

Business is booming...

Well, it's been about 2 weeks since starting my gay massage service. I created a website and it's just unbelievable how many people are looking to get a gay massage. I've been booked solid for the past week and to be honest, it's sort of killing me. The manual labor is very intense and trying to keep enough towels clean for the customers and try having a normal meal! Hardly possible with my schedule. So I've learned to make a sandwich in the early part of the day so I have something to nibble on throughout the work day.

So far, the youngest customer was 24...I think he just came today. He says he'll be trying to come as often as he can, but most likely once a month due to financial difficulties. The next customer was a fitness instructor and he had a two-hour session. He had a fabulous body and we ended up making out. The third customer was an older man and as soon as I had his cock in my mouth, he came in less then 5 seconds! Boy, that's definitely a record! The last guy was my favorite as I was astounded at how handsome he was. He ended up giving me a blow job (no that great I might add), and that was pretty much my entire day.

This morning I did manage to buy a couple of bottles of massage oil. I also purchased a book on aromatherapy as it's starting to intrigue me these days.

I am so fucking tired I could just die.

2007-01-18T08:12:00.000-08:00

An unbelievably busy day!

I woke up to a beautiful and sunny day. I didn't really want to get out of bed because it was so freaking cold. I just wanted to stay inside my blanket and never venture out of my warm and cozy bed. Obviously I had to get out and get on with my day and what a busy day it turned out to be. I quickly had a bagel, yogurt and coffee before washing my face, putting on some moisturizer and brushing my teeth before my first appointment arrived. It was the first time we met this year and he brought me a package of pure cocoa. I was really happy because I'm practically out of my can of Giradelli Cocoa powder. I cannot live without hot chocolate during the winter.

Right after the first appointment, my second appointment arrived, which was my first massage appointment of the day. He turned out to be a man in his 50s and had scary hair. After a short chat, I asked him to shower and prepare himself for the greatest massage of his life. We started to chat during the massage and I found out that his wife recently passed away and he's currently living with his 15 year-old daughter. We got along really well and bonded. He left after about 2 hours. He said he makes dinner for his daughter every night so he had to get moving. I thought that was endearing.

Then on to my next appointment. He turned out to be a 49 year-old cartoonist. He was actually pretty good looking and well-built. After a shower, he came out stark naked and had absolutely no shame. He also requested that I concentrate on his ass muscles. So I started out with his neck and shoulders, continuing on to his lower back. When I got to his butt, I had to think...how much can you do with ass muscles? I mean you can only massage that area in so many ways until it starts to get repetitive. Anyway, the funny thing is that he started to get turned on and he kept lifting up his butt. Long story short, I ended up fucking the guy. I must admit that he was a great fuck and I felt bad taking money from him. But hey, business is business right! Anyway, he sure was a great fuck!

Then I had a quick dinner before my next appointment. That was legit business. Then right after, had my last appointment of the day at 9pm. I was so tired and my leg muscles were aching by this time, but I had to keep going. It took me so much energy to keep myself awake but kept going for 90 minutes including jerking the guy off. I walked him out and went to meet my boyfriend at the convenience store.

Came home, chatted with boyfriend for an hour, more appointments came in for Monday night and Sunday morning at 10am! Bloody 10:00 in the morning!

Well, great thing is that I'm almost done paying off my debt! Whoopeeee!!!!!

2007-01-15T09:56:00.000-08:00

Another cold day...

Yes, it was another typically cold day here in the land of the rising sun. The weather was beautiful and despite the polar temperature, there was not a single cloud in the sky. My day was filled with activity, but mostly due to work. I had to get my translation done by this afternoon so I spent most of my morning doing that. After finally getting it done, I worked out for about 45 minutes than took a shower. I had a massage appointment tonight at 9pm so I kept on working until it was time to leave.

Today's client was a businessman staying at a hotel. He was here on business from Gifu Prefecture, which is about 3 hours away by train. He reserved a 2-hour session so I rolled up my sleeve and gave him what he wanted. I think it went well and he seemed to be satisfied with my service.

I got home sometime around past midnight and I was starving so I made myself some soup. I got to updating my blog for an hour. All I have left to do is brush my teeth, wash my face and get ready for another long day tomorrow!

2007-01-13T09:10:00.000-08:00

What the fuck am I doing?

It's so hard to keep track of the days as they seem to go by so quickly. Especially since my days are so varied and my days seem to be filled with so much activity these days, it's easy to forget what day it is. The only thing that's keeping me up-to-date is my scheduler. Without that, I would lose all hope of ever remembering everything I need to do.

Last year, I embarked on a new career. It's progressing well, but as always things could be better. To tell you the truth, I've sold myself a couple more times to customers and one of them was a repeat customer. I also started a massage service and advertise it on a website, which my partner helped with. So suddenly I find myself really busy with juggling appointments for massages, sex and meeting prospective partners for business. And this has been going on for about a week now and frankly, I'm getting kind of used to it. I am happy that I get more clients for massages rather than just for sex. They seem to enjoy my massages and it makes me happy to hear their comments afterwards. Tomorrow I have another client at 3pm and then another one at 9pm on Monday.

Hey, it's not like I'm going to be doing this forever. Just until I can survive solely on my main business. Until then, I really have no choice do I? And I'm not really hating it. I sort of enjoy it.

In the midst of all this activity, I did manage to have sex with a guy for 15 minutes. Why 15 minutes you ask? Well another guy came right over after the first one because I was so horny, I figured why not ask both of them to come on over! So 15 minutes with the first one. Then 15 minutes with the second guy. I had a phone call from my boyfriend while I was fucking and he was on his way home...in the next 5 minutes! So I told the guy to cum NOW so he did...well he was close anyway. Then he quickly got dressed, he left and I got dressed so that I could meet up with my boyfriend at the convenience store across the street. I quickly threw away the used up tissue, gargled with mouthwash and went to meet my boyfriend.

As I was going down the elevator, I had to ask myself...what the hell am I doing?

2007-01-05T09:05:00.000-08:00

Have you confessed?

I have a confession to make. I received money in return for sexual favors. I did it when I was desperate almost 20 years ago. I vowed never to do that again. Almost 20 years later, I did it again. I did it for personal reasons and I'm taking full responsibility for my actions. Within a couple of days, I had 4 customers. Maybe it was because of my previous experience with the profession...it felt comfortable and it came naturally. Was it hard to do? Not really. I learned to think of it just like a regular business. Naturally I can't confess this to my partner or any of my friends except for a select few. There are those in my life that I feel I can confess anything to. Will I do it again? I can honestly say that I will not think twice about doing it again if I had to. I already have customers that want a repeat.

Back when I sold my body many years ago, I worked for someone. Half of the profit went to my boss. With the power of the internet, I'm able to work for myself. Sure there are risks involved and anything can happen. I mean what if your customer decides to slash your throat in the middle of the act? What do you do with no-shows? How about when someone decides not to pay? Well, I accept the responsibility and maybe it's because of my business experience, I confirm with my customers via email to make sure they know what the total price is going to be. I ask them what they expect out of the experience and make sure they pay me before I service them. About your throat being slashed, you can't really do much about that can you? Besides, that could happen to you in almost any profession.

I have to confess I'm not proud of it, but hey it's all about survival and I have things to take care of. I've always had a difficult time asking people for help and I rather take care of things myself...besides it's my responsibility. Am I throwing away my other career options to pursue a career in prostitution? Of course not you silly twat!!! So that's my confession for today.

So...have you confessed?

2007-01-05T08:49:00.000-08:00

My destiny?

The new year has arrived and I'm going to be 41 in a matter of weeks. It feels as though I just turned 40, but at the same time, the year felt longer than usual. I know it sounds weird and crazy but the year 2006 felt longer than previous years. It feels shorter because 40 was such a milestone for me. So now going on to 41, I look back at what my life has been. 40 years seem like such a long time...am I really that ancient? Has it really been 40 years already? If it really has been 40 years, I should be wiser and mature in my ways don't you think? Well, I realize that things do change and I have changed in many ways, but many things remain the same.

I started a new career, juggled with more than a couple of businesses and at the same time, found myself in a situation I couldn't refuse. In fact, I'm reminded of when I just arrived here in Japan almost 20 years ago. I was scared yet excited of the fact that my future lay in front of me. I find myself in the same situation at this time in life. Who would have thought I would be scared and excited about my future at the age of 40? Not me, that's for sure.

It dawned on me one day sometime in December of last year that I have the same hopes and dreams as I did 20 years ago. The same fears that come with hoping for a better future and reaching for your dreams...to believe in yourself and what you can accomplish...to do what you have to do in order to stay alive and to survive. Nothing has really changed. I still don't know what's in store for my future. Are all my dreams and hopes part of my destiny?

2006-12-08T08:28:00.000-08:00

Season's Greetings...

Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la, la la la la!!! Right? As far as I'm concerned, my answer is NO with capital letters!!! Let me tell you why!. First off, I really don't know why, but I'm no in a happy state of mind at the moment. Today started out okay.

My partner and I woke up very early so we could spend the day together. We went to a romantic place and we had a very nice lunch as well as dinner. It was all great and dandy. And at one point, while I was looking at a spectacular Christmas tree, I felt total satisfaction and thought that if I died that instant, I would be happy and content with what my life was all about. But the problem was this. I didn't feel all warm and fuzzy like you're supposed to get when you're with somebody you're in love with. No, nothing like that. There are too many reasons to list and they may or may not be important...hey maybe nothing's important and then again, maybe everything's important. Who knows because heck, I sure as hell don't!!!

Yeah, I know I'm in a shitty mood today when I have no particular reason to be. It's not as if my partner acted out of character....I mean he's always been this way and I've been happy with it. Maybe it's the fact that there were so many couples that looked so in love with each other all around us. Perhaps it's because my boyfriend doesn't seem to notice me. Or the fact that my boyfriend is so realistic and logical that he said that if someone paid me a lot of money, he'd let me spend the night with that guy. Just make sure to give him part of the money. I probably would choose that option anyway, even without him telling me. But hey, that's not the point is it? I'm working hard towards the point where I wouldn't have to worry about money anymore and I wouldn't be tempted to sell my body right?

Maybe it's because he made such a fuss about buying the Christmas cake this year? Or the fact that he's not joining me at our friend's Xmas party this year. Or maybe it's because he doesn't seem to care if I go to Hawaii for 3 weeks. Yes, I told him that and he said "sure"!!! Yep, "sure" was the word he used and then he went to sleep like a baby. I am so tempted to take a 3 month vacation and stay there in Hawaii for that long. Seriously, that was just icing on the cake.

I know that he cares for me...I am sure about that....well, come to think of it, I'm not sure because I've been wrong in the past with my ex-boyfriends. All I know is that I feel lonely and not too happy. It's December and it's the holiday season and we are supposed to feel jolly. I don't feel jolly at all. And the frustrating thing is the fact that I can't talk to him about it! I don't want to fight or argue. I want peace, harmony, and maybe just a little bit more caring. Am I being selfish for asking for just a bit more? Am I just being stupid or should I just admit to myself that I would never be satisfied? I really don't know. In fact, I don't even feel like I want to be in the same bed with him tonight. But I know I will and I know I'll just let it go. I really don't know. It's the weekend. What do I have planned? I basically work. But then after work, I have to decide what to do. Do I stay with my boyfriend because I feel obligated? Should I stay with him and expect that we'd probably do something fun? Or should I call up some of my friends and ask them out so we can get wasted and get crazy and stuff?

Do I really know what's bugging me? Probably. Should I act on my impulses? Most likely not. Is anyone forcing me to stay with my partner? Definitely not! Do I even know what I'm talking about? I don't have the slightest fucking idea! Fuck, fuck and double fuck!!!

2006-12-05T23:13:00.000-08:00

Wishes...

It's December, the last month of the year once again. I always find myself looking back at my life and prioritizing what's really important in my life. I know I should be satisfied with I already have and I admit I'm pretty happy with things. Nothing is perfect that's true, but still I wish for things to be different. Things that I secretly wish for...

I wish that...

I didn't have panic attacks and I didn't need to keep going to the hospital.
My mother was 10 years younger so she would live longer.
My dad was gay.
My mother didn't smoke and took her vitamins without me having to nag her all the time.
I could meet someone that would join my business who knows how to succeed.
I had less body fat.
I had a dog.
I had a bigger Xmas tree.
I have a bigger oven.
I could cook all week and nothing else.
I would succeed quicker.
I had a better hairstyle.
I had a bigger kitchen.
I could stay in bed all day.
There would be no more war.
There's be no more discrimination and for people to accept people as they are.
I had someone I could depend on.
Everyone could get along better.
I had better wallpaper in my apartment.
Time would stand still for me.
I could spend 2 whole weeks at Disney World.
All my dreams come true!

2006-12-05T00:02:00.000-08:00

Too close for comfort?

I was having a chat via skype with a friend of mine. We got to talking about dildos and it got me extremely horny. I admit I used to be a proud owner of a dildo about 8 years ago. It was too big and too hard and I threw it out after using it once with my ex. That was the last time I had one and during this recent dildo conversation, I started thinking about getting another one. I thought of all the reasons to have one in my possession. It would definitely come in handy if I really had an urge to get fucked and I was extremely horny and a normal masturbation session with my right hand just wouldn't do! Getting back to the story, we were talking about dildos on skype. I mentioned that I might be getting one and he said that would be a great idea!

'Promise me that you'll buy a camera so that you can show me with the dildo up your butthole'
'Uh...I don't think I can do that'
'Come on please...you can do that for me!'
'I know I feel comfortable with you but I don't know...'
'You should feel comfortable with me'
'I don't know if I'd ever feel comfortable enough to show myself with a dildo up my ass!'

And then we ended up laughing! Seriously, that was one of the funniest conversations I've ever had.

After we hung up, I found myself looking through an online catalogue for the perfect dildo!

2006-11-23T18:14:00.000-08:00

A very strange dream...

I was sleepy and I wanted to get into my bed. Now why is my mother in my bed? I don't know the exact reason why but I slid myself into the empty spot next to my mother. As soon as I lay on the bed, my mother's hand moved toward me embracing me into her arm. I immediately jumped out of bed and thought maybe she was imagining that I was one of her lovers or something. I felt uncomfortable and needed to get out of there. I ran into the living room, where my boyfriend was. We ended up having a huge argument over something I can't remember, but I blurted out the words, 'I want to break up!' After I said those words, I knew it was too late to take them back so I was about to leave when I realized that I had no money, not a single yen. I debated whether I should just take the money from my mother's bad or my boyfriend's wallet. I decided to just leave without taking any money telling myself I could earn some by selling my body or something. So I took the elevator and pushed the button that would take me to the ground floor. However something strange happened. When the elevator opened, I was in a totally different place altogether. When the doors opened, I found a long hallway bathed in an eerie blue light in front of me. I started to walk into the hall not knowing where exactly I was going. There were doors on either side of the hallway and decided to enter one of them.

As I found myself entering the room, the entire scene changed into sudden brightness. There were these mafia-looking guys in the room drinking and talking to each other. There were also a few ladies in slinky dresses that made them look sexy. They took one look at me and gave me a sinister looking smile. As they smiled, I noticed that they had huge fangs and I started to panic! There was only one escape which was the balcony. However instead of being on the ground floor, I'm on the 30th floor, way up high somewhere in a building. I didn't care anymore and made a jump for it as I started falling from the balcony. Instead of crashing into the pavement below, I found myself once again in an enclosed room, this time in a darkened Japanese tatami room. Strange I thought to myself...why the fuck am I here now?

As I explore the room, I notice a faint sound coming from above. I notice a trap door above my head so I somehow get myself through that small door and find myself in a sort of attic. There I find my boyfriend and a few other guys tied up with their mouths gagged. I pull off the gagging device off my boyfriend's mouth and let him speak.

'Please inject me with that serum and let me live. I crossed over to the other side. I don't care if I become one of them, just let me live. '

I pushed the needle into his arm knowing that was the last time I'd be seeing him. As soon as I had done that, I ran as fast as I can without saying goodbye. There was no sense anymore...he wasn't himself anymore and I just had to face the fact that I had to go on.

Once again, out of the Japanese room, things became bright again and found myself in a hospital bound to a bed in a straight jacket. I heard sounds from afar and knew that they were coming for me. I had to get out as fast as I can. I somehow struggled out of the straight jacket and crashed through the windows in front of me. I kept running because I knew if I stopped, I would die. I looked back and saw my mother and boyfriend...even my sister in the group. I wanted to turn back, yet I knew if I did, I would die. There was just one more door I had to get through. I found the door just ahead of me. It was a door right in the middle of the sky. I found myself going towards that door. How was I getting there, I had no idea. I started to cry because I knew I would never be able to go back, but this is what I had to do if I was to survive. I forced back my tears and gave it my all...a burst of energy went through me as I crashed headfirst into that door in the sky. The world shattered all around me and then, I was alone...no one after me...just clean and pure air around me...and absolute silence. I'm floating in a clear sky...just floating...with no emotions whatsoever. I'm not crying anymore...I can't seem to.

I see a city below me. A brand new city with new adventures waiting for me. I knew that was where my future was waiting for me. I had nowhere else to go but there...into my future where my new adventure awaits me.....................

2006-11-23T06:53:00.000-08:00

Mixed feeling...strong emotions

I just finished talking to the guy I really like. He's been gone for a couple of days now and we have been chatting daily ever since. It's really nice and it's become the highlight of my days. However these past two days have been filled with mixed feelings and strong emotions.

The day after he left, I was left feeling happy and elated, but at the same time sad and lonely. I mean did you ever feel like you just didn't feel like doing anything at all? Like you just wanted to stay under the blanket in your bed all day shielding yourself away from the rest of the world? That's what I felt like today.

Today I was struggling with a bad cold so I wasn't feeling too good to start with. Feeling bad physically just added to my confused mental state that I went through feelings of depression, sadness and hopelessness throughout the day. Maybe it was because it was Thanksgiving Day without a proper Thanksgiving Day dinner. Perhaps it was because I only had 1000yen in my wallet all day today and realized I won't have much money until my next paycheck. I wasn't in the mood to work as I was just not in the right state of mind...I wouldn't have been productive anyway. I suppose it was just a combination of things that culminated in these feelings.

So I find myself lying here on my sofa trying to sort out my feelings so I can try to understand myself better. I recently found out that I was indeed capable of strong feelings and emotions. I also learned to my dismay, that I was still as vulnerable as when I was in my 20s, which really bothers me because I always thought that I had grown out of that "phase"...that I was more mature now. I realized that I had built a shell around myself and I hardly ever show my true self to anyone around me. Finding out that I still had this vulnerability came as a shock to me and I'm still trying to get over it. In my relationships and in my work, I always stay strong and support those around me. I believe in making things happen for myself. I tend to take charge of the situations around me and remain positive as much as I can. Today I just wanted someone else to take charge for a change...wanted to depend on someone and have someone else be strong for me. Perhaps this is how everyone is...I don't know. But I did find out one thing...that I still want to be taken care of...that I need a shoulder to lean on. There's a part of me that wants someone to take my hand and take me away.

But life is not that easy is it? Nope. I don't think so. Do I wish work was easier and that my life didn't feel as if I'm always running after something, hoping I don't drown of get left behind? Yeah, you bet I do. Do I curse God and blame others for my life not being perfect? Nah, I don't think so. I have a roof over my head, I have my health(despite occasional panic attacks) and everyday is an opportunity to make my life better than it was yesterday. Do I know what the point of this blog entry was? Not at all!!!

2006-11-21T09:32:00.000-08:00

I've been lazy with my blogs these days. I should really rephrase that and say I've been busy with other things lately. Oh, I have to take a call now....

four hours later...

I'm talking to this guy I met from Malaysia. It's funny but I think I really like him a lot!

2006-10-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

Today I met a friend that I haven't seen in a very long time. A year ago, we sort of had an affair and I guess I agreed to the whole deal because he was married. As with most things in life, things didn't go as planned. We did have some good times though and I wish things didn't get so messy. Anyway, we met again today. It was hard to believe a whole year had passed. The conversation was the same and we had a good time talking again. We've always been able to have a good time and that hadn't changed.

He did leave me with an interesting story though. After we ended the affair, he decided to try out a life of sexual abandon. So one of his friends invited him to an orgy that was taking place in town. He met someone there and after a session of sex, they took a shower together. He then realized that he looked somewhat familiar and after asking him some questions, put the pieces together. As soon as he realized who it was, he left the place in a hurry. Who was the guy you ask? Believe it or not, it was my ex-boyfriend! Yep, it's definitely a small world after all!

2006-10-17T11:43:00.000-07:00

I woke up at exactly 11am this morning...well almost noon. I called my mother and we chatted for a while. After that, I worked for two hours. I started checking my emails and thought to myself...hey it's a beautiful day and I ought to be outside with the rest of the people.

I hopped onto my bicycle and just pedaled to nowhere really. I somehow ended up at a famous cruising spot...a video box. You know, one of those places where you pay a small fee and they give you a small room to watch porno and there are glory holes on either sides of you? I had a couple of reasons for going there, but basically I was bored.

The first man that came into my room tried to force me to suck his cock. He slipped on a condom and I just refuse to suck a condom! I hate the smell of condoms and I would not put one in my mouth for heaven's sake! Then he started talking dirty to me.

'I wanna see your asshole dude'
'Uh-huh...'
'Come on show it to me'
'Um...
'You like getting fucked hard, don't you?'
'Um, yeah I do...but I'm ...not in the mood.'
'So why are you here then?'
'I had nothing else to do. '
'So can I fuck you?'

At this time, I noticed a wedding ring on his finger.

'What would your wife say about fucking a guy at a video box?'

After that comment, he quickly zipped himself up, gave me a smirk and left my box.

30 minutes later though, I did have a 3-way. That was fun!

2006-10-12T10:07:00.000-07:00

A very interesting thing happened to me today.

About a week ago, I received an email from a guy who saw my profile in a personals website. He was well into his 60s and I decided to meet him for a cup of coffee. He seemed like a really nice guy. However as I was talking to him I started to realize that what he was telling me sounded familiar. "Strange", I though. I never met this guy, yet I knew I heard his stories somewhere. 30 minutes into the conversation, I realized why. Let's rewind back 6 years ago in time...

I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 3 years and was devestated. I put out an ad in an online personals website and got an email from a Japanese guy. He told me that he was happily married to a guy and that they've been together for 20 years! He asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him. I was in a really shitty mood so I told him that I would be happy to join him for dinner as long as he was paying and only if he took me to a really nice place! I suggested the New York Grill at the Park Hyatt, which is one of the most expensive places in Tokyo. I was hoping he would say no and that would be the end of it. To my surprise, he said ok and found myself in a position unable to refuse.

To make a long story short, we ended up having dinner the next night, and the next and the next...actually 5 nights in a row. I told him honestly but politely, that I was not looking for a relationship and I agreed to have dinner with him because I felt it would be "safe" as he was in a committed relationship. Well, funny thing is that he seemed to like me...a lot. I won't get into details...however he fell in love with me and although I didn't feel the same way, it was fun. He paid for everything, took me on trips to New York, Europe and Asia...all business class. We stayed in the best hotels and we ate like kings. As time went by, he started to get really serious and it made me feel uncomfortable. I mean he had a parther of 20 years and I never expected things to get so serious between us. Well, it ended badly...he getting hurt much more than I ever expected. I felt like shit really...but I was honest with him...never really promised him anything...well I know I shouldn't have done what I've done, but still...

Now fast track to today. I met this guy at the coffee shop for a cup of coffee. Although I didn't mention it to him, he was the guy's partner! I found it rather amusing and decided not to mention anything to him. I mean the whole affair thingy was a big secret. You know, they both lived abroad in Europe. They were both complete strangers to me. And I was contacted by both of them...a couple that plays with other guys in secret. Can you imagine what would happen if I did it with this guy I met today? What a day!

2006-10-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

It's 2:19am. The cool and light breeze coming through my open window feels good. I'm lying on the bed with my laptop while my partner is sound asleep next to me. I gaze at his face feeling sorry for him. He looks so tired. I wish I could do something to help him. I want to make him happy. I want to see the bags under his eyes disappear. I want him to be filled with so much happiness that he explodes with joy! I wonder what he's dreaming about?

2006-10-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

Incence

Okay, now it's almost 6:30am and I can feel tingling in my fingers which is a sure sign that I'm getting ready to pass out. I'm kind of in a delirious state and funny thing is, I started thinking about a certain memory I usually block out. Right around 5:30am, I had a memory of when I was 6 or 7. I don't know what triggered that memory or why I even remembered it but it's something i've never forgotten. I think it was the first time I was hurt, I mean really hurt... by my mother. I've always loved my mother and I still do. Since I was a child, my mother was my world. I think this one day changed all that.

I must have been around 6 or 7 because I was already going to school in Hawaii after coming from Japan. One day after school, I came home and found myself starving so went to look for something in the refrigerator. I found a package of hot dogs and decided that I wanted some. I read the instructions on the package and realized I needed to cook them before I could eat the sausages. However I remember my mother warning me many times not to touch any of the kitchen appliances as they were too dangerous for me to handle. So at first I thought I could boil the sausages in hot water. I turned on the faucet and waited for the water to become really hot. I stuck a chopstick through a sausage and made it like a popsicle. I thought I was really clever but after doing that for about a minute, I realized that this wasn't going to cook the sausage. So against my mother's orders, I decided to really cook my sausage the real way. The instructions on the package told me to boil some water in a pot so I poured some water into a small pot and put it on the stove. I carefully turned the dial on the stove to "hot". After awhile, the water came to a boil so I carefully put one sausage into the boiling water and cooked it for the recommended time. After it was done, I switched the heat off as I've seen my mother do thousands of times, took the sausage out and started to eat it. I was so proud of what I could do . I Actually cooked for the first time and felt very much like an adult. That was until my mother walked in from somewhere. I'm not sure exactly where she had been, but she came in just in time to see me eating the sausage in the kitchen with the pot of very hot water on the stove still sitting there. I really didn't think she would mind as I hadn't really messed anything up or burned down the house or anything major like that. But what she did to me was so amazing you would've thought I burned down the whole neighborhood. She grabbed my arm in on angry motion, and sat me down on the living room sofa. She then started screaming at me for being a very bad boy and slapped me across the face several times. I was already crying by but that wasn't the end of it. She got a stick of incense and lighted one with a match until it was burning bright at the tip. I had no idea what she was going to do but I was scared shitless and was screaming at the top of my lungs by now. I tried to run away from her grasp but couldn't and remember regretting even going into the kitchen that day. I prayed to God that I would do anything to make my mother stop and love me again. I loved my mother and she loved me and she wouldn't do anything to hurt me. There was no way she was going to hurt me. At that moment her facial expression softened and she loosened her grip so I thought she had forgiven me. I was ready to go into her arms and cry for forgiveness. She caught me off guard and poked the tip of the burning end of the incence on the top of my hand. It was the most pain I've ever felt since birth and this time, the pain didn't go away. The pain lingered there for a long time after. As I started to cry silently this time, she stood up without saying a word, went to her bedroom and started to get ready to go to work.

2006-10-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

My friend Howard

My childhood was filled with gloom and confusion. A lot of confusion. I always felt out of place most likely because of the fact that I was gay and I thought something was wrong with me. I looked to help in many places. Religion, the occult, rebellion, and overeating. Oh, and thinking of suicide was getting very old indeed. I finally realized that I was gay and had to face up to the fact that no matter how many therapy sessions I went to, I was never going to start longing for a woman.

Then I met Howard.

Howard and I met through my first boyfriend's friend if I remember correctly.
Howard worked as an accountant and had been living with his lover for more than 2 years. In my eyes, they were the ideal gay couple and just looking at them made me fell all warm and good inside. He was a simple man. He was satisfied with his life and always seemed to be happy. I used to look forward to his weekly barbeques or one of his parties at his place. There were always many people there and I always had a lot of fun.

After the few years of "no worries" in Hawaii, I decided to move to Japan after a lot of thinking. I needed to get away to "find myself"...to get out of the familiar rut I was about to get swallowed into. I needed to go after my amtitions in life whatever they were at that time.

A year later, Howard was diagnosed with AIDS. By the time I found out and went to see him at the hospital in Hawaii, he looked nothing like the Howard I knew. He had lost a lot of weight and none of his muscles were there anymore. There was sorrow in his eyes...and fear. He constantly cried and as I went to hug him, he kept whispering my name into my ear. That was the last time I saw him.

After I flew back to Japan, I heard that his friends and partner took him to Disneyland in California. A large group of his friends took him in a wheelchair and they said he looked really happy.

Howard always treated people with kindness and respect. He loved his friends and his friends loved him back. He didn't have a lot of money and he didn't possess many things. What he did have were friends. Friends that truly loved him.

2006-10-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

I have to say that my life is just full of ups and downs. Well, I guess everyone's life is...I mean life is like a rollercoaster don't you think? Seriously, I sometimes think my life is going around in a big circle. I never seem to be quite satisfied with life in general and need to keep reminding myself to just appreciate what I already have. I do really. I have great friends, a loving partner and a supportive mother. There is still one thing missing in my life.

Last night, a few of my friends came over to chat over wine and dessert. I truly had a great time. At around 3am, we all looked out the window to see the full moon. The night sky was clear and the moon couldn't be any brighter. It actually looked a bit too bright! We all stepped out onto the balcony to gaze at the stars and moon. It truly was a beautiful night. We just stood there together and at that moment, life couldn't get any better. In fact, it was perfect.

2006-10-01T22:36:00.000-07:00

The art of the blow job.

Being a gay man, giving head is as natural as sleeping and eating. It's probably one of the first things you need to master in order to have a healthy and active sex life. My first experience was with a guy I met when I was 17. Without his advice, my blow jobs probably wouldn't be what they are today. Here's why.

After a few attempts at giving head, he...we'll call him Gerrit...he told me that I truly sucked at sucking! So I went to get some advice from a friend of mine who had more experience than me.

'Hey, my bf tells me that I suck at sucking. What should I do?'
'Well first of all, you need to buys some bananas. Get a bunch...at least a dozen. Once you get them, call me.'

So I did. I went to a supermarket, lucky for me bananas were on sale so I bought two dozens just in case. If I was going to learn, I wanted to learn well. So the lesson on the art of fellation started.

'S, peel the banana to expose the inner flesh...see, it looks just like a cock, doesn't it? The shape, the angle, even the various sizes replicate a cock to almost exact measures. Now, all you need to do is pretend that it's a cock. Take it in as deep as you can making sure NOT to use your teeth. If you do, you will see scrapes on the flesh of the banana. Once you've mastered it well, there should be no marks on the banana whatsoever.'

So I practiced over and over until I was able to "deep-throat" the banana withouth leaving any marks on the surface. Immediately I rang my bf so that he could meet me for a preview. He was so impressed with my performance that he literally demanded a blow job everytime we met, which was practically every day.

Most of the guys I met afterwards never failed to praise my sucking technique and just couldn't get enough. I was proud of myself and thanked my friend profusely and treated him to a dinner. Without my friend's help, I would've been your average gay person able to give average oral pleasure. However with his help and a dozen bananas, I was able to turn the blow job into a work of art.

2006-10-01T22:17:00.000-07:00

I have almost no memories of my father during my childhood days. I lived in Japan until I was 5, but the only things I can recall are visions of snow, the taste of strawberry milk and butterflies. Since it snows at least once a year in Tokyo, I understand the snow part. Although it's not easy to find anymore, strawberry milk was sold everywhere in Japan in those days. However trying to explain butterflies, I won't even get into and don't bother asking me why. I just remember them...maybe I just loved them for a certain reason, I don't know. I also remember the tenderness of my grandmother and my mother. I also remember my sister as a bratty little thing.

My mother and father were divorced when I was 3 or 4. Until this day, I believe my mother did the right thing considering what kind of man my father was. He used to gamble away all the money we had including the money my mother earned...not only that, he used to keep another woman stashed away somewhere in their own private apartment which he was paying for with my mother's money. My mother did not have an easy life back then. I have no idea why my mother chose him as her husband. He was handsome for sure...but that sure isn't a reason to get married. When I was 5, my mother decided to make a jump over to Hawaii. I don't know why we chose Hawaii, but I think it had something to do with my relatives being there. Anyway, my mother says it was just too hard to make a living in Tokyo and besides, she really needed a fresh start.

My father did come to visit us in Hawaii a couple of times and each time he did, I remember getting my hopes up thinking that this time, he would stay with us. I still knew him as my dad and remember dreaming that we would someday have a "normal" family. Predictably, he would leave within a week or so. But why was he so kind to us...to my sister and I? He bought us toys and new clothes. He would take us places while he was in Hawaii. Later on, we found out that he had asked my mother for the money to buy us those things. My mother being so kind, she kept the truth from us. We had to find out sooner or later and when we did, we grew to hate our father...the liar and the world's greatest asshole.

My sister doesn't speak or talk about my father anymore. I can tell she is still hurt by the thought of him. My father has no idea. I haven't seen my dad in ages.I no longer hate my father as I used to...he is human after all and I do realize that without him, I wouldn't be here. So I thank him from the bottom of my heart...I thank him for the sperm he deposited into my sweet mother. I also thank him for the great genes he had. Whatever, I wouldn't be here without him so....thanks dad.

Will I ever see him again? Maybe. Do I want to hear his voice? Probably. Would I cry at his funeral? Definitely. Do I forgive him for what he did to my family? I really don't know the answer to that.

2006-10-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was in a bad mood because I went on the scale and noticed I gained a couple of kilos. It's all due to the fact that my friend has been visiting for the past 2 weeks and he loves going to all-you-can-eat buffets. It's terrible! So I'm taking my weight loss products again along with a low-carb diet starting this morning. Until I get back to my original weight, no more carbs...period!

I had a really weird dream last night. I dreamt that I was making out with one of my best friends. He stopped me before it got too serious and said we needed to talk. He told me that he loved me and wanted us to live with each other. I was surprised as I know he's never been involved in any sort of serious relationships in the past. The only problem was that I already had a boyfriend. Anyway, it was a weird dream but then dreams are always weird right?

It's raining today. I'm in a weird mood thinking about my life again. I'm not sure if I'm content with my life as is. I wonder if I have any regrets? What can I do about it? Well, you certainly can't undo your past. Must concentrate on my immediate future. Must focus on what I can do to improve quality of life. I feel tired.

2006-10-01T00:04:00.000-07:00

I AM GAY

One typical weekday when I was 15, I cut class and spent the day at the local library. I loved books enjoyed spending the day there rather than at school. I guess you could say that I was sort of introverted. I hate admitting that. Anyway that was me back then and there's nothing I can do to change that fact. I went to use the restroom to take a dump(Sorry). While I was there taking my sweet time wiping my butt, I heard a noise go "plop" below me to my right. There was a piece of toilet paper attached to a pen. I picked it up without thinking. I nervously unfolded the sheet and started to read what was scribbled on it.

On it was this message
'Come on over to my stall and I'll suck you off'

My heart started to race and didn't know what to do so I decided to finish wiping my butt and get out of my stall. As I unlocked my stall door to get out, there he was standing there waiting for me. He gently took my hand to guide me back in my stall and for some reason, there seemed to be a force that was keeping me from running away. So I let him suck me. It was the best thing I've ever felt and he sucked me until I came! He swallowed my cum dry and I was shocked at what had happened and decided to block the incident out of my memory.

For almost 2 years, nothing else happened and I went back to my old boring life. When I was 17, I started working part time for a sushi shop in Honolulu. My manager was this guy who was about 6 years older with a really nice butt. He wasn't super handsome or anything but he was nice to me. He drove me home all the time and I liked being with him. To make a long story short, he seduced me and he became my first boyfriend. Naturally we had sex but what I didn't feel happy about was the fact that we weren't allowed to talk about our relationship. The sex was great. He taught me everything about giving head, ass fucking, the works! But he insisted that I keep my mouth shut about all things homo. I started thinking. Why did we have to keep it a secret unless it was something that we weren't supposed to do? Was this something to be ashamed of? Were the Christians right when they were saying that we were the devils and that we would go to hell for sinning? When I should've been happy, I was depressed about not being able to talk about it. I had to tell someone about what I was feeling.

I decided to tell a close friend of mine who worked with me. She was much older than I was and since she didn't know any of my straight friends, I decided that she was perfect.

'I have to tell you something and I don't know how to bring it up but I hope you don't hate me.'
'What is it S...just tell me...you can tell me anything.'
'Well, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sort of ....different.'
'Different? How so?'
'Umm...well...I different from other normal guys.'
'What? You have three penises? What tell me!'
'Uh...I'm not attracted to women. I'm attracted to men.'

I took a deep breath and waited for her response. I was ready for anything that came.

'S, why was it so difficult to tell me that? So what?'
'I didn't think you wanted to be my friend after I told you.'
'Why does it matter whether you're gay or straight? I like you because of you, not because you're straight or gay.'
'Oh'
'And besides, if a friend says they don't want to be friends with you anymore after telling them that you're gay...they're really not your friends, are they? You don't need bullshit friends like that S'

This conversation was life-changing for me. This became a turning point in my life. For the first time in my life, I felt something rising inside my soul. It was pride...pride of who I was...what I was.I started to feel proud of myself. Proud of being gay...

2006-09-30T23:25:00.000-07:00

Woke up with a stuffed nose, a heavy feeling in my head and a gloomy and rainy day. Last night while drinking with some friends, I had a sudden burning sensation in my chest. I wonder if that's what you call heartburn. It was nothing like anything I ever felt though, so I got scared. My friend went to buy me some hearburn medicine while I sat on the stairs outside the bar. It only lasted for about 30 minutes and afterwards wondered what all that was about.

My friend Michael is like a brother to me. We've known each other since we were five and went to school together. He's visiting me now so this week we've been kind of busy, going to Osaka and Kyoto and bar hopping. Although I've known him since I was 5, we weren't always this close. I used to see him across the room at school thinking he was one strange dude. He must've been thinking the same about me. We were both fat kids at school and both on the shy side. I don't really remember when we started hanging out, but it must have been around the time space invaders came out...you know the video game. We started going to the game arcades and eat together. Then we went to different junior high schools and we sort of drifted apart. We were so into different things. I was into new wave and alternative music. He was into disco or something like that. He was into guy stuff. I was into girly stuff. He loved movies like Jaws and Alien. My favorites were Yentl and Xanadu.

When I finally discovered the fact that I was gay, I told him. He seemed confused. He ended up being gay himself in the end. We started going to gay bars together. We hung out. He became an alcoholic. He started having problems. He started to become bitter and pessimistic about everything in life. I was the direct opposite, becoming stronger and more positive than anything else. One day I had enough of his bullshit and told him to get lost. He was an alcoholic, had a problem and too many issues for me to handle. I told him I loved him, but he needed to help himself. One of our last conversations were like this.

'S, I want to just kill myself. Nobody loves me'
'Mikey, you've been saying that for months'
'I should just die, no one would care if I died anyway'
'I care ok. If I didn't I wouldn't be listening to your bullshit for all this time so just get it through your thick skull'
'You don't love me! If you did, you wouldn't be saying that!'
'Mike, if I didn't care about you, I wouldn't say anything. But I love you and that's why I'm telling you the truth. You are totally fucked up and have to get your act together! You don't want to kill youself. You just want pity and you're feeling sorry for yourself that's all!'
'Fuck you! You don't understand anything!If you loved me you wouldn't be saying that so fuck you!'
'Fuck you Mike! I'm telling you the truth! Get some help asshole!'
'Fuck you'
'Fuck you too and call me when you get better. If you want to kill yourself, go right ahead! See ya later!'
'Fuck you!!!'

Three years later, we were back to being friends again. He finally realized he had an alcohol problem. I was glad he realized it and was trying to do something about it. Ever since, we've been friends. He still has issues and he's the most negative person I know. But he's like a brother to me...he's family...a family member that has problems. Through action, I hope he learns to look at the positive sides of things, not the negatives. I pray that one day he can learn to let go of his anger and focus on the present and what he can do to create change in his personal life.

Fast forward to last night. He took me to a bar he frequents and I'm glad I went. He was welcome at that bar and as far as I could see, he was in his element. There were guys in drag, a woman who was now a man, some straight guys, and other types that my friends and I don't normally talk to. It was a different world that I didn't know existed. The gay world usually puts focus on good-looking men with beautiful bodies. My friends and I frequent places with the best-looking guys. This bar where Michael goes to, had none of your typical gay people there. They were like a group of outcasts that didn't feel welcome in the world...even in the gay world. And they welcomed Michael with open arms and he fit right in there with them. He found his place in the world called nichome. He finally made a connection with someone...a man that used to be a woman and a drag queen. I felt out of place. He was having a ball and looked happy. Sitting there with my glass of oolong tea all by myself, watching him with his gang of friends, I was overjoyed to see him belong. I felt happy.

2006-09-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

This is terrible. I can't believe it's been 3 days without writing in my blog. Time goes by so quickly when you're having a ball.

On Sunday night, we went to a friend's party before continuing on to AGEHA. Partied till dawn and came home around 7:30am. Slept for a while until the next day, my partner and I cleaned the apartment in preparation for my friend's arrival. My friend arrived the next day.

The main event was on Sept 20, the day of Madonna's concert in Tokyo! It's been 13 long years since I last saw her live so I was more than excited and I had a difficult time sleeping the night before. I ended up sleeping for just a few hours before I woke up. I rode my bicycle around the block since it was a beautiful morning and then woke everybody up to go to Disney Sea!

We couldn't stay long as we had to take the train back to Tokyo Dome in time for the concert. When we got there, the place was full of people, and I have to mention that a large majority of the guys were gays! Although it was expected, it didn't feel much different from going to AGEHA! What a trip!

The concert started one hour late and it finally ended at 10pm. All I can say is that it was fantastic and I was jumping up and down throughout the entire concert. After the concert, my friends and I had a quick dinner before heading on home.

So this all leads finally, to today. My friend from Tottori was still in town so we met up at Bubba Gump's for lunch. My friend Mikey and Mr Tottori were trying to decide whether we should see her concert one more time. After lunch, we window shopped for a while and then returned to the ticket gates. By this time, the place was mobbed with people and my partner was calling me on my mobile to ask me whether we got tickets or not. In the end we ended up being really lucky. We got tickets for about half price from a couple. They were not premium tickets but they were pretty good. We jumped up and down again all the way until the end. My feet hurts and I'm so tired. But it's the kind of fatigue you feel after something really good has happened...like really good sex!

2006-09-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

Highlights of my day:

Having cappucino at the new cafe that just opened up near my place. Lovely Italian country atmosphere, making you feel like you're in the middle of Tuscany.

Dinner at a Thai restaurant with my partner.

It was a beautiful sunny day.

2006-09-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

The 1980s

I dropped out of school when I was 16...I refused to go back to school and had to go to counselors, teachers and psychologists to see what was going on in my little head. I used to think I was real smart thinking I'd tricked all of them into believing I was good and my mother was bad...that she was the cause of all this misery. I remember my mother getting really upset over the fact that they would always blame her for what I was doing. That gave me pleasure...in fact during those days, I found very little pleasure in seeing other people happy. I was one bitter fucker and I hated those days. I have a difficult time trying to remember what I was thinking those days...I really must have blocked those memories out.

During my school years, my family started to fall apart. My mother was never home as she had to work all night and she never came home until after 2am. My sister got heavily into hard drugs. I became rebellious and hated life in general. It was such an effort to just get myself up in the mornings. I started cutting classes instead of going to school.

One day my mother and I got into a major argument. I ended up breaking things in the apartment and locked myself up in the bathroom. After I came out, my mother was waiting for me. She gave me one hard slap across the face as fury rose in me. I told her something that I would always regret.

'Mom, I wish I was never born and you know what? I'm so embarassed to have a mother like you. You make me sick to the core!!!'

The next thing you know, she started to cry. It was the first time she ever cried in front of me. I left the apartment and told her that I'd never come back.

After closing the door behind me, I walked up to the top floor of the building behind our apartment and stood there looking down. My tears wouldn't stop and I hated myself for hurting my mother...making my mother cry. I realized the horrible thing I've done to her and could not forgive myself. I thought about my entire life and how miserable it's all been, how much trouble I cause my mother, and basically I felt that I didn't belong in this world. I wanted to die.

I made a decision to jump off the building. I wasn't scared of heights back then and I figured, this would be the best. I couldn't take it anymore...I couldn't do anything right and things would be better off without me. I had no place in this world. I climbed over the railings until my feet were at the edge of the slab of concrete. I apologized to my mother inside my heart and hoped that she would forgive me. I didn't cry anymore, I was no longer sad. I felt I had made the right decision and was about to get it done...One leg in the air and let go of the railings with my left hand. At that precise moment, I heard my mother's voice calling me. She started walking towards the building so I automatically climbed back over to hide from my mother...I didn't want her to catch me hiding around there...I mean what am I, a cry baby? No, my mother will not have the pleasure of seeing me in this state.

Funny thing is that I completely forgot why I was there in the first place. I would attempt to commit suicide one more time, this time with sleeping pills and alcohol. I somehow managed to fail at that attempt as well. I now realize that I needed help and I needed someone to talk to. Simple as that really. Like most young people I didn't see that then. All I could think of was that I couldn't do anything right...not even a simple task as killing myself. How fucked up can I get?

2006-09-15T11:32:00.000-07:00

Mr. H...the final chapter

For two whole days, all I did was cry until there were no more tears. I thought about what just had happened. I tried to think of what I did to make him stop loving me. We were having a great sex, he seemed happy all the time and we never got into many arguments. I didn't have a clue as to why he stopped loving me.

My friends called me everyday and a couple came over to check up on me to make sure I wasn't slitting my wrists. I did contemplate suicide but only for about 3 seconds...no I would never kill myself. But it sure went through my mind because this was not a good place to be.

After crying my eyes out and eating a lot of ice cream and chocolates, one of his friends called me on the phone. She was one of his best friends and we've gotten pretty close. She called to see if I was ok. I told her maybe I should try to change for him. I don't know how or what, but whatever he wanted, I would try to change. If he wanted me to work 7 jobs, sure I would do that. Then she told me something that was the turning point of my depression.

'S, I know you love him very much but I hate seeing you like this. This is not you.'
'What are you talking about? It is me...in depression and desperation! I want you to know that I will do anything to get him back. '
'I admire what you're trying to do but don't throw away the most important thing.'
'What am I throwing away?'
'You are throwing yourself away. You're trying to change into something you're not for someone that may or may not deserve you. I can't stand seeing you this way.'
'Huh?...'
'S, you're a special person and you shouldn't have to stoop that low for anyone, never! I mean is S, I don't like it one bit. If things weren't meant to be, it just wasn't and that's that.'

That one statement made a lot of sense to me. It wasn't easy but I came to grips with reality and decided that life goes on with or without H. I still loved him sure, but I started to concentrate on myself.

First thing I did was to listen to a lot of Cher. Believe, Strong Enough, you know the words..."Strong enough, to live without you, strong enough, I quit crying long enough and I'm strong enough to know, you gotta go!" Yep, in typical gay fashion, I sang it over and over while cleaning the apartment and sorting through his clothes and other shit into garbage bags. I went to the neighborhood flower shop to ask for work, anything to get my mind off H. I told her I'll work for free and work on commission! I started a website to make new friends and started going to the gym again.

One week later, H arrived at the door of our apartment. He looked relaxed and happy. I thought maybe he just came back from a mini-vacation with a new lover or something. Whatever, I was passed all that. Anyway he came back to tell me he wanted to try getting back together again. I told him for that to be possible, he would have to explain to me why he broke up with me in the first place and why he wanted to get back together if he doesn't love me anymore. I was confused and actually quite upset! After I finally get myself together he comes back to confuse my life even more? What an asshole...I sure can pick them can't I?

He still refused to answer my questions but he moved back in. After a week went by and he decided a trip to Singapore would be fabulous. He was paying for everything, business class tickets, hotels, everything. So I went with him. In Singapore I met his friends and a good friend of his kept telling me how much H still loves me and that I should give him another chance. I was just too tired to get into the details and just nodded in agreement everytime the subject came up.

Although the trip was nice, I realized I could no longer stay with him. I was too afraid and didn't want to go through all that again. Nope, he took away my pride, my happiness and my green card. A few months later he decided to move out and I promptly found myself a new roommate. After my relationship with H, I vowed to myself never to fall in love again...ever!

That was almost 7 years ago...

2006-09-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

Mr. H

The love of my life was my ex, we'll call him H. He's the guy I met through a friend's roommate and then had a three-way with him and his lover.

After a rather quick 2 weeks of getting to know each other, he found a place for us to move in with each other. Now remember, he had a boyfriend that he just broke up with and I just broke up with a guy...well forced to break up with him because he was a total loser and asshole for stealing money from me and lying to me like no one else before. Funny thing though, I still had feelings for the jerk and all the while living with H, I couldn't stop thinking about my ex, we'll call him Nobu. So there we are living together and truth be told, I started becoming very confused and could not decide whether I was happy or not. Obviously I've just been through a tramatic relationship, however I also did not love the new guy I happened to fall into a relationship with. We ended up being together for 3 years.

I ended up falling in love with him and by the third year, could not imagine a life without H. I was happy and he was sweet. He did anything for me as long as I didn't fuck around. In fact he was so suspicious of me that he would go through my emails and my cell phone history...no kidding! Every single day this went on. I always had to make sure to answer my phone when he called, which was like 20 times a day and again, I'm being totally serious! The thing is that I didn't mind and I was quite happy with the whole arrangement. I felt like he really cared about me and that's why he's always checking up on me.

During our third year, I had a serious conversation with H regarding my green card.

'H, I have to talk to you about something very important. You know I have an American green card, don't you?'
'Yeah, I know. Why do you ask?'
'Well immigration is starting to think I shouldn't be able to keep my green card if I'm not living in the US.'
'And?'
'Well, as you know I've always planned on moving back to Hawaii because my family's there right? So I think it's time for me to decide what I should do. To move back or stay here. The thing is that if I stay, I have to give up my green card.'
'Well, if you want, I can come with you to Hawaii to talk to your mom about the situation. I want her to feel secure in knowing that you'll be taken care of. I'll talk to her ok? How do you feel about that?'
'Wow, that would be great H, but do you really mean it because once I give it up, that's that!'
'Hey, you know I'll never leave you. How many times do I have to remind you that we were meant to be together until the day we die? Can you trust me please?'

I thought about what we just discussed and the three years we've been together and decided to put my trust in him. My life had to go on and this is the life I choose, a life with H, the person I love.

'OK, let's do it. We can visit her in two weeks time. '
'Sure, let's do it!'

Two weeks later he met my mother and told her what he promised to say. My mother was happy to hear that someone nice and sincere was finally going to take care of me. I went to the embassy to give up my green card and left Hawaii as a resident for the last time. Next time I would be entering the country as a foreign national. My boyfriend left two days later to Japan for work. I decided to stay for a few more days to keep my mother company. H and I talked on the phone everyday and I looked forward to going back to start my life as a true Japanese citizen.

As soon as I arrived in Narita, H was there to pick me up. We made small talk on the way home. As soon as we arrived, he told me to sit down and have a cup of coffee before I started to unpack. We sat across from each other and before I could say anything he blurted out these words.

'S, I want to break up with you.'

I was stunned and shocked...I can't even describe the feelings that were going through me. It felt like a really bad dream and hoped he was treating me to a really bad joke! He continued with his speech

'I realized that I don't love you anymore. I've been feeling this way for the past month. I just finally realized it now. I'm sorry and I hope you forgive me and I would be more than happy to stay friends with you.'
'So you waited for an entire month and you went all the way to Hawaii with me to tell my mother all that and watched me give up my green card so that I could stay here with you and now...you tell me you don't love me anymore? What kind of fucking bullshit is that?'
'Sorry, what can I say. It's the truth and I can't do anything about it. Please forgive me. '
'Forgive you? You want me to forgive you and stay friends with you? What kind of a fucker are you? Are you joking? If you are, you better tell me right now because I swear I might have a nervous breakdown right now!'
'You know what S, I can't talk to you right now. I should leave.'
'wait a minute, just explain to me why. There must be a reason. Another guy...you met another guy...or you have to marry a woman. Anything, just give me a logical reason because this is all not making much sense to me.'
'It's not another guy and I'm not getting married. But I don't want to talk about it.'
'You fucking owe me an explanation you mother fucker! Do you know how I feel right now? Do you know how stupid I feel?'
'Look, I hate it when you yell so I'm leaving. In fact, I'm leaving for about a week. Don't call me, I'll call you.'

The next thing you know, I'm begging him to stay. Nothing worked. He left and all I was left with was the silence of the room, my unpacked bags in the corner and thinking this must all be a dream, hoping he would be coming back any second to tell me it was all a mistake...or a joke...yes it was a very bad joke and not a funny one, but still I could forgive him. He never came back and I started to cry like I never cried in my entire life.

2006-09-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up earlier than usual. Felt really good so checked my emails and had breakfast of raisin bread with peanut butter, a small salad and tea with milk. Hopped on the train to Hiroo to do some business but my heart started to feel tight during the train ride. Popped a pill for my attacks but didn't do much so after 30 more minutes, decided to take another one. Either my attacks are getting stronger or my medicine is not working as well. Really have to have a chat with my doctor about this.

I texted my partner to see if he could get off early so we could have dinner together. He was able to and we had a nice Japanese dinner. After that we had some fun at the karaoke box for a couple of hours. Despite the attack in the afternoon, had a great day.

2006-09-14T11:42:00.000-07:00

Wet, grey and cloudy. It was also very cold. We are officially still in the summer season but it felt like the middle of autumn. I still haven't had a chance to get out the warm clothes out of my loft and need to do that soon if the weather continues this way. I felt totally lethargic today and ended up falling asleep around 1pm for about 30 minutes.

At exactly 3:30pm, my student arrived...a student that hasn't been here for about two months. Like always, he was in a depressed state(been that way for over a year actually and never seen him happy) and just wanted me to listen to him like a counselor. It really makes me wonder what he's paying me for. Anyway we ended up talking about him and his problems for most of the hour. Although I try not to get involved, I couldn't help but give him some of my advise. I told him that he really needs to just do something...I mean take some action to create change. He says he just wants to go with the flow and that things will probably work out because everything is already pre-determined...you know like destiny. I told him that's utter bullshit and that although destiny may be true to a point, we have the power to decide and take action to create change.

Don't really know if any advice would actually help him as he's been this way ever since I met him a year ago. He's stuck in this rut and can't seem to get out of it. In fact, he digs himself deeper and deeper so that he's just stuck there. I can only help him so much, after that it's really up to him.

I was able to work out today with just a little discomfort in my chest. Seriously, I'm beginning to wonder if this is all really just a case of panic attacks as my doctors have been telling me all these years. I mean panic attacks are supposed to be attacks right? These are more like symptoms, physical symptoms. I think I may have to go to a heart specialist to get a second opinion just for peace of mind.

Tomorrow is Friday and the weather forecast is for a beautiful sunny day. The last sunny day in fact, before the weekend due to a large typhoon coming our way.

Decision of the day:
Decided not to masturbate and save it for tomorrow. I am so bored with masturbating.

2006-09-13T10:06:00.000-07:00

Woke up feeling good today. It was raining again but the rain was good as it matched my mood...a feeling of peace and myself surrendering to destiny. I wasn't in an overly optimistic mood or anything like that. Just peaceful with what is and the fact that there are some things you can't do anything about. The autumn rain was wiping away all remnants of the hot summer. I went to the gym today and I was freezing as I chose to wear shorts and sandals. On the train ride to the gym, my feet started becoming cold. I had a good workout today. Did some weights and a class of yoga. After that, I leisurely walked over to the largest bookstore in Shinjuku, which ended up being 20 minutes away.

I don't remember when I started liking bookstores, but I love them. In almost every country I visit, I tend to visit a bookstore. In fact I can spend hours inside a bookstore just browsing for something to purchase. Some of the titles that caught my attention today were:

Air Babylon
Men's Vogue
Entrepreneur Magazine
Hip Hotels Budget
Your First Year in Network Marketing
Luxury Guide to Walt Disney World

I stopped by Peck, an Italian bakery for bread(curry puff, chocolate roll, mini calzone) and decided to go home. I got to my station, picked up a couple of travel brochures to read on the train, (Universal Studios Osaka and Guam)bought some Chinese food in my neiborhood before finally arriving home. I warmed up the Chinese food and made some soup for dinner. Did some business over the phone before my partner came home.

We talked about our future(complaining mostly about his job and his shitty colleagues and me telling him to just quit) until he fell asleep. I suddenly hear the familiar bell that informs me of an incoming message on my SKYPE chat.It's my friend C.

'hi sweetie'
'hiya C'
'sorry to log in so late...busy now?'
'not really...just was talking with a colleague'
'oh ok...better not to interrupt you then'
'going to sleep soon?'
'I just read your blog...it's interesting...seriously.'
'you did? all of it?
'yes, was feeling sad for the couple who died in the fire incident'
'yeah it was very sad'
'and worried about you having the attack, you really have to be careful. That's how heart attacks starts. Have you seen a doctor about it?'
'yep been seeing the doctor for 3 years now. Checked my hear twice and says nothing's wrong with my heart. It was diagnosed as a panic attack'
'oh gosh'
'Yeah, it's really tough when I have them'
'well...I am sure it is'
'I mean physically I feel like I'm about to die'
'and I read that part you said you called your BF and always feel like telling him you love him...that was really sweet...and you said that you were being dramatic...I think not'
'Oh, that was when I was having one of my attacks at the train station, well I felt like a drama queen...I always feel that way afterwards'
'oh come on, you're not...seriously it's good to speak your mind'
'I appreciate you saying that, it means a lot'
'always say what's on your mind or else you might regret it later on'
'most Japanese probably wouldn't agree with you...in fact my boyfriend doesn't say it either, but I think that's just the Japanese way...he says I love you like once a year'
'well...my BF doesn't say it that much either...guess it's the Chinese way'
'haha'

'S You are very expressive with words and I'm not saying that to make you happy, I'm saying it from my heart, otherwise I wouldn't bother reading your blogs'
'Wow, I'm speechless, don't know what to say. It's kind of funny...you seem to understand me...which is very rare in my life...you understand what I'm trying to express, say or what I'm feeling...can't really explain it'
'It's not difficult to understand someone...there are two important things in order to understand people...the person must open up to you and you must be able to feel what that person is feeling...logical really'
'true'
'just that most of the time, other issues and matters cloud our thoughts'
'hmmm...that makes a lot of sense actually.'

The chat continues:

'S Do you know why you have such bad feelings? or should I say disappoinments?'
'why C?'
'Because you have expectations'
'So are you saying that I shouldn't have any expectations?'
'The answer is...do what you feel, I can't answer that for you.'
'I new that was going to be the answer'
'for me, I will always expect something'
'I used to wish that there was a road map of some kind and that someone would tell me what decisions to make in life...I used to think that...I mean would't it make life much easier?'
'And boring...not too interesting'
'I guess so'

For the rest of the chat, we talk about my family, Buddhism, reincarnation, destiny and business. He's a rare man I must say as I hardly ever meet anyone who can talk with me for such a long time. I realize that I miss talking with him and that he makes me feel good. I also realize that he's making me laugh...something I haven't done in a long time. I mean a real and genuine laugh that comes from the heart. We have a connection...all the more strange because we've never met before in real life.
He knows things about me that other people don't see. I can't fake myself with this person...he makes me think about things that are buried deep within. He's visiting Tokyo in November and I must say, I'm a bit nervous to meet him. He believes in destiny. I don't know what I believe in. However if there is such a thing as destiny, there must be a reason we met.

2006-09-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

After a dreamy sleep, I awoke to the sound of rain pounding against my bedroom windows. I can't believe how much of a difference new sheets and a duvet makes. I've never slept better. I immediately took a quick shower and toasted a bagel. Ran downstairs to get a latte from the convenience store and vacuumed the living room before my student arrived. We talked about his upcoming trip to Chiang Mai in Thailand and started to show him some Northern delicacies through pictures from my Thai cookbook. I learned today that he has no interest in eating and survives on a diet of Southern Comfort and Roobois Tea. He had a slight cold today and I am certain it's because of a lack of vital nutrients.

At 6:30pm, I had a appointment with my fuck buddy. We've been seeing each other for over a year because we the sex is just fantastic. As you know, I've been a bit stressed out lately so I was ready for some sexual satisfaction. He was already hard as he entered my place so I ripped of his shorts and got down on my knees to service him. Then it was his turn to service me and after a few minutes, turned me over to rim me. It felt so good I swear I'd never get tired of it. He said that he wanted to fuck me today so I let him. We don't usually fuck but today I needed him to fuck me with passion and intensity, two things that have been missing from my life these days. He quickly took a shower and complimented me on my sexual technique and how compatible we are. Compliments are always more than welcome, thank you very much!

I had a quick bite to eat before my last student of the day arrived. We had an English lesson over a bottle of Hungarian wine. It was kind of sweet but it ended up being the perfect way to end a day of reckless abandon.

2006-09-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

A year ago I remember Mondays being one of my favorite days of the week. Most people find Mondays to be the most depressing day of their week but it wasn't for me. As you know, I've been with my partner for 6 years. About a year ago, I was going through a phase where I was quite happy with my freedom and not having to think about my partner. I seriously felt like the relationship was better when we weren't really together. I was going to a dance club on a regular basis. I started getting to know a lot of people in the club scene, including people in other countries. I was traveling with friends and a lot of times, by myself. It was fun and I felt like I was having the best of both worlds. The single life and the married life!

Today was also a Monday. However I felt very fatigued and not all that happy. I seem to be having a lot of down days recently and I worry that I might be coming down with depression. The last time I had a major depression was more than 7 years ago, when I had just broken up with my last partner. Yeah, we lived together also and were together for a mere 3 years. Until that point in my life, that was the longest relationship I've ever had. I loved him a lot and I thought he loved me the same. Let me tell you about this guy...the love of my life and the guy I decided to risk everything for.

I met him while I was with another guy through a friend. My friend's roommate(who was a woman) was telling me about a crush she had for this Thai guy a long time ago. She said that him and his boyfriend are coming to Japan for holiday and if I could come with her to meet them at a bar in Shinjuku. During this time I was going through a very bad relationship who was stealing money from me (now this is another story for another day) and I needed to get out of the house. So I said yes to her invitation and met up with them. I wasn't really interested in meeting anyone, but they were friendly and the Thai guy ended up telling me that he liked me. His Japanese boyfriend told me that he was going back to Bangkok the next day so if I could hang out with his Thai boyfriend. He also mentioned that his boyfriend was attracted to me and that I could do anything I wanted...they had an open relationship and it didn't bother him. Long story short, the Thai guy and I ended up going home together...back to his hotel I mean.

The final evening of his stay, we all went to a karaoke bar with a group of people. I started thinking about how fucked up my life is with my boyfriend I started to cry. Everyone thought I was crying because of the Thai guy leaving...so did he. He found it endearing and he told me not to be sad. I was too tired to explain so I just went along with it, I didn't care. So he went back to Thailand the next day. At that time, I was doing network marketing with a company called Herbalife. Thailand was just opening up so I decided to go there to create an organization there. As if on cue, I had a sudden phone call from the Thai guy's boyfriend. I told him I was coming to Thailand and he said that he would be my translator. I said that was cool. We met up in Thailand and the Japanese guy ended up becoming my distributor and we worked hard together while I was there. The last evening I needed to go for a drink as I worked my ass off for a week. They took me out for a night of dancing. It was time to go back to my hotel and I invited them to come for a cup of coffee as the Japanese guy seemed extremely drunk and I didn't want him to drive home in that condition. As soon as we entered my hotel room, the Japanese guy jumped on top of me and started to kiss me while taking my clothes off. His Thai boyfriend looked surprised but started to undress at the same time. I knew what was going to happen next and as I always do, just went with the flow. I didn't care. Besides I was in a shitty relationship and hell, I needed to release my stress and what better way than to have a 3-way!

They stayed the entire night and I was fucked exactly 7 times by them taking turns on me. By morning I no longer wanted any more sex and seriously, didn't think I needed to have sex for the entire year. My ass hurt and I was tired. They had it easy as they took turns taking naps. Felt like a total whore but like I said, I didn't give a fuck.

Next day I left for Tokyo. The day after my arrival I had a call from the Japanese guy saying he was visiting Tokyo the next day. We decided to meet at his hotel and ended up fucking again. He said that his Thai boyfriend wanted the three of us to live together in Bangkok and that we could be a threesome...whatever that means. I said no as I just couldn't imagine what kind of situation that would be. Apprently they've done this before and they were comfortable with it. I'm usually game for anything, but this was too much. We talked a lot while he was here and I told him about the destructive relationship I was in. He told me that I should get out of it as soon as possible but I said it wasn't that easy because he owed my a lot of money...money he took without permission from my bank account. Yeah, I know stupid of me to have told him my PIN number but we were like living together for 3 years!!! I trusted him completely and had no idea this was going to happen. This is the main reason why I was in network marketing in the first place. He was in debt and I wanted to help him. Okay, getting off the subject so saving that story for another day...

The events during the next week is a blur. The Japanese guy, we will call him H. He went back to Thailand. He broke up with his lover over me...they both wanted me but the Japanese one wanted me exclusively. I told him don't break up on my account, I wasn't ready anyway. I didn't even love him for fuck's sake! But break up they did and H came back to Tokyo, forced my boyfriend to leave me alone, told the guy to pay up and helped me move my things out to a new place he found. So in that short amount of time, all these things happened and I was in a state of confusion. No, I did not get all my money back, just a few hundred dollars. He owed me like $50,000US!!!

After all this, I never saw the guy again, and after three years of happy times with H, we ended up breaking up anyway. This story is getting way too long so I'm continue this tomorrow. Long story short(wait, how many times have I said that?), I was devestated when HE announced that he wanted to break up! For the first time in a long time, I wanted to die.

2006-09-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

Dragged myself out of bed this morning after a night of restless sleep. Hopped into the shower, brushed my teeth and changed into some nice clothes before my first student of the day arrived. It's been about 10 months since his last lesson so we ended up talking about his ex-boyfriend for most of the hour. I did extend his lesson 30 minutes longer since I felt funny taking money from him just for listening to him talk about his life. I teach conversational English to adults at home on a part-time basis. It's an enjoyable part-time job and I look forward to meeting my students. I also make a living doing other stuff, but that's another story all together.

A guy who works with me came for a visit at 2pm for some training. I might as well tell you now, I work with a network marketing company. He's a new distributor and I needed to train him today. I know a lot of people think network marketing is some kind of money-making scheme or a pyramid, but far from it, it's a legitimate business. If it wasn't the industry would have been long gone and a lot of people would be in jail! It takes work and nobody gets paid for doing nothing. If a company tells you they'll basically pay you for paying a fee without doing anything, you can almost be certain that it is an illegal pyramid scheme. All I can say is that it's feeding me and helping me to help other people do the same and I love it!

I had a simple egg salad sandwich for lunch with a cup of decaf latte. Then another student came at 5pm and my last one for the day left at a little past 7pm. By this time, I was starving so my partner suggested we get some curry in the neighborhood. It was good and filling. We ended up renting a DVD, a love comedy with Reese Witherspoon, and had a quicky.

I did bring up the fact that I was upset yesterday but told him I won't torture him by yelling at him or anything like that. It's over, I'm over it and it's the past. Once again, I'm at peace with myself and tonight I will hopefully get a better night's rest.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I plan on having a good time. What do we have planned you ask? Well, we leave at 8am for IKEA to buy a bookshelf for our new office. After that, we go to
Tokyo Disney Sea for a few hours. A day of wholesome fun...that works for me!

2006-09-08T11:12:00.000-07:00

It's 3am and I should be asleep by now. My partner came home stinking drunk and slurring his words, attempted at a feeble apology. He arrived home at exactly 1:15am and I was too tired to argue and besides, I just wasn't feeling all that upset anymore. He was complaining about his work as usual and I knew that whatever advice I tried to give him, he wouldn't remember a single thing we talked about so decided to save my breath.

So my partner and I have been together for 6 years, the longest relationship I've been in. I can't really say it's monogamous and we don't really talk about it. He's a typical Japanese guy that doesn't say what's on his mind unless he's had a few drinks. The first three years were difficult, with our differences in personalities and cultures...he being a true Japanese and I being raised in America for most of my childhood years. I truly did want a monogamous relationship in the beginning. I sometimes think about even these days. My partner doesn't seem to be too interested in talking about all that stuff. He says he doesn't fuck around and I sort of believe him...I mean he's a pretty straight gay guy. However he does seem to have secrets that he won't share with me and I don't even attempt to go there. I tried in the first couple of years...never worked. It seems as though we just sort of drifted to this point in our relationship. I do love him dearly and I can't imagine a life without him...most of the time. Still I wonder if this is the relationship that I've always wanted.

I am just being selfish thinking this way? Maybe I'll never know the answer.

2006-09-08T06:23:00.000-07:00

1971-1975

My mother and I arrived in Honolulu, Hawaii sometime around 1971 I was told. We left my sister behind as we couldn't afford the plane ticket for her. My father's younger brother Uncle Nobu supposedly gave my mother enough money for two one-way tickets for my mother and me. So we left Japan leaving my sister behind. I don't really remember much about this time of my life. What I do remember is this. My grandmother and Mr N was already living in Hawaii by the time we got there. I later found out that due to my parent's divorce, my grandmother wanted custody of me. I used to run away from my mother's place and I always found my way to my grandma's apartment. I must have given my mother a lot of grief back then. Little did she know , that was just the beginning.

The first day of school was weird. The teacher was trying to tell me something but because I couldn't understand a single word she was saying, she yelled at me and pushed me away.
The first person who befriended me was a girl in my class, Elise Nakama. She was a very strange girl as she was always insisting that I speak Japanese and as a reward she would do the splits for me in front of the entire class. She made my first weeks in school extremely confusing.

I went to a private school until the 5th grade. My sister also joined us in Hawaii during this time. I fairly enjoyed those days as most of the kids were well mannered except for a few like David. I hear that he is trouble and has been in jail a couple of times. He was kind of cute though...in a David Cassidy kind of way. I was never to participate in sports as I had a very weak heart. That's what my mother tells me. I also remember I started to get gray hair when I was only in the 3rd grade. It was due to the medication I had to take for years since birth. I remember the doctor telling my mother and grandmother that I wouldn' t live past the age of 7, and only if I kept taking the medication. Finally my body just couldn't take any more medicine and I would throw up the pills. My grandmother got ged up with the whole situation and told me I no longer needed to take them as they were doing me no good.

My family are buddhists so they prayed really hard to Buddha to allow me to live as long as possible. The prayers must have worked or the doctor was a quack as I ended up living past that age. Every since, I make it a point to consult with a number of doctors when I'm diagnosed with something serious.

My favorite subjects were art and music...I hated science and geography with a passion. Oh, history was so useless to me I didn't even try. But the worse was Physical Education class because I was never allowed to participate due to my weak heart. I felt out of place and very unhappy. I felt as though nobody liked me and I started to feel all alone.

My mother ended up remarrying when I was around 6. His name was Mr K and he was this asshole of a man. Why do I say that about him? For one thing, he used to hit my mother, throw her to the ground and pin her in between the bed and wall until she couldn't breathe. This went on at least twice a week...maybe more...but my sister and I used to cry until the neighbors came over to tell us to shut the fuck up. But the abuse got worse and I felt like a helpless shit.

At the same time, my mother used to hit me across the face for no apparent reason and I still feel the pain of the incense being stuck into the back of my palm. I remember trying to find ways of hurting my sister. I don't know why I did that, but I hate myself for doing that to her. Until this day, I cannot forgive myself for treating my sister with this abusive behavior. Hate it. So, my mother's new husband hit my mother, my mother hit me, and I hit my sister.

One night when my mother was pinned against the wall, and she looked like she was about to lose consciousness, I screamed at the top of my lungs. The next thing I know he grabbed me by the throat and started to choke me. The last thing I remember was the fact that I was happy to see the abuse on my mother stop. She was breathing again. The next thing I remember, I was on the floor with my mother and sister looking over me. Mr K was nowhere to be found.

The next day, one of my uncles came over to kick Mr K out of my mother's life once and for all. Strangely though, he was very nice to me that day. We had a final meal together and I felt kind of sad for him. He never came back after that and my mother was once again, free from an abusive relationship.

During this period my father came to visit us in Hawaii a couple of times. He seemed loving and caring. Little did we know was the fact that the only reason why he came was to borrow some money from my mother. How much of an asshole can this guy be? How much more lies and abuse can two kids take? Little did we know, more was to come.

2006-09-08T05:51:00.000-07:00

1966-1970

I often find myself looking to my past searching for answers to all the problems I have as an adult. I just couldn't wait to "grow up" so that I could be strong and independent and I would have a perfect life. I used to imagine how fun it would be to go to work everyday and to start dating someone like Ken...you know, Barbie's boyfriend? Yep, I was always into dolls and enjoyed dressing them up. Obviously my mother never bought me one, but I always found a way to get my hands on my sister's Barbie dolls. Her life seemed perfect...perfect face, perfect skin, perfect body and a perfect boyfriend. A life filled with laughter, love and bliss.

Well I obviously had to be born into this world first. So I was and from what my mother and relatives told me, I was born with a defective heart and weak lungs. It remember being in the hospital a lot and I have memories of staring up at the gray ceiling in my hospital bed all alone. I also remember having to take a lot of medication and my grandmother trying to stuff pills down my throat. What else do I remember about the five years of my life? Not much really.

My mother was usually stressed out. My father was never around. My sister was just weird and thought of her as more of a monkey rather than a human being. I remember the girl living next door and remember getting my food run over by a car. I also remember my mother putting my put into a bucket of cold water while I bled. I never went to the hospital for it as far as I remember. It healed ok though. I also remember walking hand in hand with my mother down the street, begging her to buy me a bottle of strawberry milk. Yes, they use to sell milk in bottles back then. I remember a pretty older girl teaching me how to gently cup my hands together to catch a butterfly. I tried doing the same thing, instead I clapped my hands together I killed the poor damn thing.

Ahhh...memories of my life in Japan until I was around 5...what else do I see?...

I remember snow...lots of snow....looking out a window I see falling snow. It's beautiful and cold...almost good enough to eat. So I get a small ceramic bowl from the kitchen and hold it out the window...slowly the bowl fills up with the white flakes. They are so light, almost weightless. I see myself just watching the snow falling and falling over and over again. It takes me away from something...I don't know what but it's an escape for me.
Ohhhh...I realize my bowl is filled to its capacity so I decide that should be enough. I tear open a small individual packet of granulated sugar and sprinkle it on top of my home-made snow cone. It's delicious...little did I know it was filled with pollutants and other nasty stuff.

I remember crying a lot and I knew that irked my mother. Later on I found out she would leave me at home while I was asleep to go to work. My father was playing around with other women and gambling away our money. My mother had no choice but to go to work I guess, and she apparently couldn't afford to pay for a babysitter. But I cried and cried until my voice started to crack. I couldn't help it. I knew I was irritating my mother, but I was scared that she would never come home...just like my dad.

One person I truly loved was my grandmother. She seemed to be the only person who could make me feel happy. She always made me special and never treated me like a stupid thing. I can still remember her reading my palms, telling me that I was very special.

My grandma took my right palm into her hands. She was studying the lines with intense seriousness. I almost didn't want to hear what my future held.

'You're a very special boy'
'Why don't I feel special grandma?'
'Don't ever say that because you are. '
'But mommy says that I'm always doing bad things and she's always yelling at me.'
'No matter what other people say, including your mommy, whatever you believe to be right, is usually right. Always believe in yourself and listen to what your heart is telling you. '
'I don't understand grandma.'
'You will one day S, I promise. Never forget that you are special.'
'Ok grandma!'

From that day on, I tried really hard to believe in myself.

Like I said, my father was never around and the male influence was my grandmother's second husband, I used to call him Mr. N. He used to take me to amusement parks and we had so much fun on all the kiddie rides! I remember he took me on my first kiddie roller coaster. I was too short to see the tracks in front of me so I held on for dear life. I was terrified the entire time on the ride but realized that I had survived the ride. So I rode again and again...and again. That became my favorite ride and I had to practically beg Mr N, to take me to the amusement park again. He was a cool guy. He did everything to make me happy. I miss him.

2006-09-08T05:23:00.000-07:00

Second post today as it's still Friday...actually only 45 minutes after my last post. After the words FUCK IT in my last post, my doorbell rang. I stopped posting and got ready for some stress-releasing fucking. He texted me saying I should wait in bed naked. So I ripped off my clothes as quick as I could and put myself into a most uncomfortable pose to make myself look flattering as possible. He was taller than I imagined and even though I couldn't really see his face clearly in the dark, he was in his 30s and looked like a typical businessman. No words were exchanged, no longing looks or gentle touches. He went straight for my right tit and started to like it. I did absolutely nothing for me and I can almost guarantee that even a dog would have been better. He did have a big surprise for me and boy was he really big! As he guided my right hand to his raging hard-on, I stroked the length of his penis and started to get nervous. I just wasn't sure if it would fit. The first few centimeters were very painful as it always is for me...however after a few minutes of keeping it in there, I started to loosen up and prepared myself for an enjoyable 30-40 minutes. Actually it wasn't bad and I actually enjoyed myself. After we both came, he took a shower and left without saying a word. In fact, he looked almost embarassed after the fact and I found it quite funny.

Now it's 9:30pm and although I'm still irritated at my partner, I feel better after fucking. Besides, my partner hates it when I start scolding him for something. I sometimes feel like what's the point of it all? I mean this isn't the first time this happened. So this is the question I have to ask myself. Would it have been better to have kept all my frustrations inside and exploded when my partner got home? Or was having an exciting fuck, relieveing me of anger and frustration so that I could be a bit more relaxed, the right thing to do?

What would you have done?

2006-09-08T05:21:00.000-07:00

I woke up feeling groggy this morning. My partner of 6 years waking me up to kiss me goodbye. Since I got to bed at a little past 5am, I was still extremely sleepy and my eyes could hardly stay open. Like every morning, I walked with him to the door to kiss him goodbye and to wish him a good day. He said that he wouldn't be able to call during lunch today as he has to go on a business trip out of Tokyo. He also told me that he will be going to dinner with friends for the lottery drawing...actually our friends to be exact. Every quarter, a group of us gets together to collectively purchase lottery tickets and meet for the drawing to see if we got lucky. Funny thing is that I don't remember hearing about the dinner tonight.

'You never told me that it was tonight?'
'Yes I did, I clearly told you about tonight!'
'Well if you told me, why don't I remember anything about it?'
'Well I certainly did tell you. Would you like to go?'

Feeling more than upset, I said no and told him to go and have a good time.Well, to be honest with you, I really don't remember him telling me about this and I'm kind of upset about it. I mean why couldn't he just have asked me if I wanted to go last night? Or the night before? Or at least some time in the near past. No, he made no mention of it whatsoever and so decided to look at the positive side of the entire thing. I have the entire evening to myself and I'll be able to work without any interruptions. Yes, I will have a relaxing evening by myself. But no, it's not that easy to put my emotions aside and can't seem to get back to sleep. I am positively fuming at my partner not being considerate enough to have brought this up. If I don't remember him asking me to go with him, he certainly must have forgotten, purposely not have told me or that I have Alzheimer's.

I make myself a cup of decaf and turn on the TV. After 30 minutes I force myself to sleep.I wake up around 12 noon. A fuck buddy of mine is coming over at 1pm as we have to talk about business. There will be no sex today and we are just talking about business. It's convenient really because neither of us seems to be in the mood anyway. It turned out to be a good meeting so after he left, I did feel a little better.

Still the bad mood continued throughout the day.I did some chores around the house, went to buy something to eat and watched a couple of episodes of Queer As Folk:The Final Season. I just finished watching episode 10 so I'm almost at the end. I cried my eyes out when Brian finally said "I love you" to Justin. Am I rediculously emotional or what?!! After that, I finally got to wondering. Am I truly happy in my relationship with my partner of 6 years? It's a Friday night for Christ's sake! Yet he leaves me alone on a Friday night with nothing to do.

Conveniently, I received an email from a guy who'd like to fuck me. I told him to come on over...besides I have nothing else better to do and I'm pissed as is.It's 8:30pm now and he's most likely enjoying dinner with some friends. My new fuck friend should be here any minute now. I mean what else am I supposed to do? Brood over how lonely and pathetic I feel? Wonder what I should say to him when he comes home? I really don't feel like brooding in my negative mood right now so all I can say is this. FUCK IT!